"Hallelujah"

Death. Its inevitable. It's never easy. But when it's unexpected its devastating....

In light of the recent tragedy in Connecticut, I didnt want to to a reactionary blog right away when it happened. Everything was too raw and real. After a week, I decided now was a good time. There are no words that could make sense of what happened at that school. We all can point fingers at one particular reason. What we should be doing is pointing fingers at each other. We are the cause of why these things are happening. From the guns to the mental illness to the lack of parenting in this country. Its a deadly combination of these things that causes tragedies like this. And what we do, as a country, is cry about for a few days then move on with our lives. We never come up with a solution to these issues. We just hope they never happen again.

Look I dont know what the answer is. What I do know is that the President needs to begin somewhere. If that means banning ALL assault weapons, it is a start in the right direction. The President is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. And while we are on the topic of the President, how dare some of you question his sincerity while giving his speech about these children. You are disgusting. You know who you are and I hope you are reading this blog. According to this person, the President was crying fake tears and shouldnt be crying anyways because he's(Obama) pro-choice. I had to read that status update 5 times. There are actual people in this world who think this?? WTF is wrong with you? I am pro-choice. So now I can't cry for these children? My only answer to this was to "unfriend" them on Facebook. We are all allowed to our opinions. However, I am not friends with irrational, morons.

I have been wracking my brain to make sense of this and other tragedies. Last night we lost a co-worker of ours. I have worked with her for over 8 years. She took the world on her shoulders and she paid the price for it. A stubborn woman who loved her family and busted her ass on the job. Who just took on way too much. It saddens me greatly. She was admitted to the hospital on Monday and then on Tuesday night I checked in with her to see how she was doing. She texted me back that she thought she would be back to work in a few days. Then I texted her this:

"You need to take care of yourself. Your health is more important. Without you here we are nothing"

She replied back that it was very nice of me to say that and she appreciated it. 2 days later she was on a ventilator and her family had to make a decision on when to shut off the machine. It is a decision I could never fathom having to make. I take solace that my final words to her were positive but I am struggling to understand how in 2 days things just ended.

I have been very fortunate in my life to not have to deal with death that much. I have dealt with both grandmothers, a grandfather and an aunt passing away in my 39 years on this planet. Now someone who I saw everyday for 8 years is no longer here. I feel horrible for her family to have to go through this and especially during the holidays.

Death is a part of life. It is the sad reality that we will all die someday. We all think it will never happen to us. You just never know when it will happen. I have cheated death twice with my cancer scares. I am fortunate. Both of these two tragedies have made me take a serious look at myself:

What can I do better? How can I help others? How can I make the world a safer place?

I dont pretend to have all of the answers. But each of us need to take serious looks at ourselves in the mirror. Appreciate what you have this Christmas. This is not about what presents you may or may not get. It's about family and friends. Enjoy this time. Others are not so fortunate. Others are having to bury loved ones during this time.

Merry Christmas-
Happy Holidays-
Feliz Navidad-

XOXO-
B

"These Are the Few of My Favorite Things"

I can not believe 2012 is almost over. Time flies when you are having fun, right? Although I had some crappy news this year, I did have a lot of fun and enjoyed many things. I love when people do "Year End" favorites. So I thought it would be fun to do a blog on some of my favorite moments from 2012. It will included everything and anything. From tv to music to vacations to concerts. It's my Top 10 list. Are you ready?


1)Best Concert I attended: I have to go with my girl: Sarah McLachlan in Toledo. I drove 2 hours there to see her and 2 hours back then had to be up for work. I am the true definition of a fan. Although I have never met her, it is my goal in life to do this. She will be touring in 2013 and I am putting this goal at the top of my list. To see Sarah with a live orchestra was incredible. The Toledo Zoo Amphitheatre is quite amazing. Amazing sound there. If you ever get a chance to see a live show there, I highly recommend it.




2)Best CD: I have to go with Pink here and "The Truth About Love".



You know how some cd's have songs you are luke warm on? Not this one. I love this cd front to back. One of those you just put it on and let it go. I seriously can not wait to see her in Columbus in March. I think this show is going to blow us away. Favorite songs include: Slut Like You and The Great Escape. If you haven't purchased it yet, what the hell are you waiting for?


3)Best Viral Video: I mean come on, is there really any competition here?



Sweet Brown, I love you. You can make me smile even when I was down. I think you did that for alot of people. I have always have time for you Sweet Brown!!


4)Best Meal in Cleveland: When Sue Klika took me to Momocho for the first time. I have never been a guacamole fan but their's? Holy smokes. You can check them out on Diners, Drive Ins and Dives in the below video. And the scallops I had? SOme of the best ever. And their margaritas? Arrrrrrrrrrriba!




5)Favorite Sports Moment: This is pretty easy........when the Browns beat the Steelers in November. Oh God I hate them. Everything about them. Their colors, their fans, their stupid QB. And yes I know Big Turd wasn't playing but I don't care if Eric the Midget was playing quarterback: WE BEAT THE STEELERS! Now can we beat them twice in one season? Probably not. But I will take this one.



6)Best TV Show- Not Reality : American Horror Story. As messed up as this show is, it's brilliant. It is definitely one of those shows you have to pay attention to. If you have a short attention span, forget about it. But if you like to be creeped out and enjoy twists and turns, you need to check this out. And you really should watch it for Jessica Lange alone because besides Meryl Streep, Jessica is one of the best actresses ever.



7)Best TV Show-Reality: It has to be the Real Housewives franchise. Pick any of them. OC, Beverly Hills......Iraq. I do not care. You love drama--they give you drama. You want need to laugh? Laugh your ass off. Sometimes when life hands you a shitty hand, you need to escape. These women do that for me. I don't want to hear about politics and bullshit like that. I want to remove myself from my own garbage and be entertained for an hour.




8) Best Movie:



No need to adjust your monitor. There is no award for best movie of the year because they all sucked.

9)Worst Movie: Piranha 3DD. Ok the first one was entertaining. It was a gore fest, had a decent story, etc. This piece of crap. OMG. It was probably one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And I watch alot of crap on the SyFy channel. Fortunately, I did not pay for this gem. A friend brought it over on DVD(Yes he actually bought this). You know how some movies are so bad they are great? I.E Showgirls? Well this was so bad it was just bad. And David Hasselhoff was in it. Need I say more?




10) Favorite Moment of The Year: Making the decision NOT to go through chemo again. I can't even tell you how completely devastated I was when I found out that I had a small amount of cancer in a node. Devastated wasn't a strong enough word. Ruined. Completely ruined. But then when my doctor told me the percentages I felt like I won the lottery. I seriously could have skipped out of Siedman Cancer Center.





I am finally off tomorrow and I am going to enjoy a day to myself. Heading to the gym early then shopping, lunch and a few drinks.

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO
B

"The Great Escape"

When I heard about the Kansas City Chief player, Jovan Belcher, killing himself and his girlfriend over the weekend, I was shocked. But then I heard about Eric Eucker, who worked for the Browns for 10 years, killing himself at the Browns training camp in Berea, and I was saddened. Eric was younger then me. Graduated from Olmsted Falls High School in 1989.

I started thinking how bad could it be that someone would do such a thing? And then I thought of the Pink song, "The Great Escape" which discusses having to help someone who is going through a rough time and making sure they don't harm themselves. I urge you to watch the above video and listen to the lyrics.

Life is never easy. We all have our issues and some hide them better than others. I was listening to a conversation about both young men at a bar yesterday. One struck me as interesting. They were discussing Jovan Belcher:

"Why would someone who has millions of dollars do that?"
"He played in the NFL how could he go and do that. He had EVERYTHING"

I am not sure why people think because he played in the NFL and was a millionaire he is not allowed to have any problems. Or mental issues. Or addiction issues. Do only poor people suffer from depression? We have this weird belief that those who are famous and/wealthy should be perfect. Having money does not mean you have sanity. It does not mean you have proper coping skills if there is an issue you have to deal with in your life.

I never knew Eric Eucker but I have friends who did know him. They said he was very nice. It is sad that he felt he had no other options. I think it is vital that each of us take the time from our busy days and reach our to our friends to see how they are doing. The holidays are very hard on many people for different reasons. Some have very bad memories of things that have happened to them around the holidays in their personal lives. So if you know of someone like this, just check in on them. Allow them to know that if they need anything they can count on you. Invite them to your house for the holidays if they are alone. Just reach out.

I dont know why I decided to write this blog. But sometimes I feel the need to talk about something other than cancer. It saddens me that someone felt they had no other way to get through life other than to end it. Both of these young men have families who now have to go through the holidays grieving. I dont wish that on anybody. I can not imagine what they are going through and I hope I never have to.

XOXO-
B

"Song For A Winters Night"

I think this is one of the prettiest "Christmas" songs. Ok it's really not a Christmas song but they do play it during Christmas. And, well, the best singer ever is singing it so there you have it.

Christmas. I used to enjoy it. It's been hard the past 2 and now onto the third, since my divorce. I will never forget the Christmas of 2010. Wow. Was I a miserable mess. Even more so than I am now. I did not know what to do with myself. I remember Christmas Eve. I always went to my ex husbands family's house for 15 years. Now, all of a sudden, I was sitting in a house, alone on Christmas Eve. Talk about depressing. My parents even stopped over after church. I think it was to check on me and make sure I was ok.

I still have a hard time with Christmas now. It sucks. Everyone is married with kids and/or is in a relationship. Me? Big loser in the corner. Divorced with cats and no real boobs. I am pretty sure this is going to be be me in 30 years:




I am fortunate though that I have a great family. I love seeing my neice and nephew during Christmas open all of their gifts. So that I am thankful for. At least I am here on this planet with everything I have been through to be able to see that.

It is not like I am desperate to be in a relationship. I am not that type of girl. I am to the point now where if it happens.....it happens. I sometimes think maybe Mike was my "one true love" and things just didn't work and I am basically shit out of luck. It's possible. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I hope all of you who do have someone in your life appreciate them. Not just during Christmas or birthdays but every day you are on this earth together.

Happy Friday everyone!!

XOXO-
B

"The Thanksgiving Song"

I have alot to be thankful for this year. Obviously, sitting here and being able to type this blog is one of them. Never in a million years did I think that I would go through all of the same shit again 4 years later. But I did. I am not sure why it happened. I don't really ask that question anymore. My opinion there really aren't reasons why things happen to certain people. It just.........happens.

I really want to thank so many people in this blog but its impossible to do so without editing it 100 times to add people. So I want to thank my family first and foremost. My parents rule. Driving my ass downtown at the buttcrack of dawn, helping me out at home, my mom staying with me to make sure I was okay, etc. You don't realize how much you need your parents until something like that happens to you. I am fortunate that they are still on this planet. Some of my friends are not so lucky.

I want to thank all of my friends. Seriously--totally overwhelmed by the outpouring of generosity after my surgery and even still to this day. I am so amazed. Even now when I open my mailbox and get a card that just says "I am thinking about you and I hope you are doing well". That is truly special. I feel like I have a mountain of people I can depend on. If I need something, I am not afraid to ask for it.

I get alot of people that say to me things like, "I think you are amazing", "You are an inspiration", etc. I don't feel that special. Honestly, at times I do not even know how I got through the past 4 years without being institutionalized. It was not pretty at times but I fought through it. I make no apologies for some of my reactions. Whether I was sad, happy, pissed...the words I said in this blog were true. I think too many times we all try to hide our emotions. Or we don't want others to see when we are weak. But I have been weak many times mentally. And that is okay.

I hope what I provided to all of you in this blog was a little insight of what I was going through not only physically but emotionally. Maybe I educated some of you about breast cancer. Hopefully I made some of you laugh. I think laughter is the best medicine in the world. There isn't a better drug that compares to a good, old fashioned belly laugh.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And if you go shopping on Thanksgiving night, I hope you end up with food poisoning and you are in the middle of Walmart with the cha-chas, in a 3 mile checkout line, with nowhere to go. You deserve it.......

XOXO-
B

"Do Your Boobs Hang Low?"

My parents picked me up at 4:45 AM yesterday. I had been up since 2 AM. I dont know what it was about this surgery but I was really nervous. It was weird. I knew what to expect and I knew it was an easy surgery. However, my stomach was in knots

They took me back into the holding are about 6. Basically you get changed and wait around for the nurses, take a pregnancy test(Negative!) , and wait for the anesthesiologist. My surgery was scheduled at 7:15 and I was pretty much in there on the dot. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room and the clock said 9:30. I stayed in recovery until about 10:30 and then was released about 10:45. All in all not too shabby. They gave me prescriptions for Cephalexin 3 times a day(that is just to kill any infection) and Oxycontin for pain. Glad to report no pain!

Honestly it doesnt even feel like I had surgery. It just feels like I did an intense workout with weights. I am more sore in my pectoral muscle. But other than that its been a total cakewalk. I expected that since last time I had this I had no issues. It is weird because others have complained that their swap hurt them. I dont know if I am fortunate or what but my doctor is two for two on getting the job done right!

I have a follow up with Dr. Soltanian on Tuesday so I will have to leave work early. Ugh. I hardly have any time left for the year so look like I am going to have to use a few hours. Not happy about it but as long as I get the week off of CHristmas thats all that matters to me at this point.

I am LOVING not doing a damn thing this weekend. I purposely DVR'd every show I watch during week and saved them all for this weekend. I also plan on watching a movie on Netflix, Ohio State and the Browns tomorrow. I also plan on sleeping ALOT.....speaking of sleeping. I took a Klonopin about an hour before bed last night and it did me wonders. I am sure being up since 2 AM helped too but I only woke up once all night and that was just to pee. I ended up waking up around 6 then went bck to sleep until 7:45. That was really great. I am very tired right now but I am sure that is because of the lack of sleep catching up with me but the surgery as well.

I took a look at my new boob and it looks great. A little swollen but I am happy with the results. He did a little nip and tuck on the side that I showed him where I had some extra skin from the mastectomy. Its skin that you can never just lose so it would have had to been removed surgically. All in all I am so happy its done and over with. I will deal with the tattooing of the aureola and the construction of the nipple in a few months. No rush there. He does that right in the office anyways so I can do that at any time.

I am looking forward to this coming week. Nice short week of work. Thanksgiving on Thursday with my sister in laws family, impromptu high school reunion Friday at Gunselmans, Thanksgiving with my family on Saturday and then Browns/Steelers on Sunday! I am so lucky to have all of this in my life and to be able to be on this planet to do it.

On a side note, I ended things with John. It just was not working out and I felt it was best for me at this point to move on. No hard feelings but I need to concentrate on me right now. Selfish? Maybe. However, I need to do what I have to do.



Thank you to everyone who sent texts and emails checking up on me!

Love you guys!
XOXO
B-

"Pills"

Picked up my drugs at Target yesterday. Here is everything I will be taking including the Vitamin D they put me on and the Percocet they will give me for pain management after surgery:





As she rang me up, I waited for the total---$5.32. I probably did a double take but I wasn't going to ask any questions. Turns out the Effexor, for the hot flashes, was free. The Klonopin for the insomnia was $5. Winner winner chicken dinner! I wont be taking any of these drugs until after surgery, which is tomorrow.


My parents will be picking me up bright and early at 4:45 AM. I have to be down at UH at 5:45. I am a pro at all of this now sadly. I check in at Mather Pavilion. They then go through all of the insurance stuff then I am sent upstairs to the surgery waiting area where I check in for surgery. They give you a buzzer like you would get waiting for a table at a restaurant. When they are ready for you, they buzz you and they take you back. You get changed and then you are escorted to a bed. You sit there waiting. And waiting. 8 million doctors and nurses come by and ask you questions like:

"Are you allergic to anything?"
"Are you pregnant?"
"Do you smoke?"
"Any lose fillings?"
"Any bad reactions to anesthesia?"

See I told you I am a pro.


The doctor swings by, tells you what hes planning on doing, marks you up with a marker, and then you are set to go. Your family comes in and tells you they love you and then you are off to la la land. After I wake up, I will finally have my reconstruction 90% done. My expander will be swapped out with a silicone implant. It is a pretty easy surgery and I am hoping for not too much discomfort. I do not have many nerve endings there so I should not be too bad(fingers crossed).

Kim will be spending the night Friday as they want someone with you the first night anytime you go under anesthesia. She is going to bring some King Wah(NOM!) so we will chill out Friday night and catch up. Saturday & Sunday I will be living on my couch catching up with my DVR, watching football, eating snacks and SLEEPING. I plan on being back at work Monday morning.

All that being said, I am taking time for me at this time. As some of you know, I have decided to take a break from dating John. I just need to concentrate on me, my surgery, and the side effects from the Lupron. I don't think you can relate to this unless you have been through it. When you are miserable on the inside whether if its from not sleeping, moody, and/or sweating to death, you can not keep putting on this facade of being happy. It is not fair to me to have to do that. So I just need to focus on me and getting back on track. I do not know what will happen with us. I just know I am taking time to be selfish in all of this and I am okay with that. I am going to do what I want to do. I think too many of us, myself included, always worry about everyone else. Well guess what? Times are a changing my friend.

Looking forward to my new boobs. Although this cancer thing has sucked ass, at least I know my tits will never sag and will always be perky. BLONK.

XOXO-
B

"Suffering"

"Suffering" is a great song. And best song off of the Beautiful Girls soundtrack. My favorite soundtrack...ever.

I am pretty miserable right now. Saturday night was kind of the topper. I can't do this anymore. Not sleeping. It's not healthy. My plan is to call my oncology nurse today and see what they will prescribe me. I have tried the natural route with Melatonin and its not working. So if you want to do a weekend getaway, vacation, etc I will declining until this is under control.

I found this website that had people talking about Lupron. Glad to see I am not the only one who is suffering from the same side effects:

Lupron Devastated My Life

It probably sounds pretty dramatic to some of you. But I can't tell you how much it sucks to not be able to get through one night without waking up anywhere from 6-10 times. Then you get to work and you feel like you could literally fall asleep at your desk. After asking many people for advice, it just seems there is no answer. Many of the drugs like Ambien, have horrible side effects as well. Stuff like Effexor will help with hot flashes but may cause insomnia. I feel like I can not win. Then you hear how these drugs are so addictive. What the hell are you supposed to do? Suffer and deal or take the medication and better your life? There is no good answer.

I need to focus on me during this time. So if I start seeming distant that's why. I do not want to be around people for the most part. Cats yes. People.....no. I am not going to sit there and be fake. I just will not put myself in situations I do not want to be in. Its plain and simple.

I have surgery this Friday. I have to be down at UH by 5:45 which wont be an issue because God knows I wont be able to sleep anyways. Ironically, the most sleep I will be getting is probably when I am unconscious under anesthesia.

I know I sound like a whiny asshole. I know. I know. I know. But putting my words down in this blog is therapeutic for me in some ways. And if you don't like it, then don't read it. I am just being honest rather than not talk about things like most of you do.


XOXO
B

"Pink Houses"

Well thank god that is over with. The election that is.




I am not going to waste alot of time on this topic. I know most of you reading this have had it with the ads, the mail, and the relentless ramblings on Facebook. I was pretty shocked at what some people wrote on their walls and some who wrote stuff that the public could see. It is pretty disgusting to sit and verbally attack our President. Acting like the world is going to come to an end is ridiculous and quite honestly, just pathetic. I did go out and vote. Although not exactly enthralled with either candidate, I did vote. That's the beauty of the United States....we have that ability to do so. So now Obama has 4 years to get this country on track. If he doesn't, the Democrats will be trouble for the next election, as they should be.

See I can play both sides when it comes to politics. Some of you don't look past the party name and THAT is the problem in this country. To me its not BLACK AND WHITE. I swear for some of you Charles Manson could be running for either party and you would vote for them because they are associated with your party. Its bizarre.


Ahhh so anyways on to more important topics like: Me. Kidding. I had support group last night and it was good to vent. I think everyone seemed a little shocked at all of the crap I am dealing with on my plate:

1) Genetic testing
2) Lupron hell
3) Surgery on the 16th

I definitely will be asking for something to help with the side effects. Quality of life is very important to me. Especially if I have to go through 3 years of this. It was nice to vent and have people LISTEN. Not judge me. Just listen. Then give me advice or suggestions as to how to get through all of this crap.

I am looking forward to this weekend. John and I are going do an overnight in downtown Cleveland. One of the things he won at my benefit was free night at the Double Tree downtown. So we are going to head over to the Horseshoe Casino for a bit and then check out the new Wink's downtown. Going to get some beers, dinner and watch some college football. I am really looking forward to it. It will be a nice get away from all of the crap before my surgery on the 16th.

Speaking of surgery, I need to be down there by 5:45 AM next Friday. Well I guess I will be up so wont be a problem getting up for it. I will be getting my expander removed and replaced with a silicone implant. I am expecting to be couch or bed ridden for 2 days. SO I am hoping its QUIET around my neighborhood as I will hopefully be sleeping as much as possible those 2 days. That means you Rick if you are reading this! No football party next Sunday please! :)


Anyways, lets all move on from the election and hope we can all get this country back on track. Stop battling each other.

XOXO
B

"I Dont Care Anymore"

It's Election Day tomorrow and you know what? I don't give a rats ass. Neither is getting my vote. I used to be one of those "rah rah" people about voting. Not anymore. If I don't feel passionate about you, the issues you are behind, and think that you are going to do a fantastic job, then you aren't getting my vote. I definitely do not believe in voting just to vote. I have about had it with the Facebook bullshit. STOP. STOP. STOP. Seriously. You are not going to change anyone's mind. You just look like a bully.


I have more on my plate right now then worrying about Obama or Romney. You both have completely turned me off to voting. You know where I will be tomorrow? I will be at the Gathering Place after work trying to regain my sanity. Going to my support group. Talking with other women who share the same problems as me. Who can relate. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a doozy for me. Allow me to explain.....

I know I have been whining about my Lupron side effects. It truly is making me miserable. Its weird, for a week or so after the shot I am just a mess. Hot flashes, insomnia, night sweats, irritable(to the point where I could probably punch someone), etc. It's horrible. Horrible. I don't want to be around people. I want to be by myself. I need to ask for something next time I go. I need to sleep. If you sleep through the night, I am jealous. I do not. Doesn't matter when I go to bed, doesn't matter now if I take Melatonin, nothing is working. I basically am up every hour. It is maddening.

I am not sure how one is supposed to live their lives this way. I really don't. I am very sad as to how this drug is turning me basically into a walking zombie. A miserable human being who feels like shes going to snap........

I remember when I went on this drug. I had about 4-5 people all say the same thing:

"It's hell"


Welcome to my world............hell


XOXO-
B

"Them Bones"

Third shot is in the books. Yesterday I had to go out to St John West Shore because Siedman over at Westlake was closed due to no power. Very nice facility! I always have alot of questions when I go in there because there is 4 weeks between shots. One of the questions I wanted to know was:

"After 3 years, my period will come back, right? So aren't I producing hormones at that point and high risk for ovarian cancer?"

My chemo nurse, Terri(who is AWESOME!), explained to me that once you are diagnosed with breast cancer and they rule out that you are NOT positive for the breast cancer gene, the reason they put you on the shot for 3 years is because that 3 year window is when you have the HIGHEST risk for ovarian cancer. Once you get past that 3 year window, I have the same risk as anyone else would. Its all about research and statistics.

Keep in mind this could change too once I get the other results back from the second round of genetic testing. However, I will not be getting those results back for another 3-6 months. In the meantime, I will be getting the shot in my ass. It doesn't hurt for those who have asked. I have enough fat back there!

The positive side of this all is no period! No cramps. No bullshit! The hot flashes have seemed to somewhat get better. I told her I was at the gym more. Now back at it 4 times a week which I actually really enjoy. She then asked me if I noticed any bone pain. That was weird because the other day I noticed my left hip was aching. I attributed it to the gym but she thinks its from the shot. The Lupron shot makes your bones less dense. I am currently on prescription Vitamin D and she also recommended a calcium supplement which I will be picking up this weekend. She also really pressed that its important to keep moving. Keep walking, keep lifting weights, but do not stay stationary. It will help out greatly.

Next month I will be meeting with my oncologist, Dr Silverman, and we will go into more detail about how I am handling the shots, my genetic counseling, etc. I do not see the oncologist everytime I go. I see her every third time(unless there is some pressing need to see her obviously).

On a completely different note, how about that storm huh? I feel so bad for all of those people. I know it sucks to lose power(as many of you did in North East Ohio--and some still do not have it). I totally sympathize. Back in 2011, during an ice storm, in February, I had a tree branch fall on my power lines and rip my electric meter off of my house. No power for 3 days!! And it was fucking FREEEEEEEEEEZING.

Shout out to President Obama who was competent during all of this and even Chris Christie gave him kudos(and he hates Obama). I am sure though nobody else that isnt voting for Obama will give credit where credit is due and that is a shame. Put your political agendas aside for second. And speaking of politics.......








Stay dry everyone!

XOXO
B

"Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season"

Man that was some scary shit last night, right? And we werent even in the worst part of it all. I think I slept with one eye open all night. All I kept thinking was the oak tree in back falling on my house and killing me. Hence, why I slept on the couch. Less chance of impalement.

I wish work would just make a decision when it comes to situations like this. Nobody is on the same page which is very frustrating. When you have the option to work from home, why not close the office the night before? I do not understand it.

I took a walk around the house. Lots of branches and leaves down. Fortunately, I do not see any noticeable damage. I then took a ride up to Giant Eagle to get some snacks and our street looked like a war zone. Shit everywhere. It was pretty crazy. I cant imagine what it looks like closer to the lake. Some of the pictures I have seen have been unreal







On a POSITIVE note, I got a call from the testing company that is administering my second round of genetic tests. Insurance will pay for ALL of it. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Stay safe & warm everyone!!

And remember.............




XOXO-
B

"Indifference"

Not sure how I feel right now. Not mad. Not sad. The test was negative. Negative for BRCA1. Negative for BRCA2. As most of you know, I was hoping for a positive test just so I could have some excuse for why I got breast cancer twice in 4 years. It is probably weird to say that. But I just wanted closure on this. The positive thing is I no longer have the high risk of ovarian cancer. That being said, Sarah(my genetic counselor at UH),discussed with me my options.

The next set of tests she wanted to discuss with me were obviously optional. These took a look at 14 gene mutations that breast cancer patients can carry. What these mutations tell you is whether you are high risk for other cancers(i.e. thyroid, uterine, etc). It took me about a second to decide to do it. Why? It is the end of the year and I can get it under this years insurance(assuming they pay for it). I did not see any point in waiting. These results, assuming insurance pays for them, take a little bit longer since there are so many strands of genes to look at. I should have these results anywhere from 3-6 months. In the meantime, I will be doing to Lupron shots.

Yes it sucks to not have an exact answer. However, I am trying to look at the positives: I don’t have a higher risk for ovarian and I am typing this blog. I have my next shot of Lupron on Halloween. I have some questions to ask them and will be discussing the results with them. I am hoping the side effects of the Lupron taper off. Otherwise, someone might bail me out of jail…..seriously.

I do want to say CONGRATULATIONS to my long time friend and sorority sister, Jan who is finishing up her last chemo treatment today for colon cancer.


I love you and I am proud to call you my friend. Both of us have endured hell and I think we will be bonded forever because of it. I will see you in Toledo in a month and we will be celebrating with some beers and hibachi. BONZAI BITCHES!

Heading to Fatheads tonight. Its bacon and beer night……..and you know how much I love both!

XOXO-
B

"I'm On Fire"

Check out Whitehorse above. So amazing. Love them love them love them. Saw them last night at Wilbert's. I forgot how great a small, intimate setting is when seeing live music. It's really the way to see music live. And why is it that the majority of the time, the most talented musicians do not get the recognition they deserve and we need to be subjected to Nickleback??? Not fair. Luke is Sarah McLachlan's long time guitarist and his wife Melissa has her own solo career as well as playing in Sarah's band the past few years. Then they formed a side project together called Whitehorse. Check them out....check out their other videos.....do yourself a favor!

Ironically the blog post is called, "I'm on Fire" because I have been feeling like that lately. Damn hot flashes. So horrible. Just picture sitting there and literally you feel like your cheeks are going up in flames. Mine don't last for long periods of time. Usually about 30 seconds to a minute but its constant. At nighttime its the worst. I must remove and put back on covers 100 times a night.

That being said my results are in for the genetic testing. They called me yesterday to schedule the appointment to go over the results with the genetic counselor at UH. So I have my appointment on Tuesday at 8:30. I am hoping its positive. You are probably thinking to yourself, "Why!? Why would she want that?". Well let me break it down for you......

When you have been diagnosed twice in 4 years and you were first diagnosed at 34, you want answers. I am over the part of being angry it happened to me. I just want to know WHY it happened to me. When numerous doctors tell you, "You are too young to have it twice" then you are HOPING they have an answer for you. In a weird way it will be peace of mind for me. It will be my "Ahhhh haaaaaaa!" moment. It will explain why I had to endure hell for these past 4 years. If it doesn't come back positive, I will be shell shocked and quite honestly probably REALLY pissed off.

Many have asked me what will happen either way the test results go. So here is the breakdown for you:

Positive: It means I have a 40% chance of getting ovarian cancer. These means I will need my ovaries out. No clue when that surgery would happen. I WISH it could be this year for insurance purposes. Sadly, my guess it will be sometime early next year which means more mother fucking doctor bills. Seriously......why do I have to keep worrying about this?

Negative: I will stay on the Lupron for 3 years. One shot. Every 4 weeks. Honestly if this is going to be my life for 3 years I might end up in jail. No joke. I do not like what this shit is doing to me mentally. I am irritable(well more so), crabby, and feel like crap most of the time. Another reason this test needs to come back positive so I can stop taking this horrible shit.

Busy weekend ahead. Taking Lisa out for dinner tonight for being such a great friend and being gracious in allowing my benefit to be held at Gunselmans. Its probably not enough thanks but I truly appreciate it! Tomorrow I have got to get some of those damn leaves raked up in the back then I am going to go watch football with John. Finally, on Sunday, my brother, nephew, Brian and I are going to go watch the Browns. I will need to watch my potty mouth around Aidan. Damn it! It's hard when watching the Browns!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO
B

"I'm So Tired"

I don't think you realize how important sleep is until you don't have it. For the past few weeks I have not been sleeping. Although I have been sick for a week, I also am on shot #2 of the Lupron. Side effects include:

Hot flashes, severe migraines, severe mood swings, trouble sleeping, night sweats

I am hoping my genetic testing comes back positive for two reasons. One being the obvious: I will have an answer as to why I got breast cancer twice. And two because I can get off of these shots and have my ovaries removed and be done with this. I do not like myself right now. I am basically this:



When I went through chemo in 2008, I had hot flashes during those 4 months and they are just hell. I also had the insomnia too. It really messes with you mentally. Take for instance this past weekend. It was a friend's birthday and a bunch of the girls were going to go to some wineries then do an overnight stay. I knew there was no way I could do the overnight. Not with these symptoms. It sucks. Because although I want to, I know that I am going to be miserable all night long. And why put everyone else through my hell?

My next trip into the oncologist, which is on Halloween, I am hoping I have some answers to the genetic test results. If I don't, I am going to ask them to put me on Effexor. This is supposed to help with the hot flashes and might help me sleep. I just hate to put too many drugs into my system. However, if it is going to help me have a better quality of life, then I have to do what I have to do. I just hate feeling like this. Feeling bitchy, sad and crabby all at once sucks. And it's not like I can help it. I don't want little things setting me off. It is no way to live.

So my apologies if I seem on edge lately. My goal is to start back at the gym. 5 days a week. No excuses. I think it will really help me mentally right now. I totally got off of the wagon when I got diagnosed. I take full ownership of that. I just did not feel like going to the gym. I know I probably should have but I just lost my mojo. I gave up on myself and had my pity party. Now the pity party is over and this bitch is getting back to the gym.

Happy Monday everyone! Hope you have a great week!

XOXO-
B

"Pink"

Its October. Its "Breast Cancer Awareness Month". This morning on my drive into work, I listened to 92.3 The Fan and an argument between the two morning show people about the NFL making players wear pink in last night's Monday Night game.

It is an interesting argument. Look, pink is not my favorite color. I look awful in it. And honestly all I think about when I see it is breast cancer. Is that a bad thing? The argument against it is that there are other diseases that kill more people than breast cancer. However, let's be honest here: The NFL is a publicity machine. They are not making the players wear pink because they want to help me or thousands of other women who have been diagnosed with this disease. It's about bringing more women closer to the NFL game.

I can not blame the NFL for that. And I am also not going to crucify them for bringing some sort of awareness on this disease regardless of their true intentions. I HATE, HATE when people put diseases up against each other: "Well heart disease kills more people", "Well prostate cancer kills more men". Listen asshole dont belittle breast cancer. And dont make ME feel guilty because the NFL chose to acknowledge breast cancer over another disease. It is like the people who want to say shit that University Hospital is better than Cleveland Clinic or vice versa. This is not a fucking competition. This is lives we are talking about.

If you don't like how your disease is being ignored than do something about it. Start up an annual walk. Those who join your cause make a donation which can be donated to your favorite charity. But please STOP making me feel guilty. What you are doing is belittling the disease. Would you like to sit in a support group of mine and tell a 25 year girl who has just been told that her breasts will need removed that her disease isn't as important as others? Or the 40 year old woman who was told she has stage 4 and she basically has a few months left with her children?

I can not believe in this day and age that we are even discussing this. Again, I dont know exactly what the true intentions are of the NFL. However, I will be damned if I am going to crucify them for it. I have better things to do........like live my life.

XOXO-
B

"Happy Birthday"

Well not just yet but I am pretty close to the big ol' 39 on Monday. That's right JUST turning 39 while some of you jive turkeys are turning 40! I do feel old physically though. I have been just been through so much I feel like my bones have a lot of stories to tell.

I have a pretty busy "birfday" weekend planned. Friday, Brian, Kim and I are going out for dinner than drinks at Gunselmans. Its pretty much tradition that we go out for each others birthdays since we have all been hanging out. Even through my divorce, its been nice to keep this going.

Saturday I have to take the kitties to the vet. Was supposed to get them in there in July but as you may have noticed I was a little preoccupied. I also knew I couldnt take them in until I got strong enough to wrangle them into their carriers. Sam is pretty easy to catch. But hes strong as a horse when he doesnt want to put placed into a zippered up bag from hell(his words not mine). Bug just doesnt like to be held at all. Alot of people ask me why I never have pictures of her. Well she doesnt sit still unless shes sleeping. And she doesnt like you holding her. So for me to not only pick her up but place her in the carrier? Not a good time. Looks something like this:



Saturday night I will be going to my parents house for dinner. Birthday girl gets to pick out her meal so I picked lasagna and some delicious pie from Bakers Square with chocolate and bacon on it:



Ridiculous right? Riiiiiiiiiight.

Sunday Joanna and I are going to the Browns/Bills game. My brother coerced us into tailgating with them. Its not going to be warm and it might rain. I will have to dress accordingly and bring my beer coat. I have a good feeling about this game but I have no idea. I do know this: They should win for me since its my birfday.

Finally, Monday, my birfday and John is taking me to Fratello's for dinner. Who's John? Well maybe one day there will be a blog about him. Stop being so damn nosey...... ;)


XOXO-
B

"The Waiting"

Yesterday my mom and I headed down to UH and the Center of Human Genetics. This was a fact finding session to go over my family history of cancer and more importantly, breast cancer. In order for insurance to pay for some or all of this test, the counselor goes through a series of question and your family tree.

It was very interesting to see her write all of this information down and chart it all. Once she was finished, it was very apparent that there is some sort of link genetically on my grandfather's side. What that link is remains to be seen. It could be the breast cancer gene but it might be some other gene that they might not know enough about yet.

They took my blood to send off to testing assuming insurance doesn't cause any grief. Basically what happens is IF my out of pocket is under $375 then they will process the test. If its OVER $375, they call me and I have to make a decision on whether I want the test done or not. It is the counselors belief that insurance should pay for this based on my family history. HOWEVER, as well all know, nothing is ever guaranteed. I know I can't afford to just pay for the test myself(around $4,000). So fingers crossed, Anthem pays for it and there are not any issues.

My results should be back in about 4 weeks barring any complications. If it comes back positive, it definitely answers why this happened to my twice. The next step would be an Oophorectomy, which is the removal of your ovaries. If you test positive, you have a 40% chance of ovarian cancer. If I test negative, I will continue the Lupron shots to shut down my ovaries and I might go into further genetic testing to see if there is something else that is in my families DNA. I also may have the Oophorectomy, provided it can be cleared by insurance. We will just have to wait and see.

It will be great to get the results. A part of me hopes I am a carrier of the gene. That may sound weird but at least I will have an answer as to why I endured hell the past 4+ years.

I will definitely update everyone once I get the results.

XOXO
B

"Shot In The Dark"

A shot right in the ass. That's where I got my first Lupron shot yesterday. I went to see Marla, my chemo nurse, who will be handling my shots and appointments the next few years. Essentially, Lupron will make my ovaries go to sleep.



In the meantime, I will be getting genetic testing. I have my appointment next Tuesday downtown with the genetic counselor. My mom and I had to answer numerous questions about out family history and then bring that info with us. My guess is the counselor will go through all of the info then they have to get approval by insurance for the test. I am HOPING with my history and family history Anthem will not have a problem in covering this very vital test.

So I will be doing monthly shots of Lupron until I figure out if I test positive for the breast cancer gene or not. I am worried about the side effects. They include the following:

Constipation; dizziness; general body pain; headache; hot flashes; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting; stuffy nose; trouble sleeping; weakness.




Great. Good times. I felt kind of crappy this morning. The hot flashes and night sweats will probably start in about 3 weeks. Great. Right in time for my birthday. So be forewarned: If I am crabby, not feeling well, dont want to do certain things because I am not feeling well, please do not take it personally. I am apologizing to you in in advance.....I am now a 38 year old woman trapped in a 50+ year olds body. Sweeeeeeet......at least I am alive.


And totally off topic I want to touch upon the recent passing of Art Modell. I am going to limit my words here but I want to say this: I do not feel any sympathy towards anyone who has horrible character, value and ethics. You broke my heart and I will never forgive ANYONE for doing that.

Have a great weekend everyone! and.........




XOXO-
B

"I Will Wait"

I have no idea why I picked this blog title other than I love this friggin' song and I love Mumford & Sons.



Todays blog post will be short and sweet. Just a picture post from my benefit. I picked some of my favorites. Thank you to Kim for helping me out and taking the pictures

"Aint Nobody Got Time For That"

I dont care what anyone says. The above is the best video ever. Beyond Sweet Brown, I love the random guy walking in the background trying to get on camera. I could be in the shittiest mood and this makes me laugh everytime I see it.

So I am slowing down on the blog posts lately. I do not have too much to talk about on the cancer front right now until I go see the genetic counselor on the 11th. My mom will be going with me since she can shed better light on our family history with cancer. Today I will be seeing Dr. Soltanian to get another fill in my expander. After today, I should only need 2 more hopefully then I will be done. I can then schedule my swap surgery which they will take the expander out and an implant in. Another surgery. That will make 3 for the year. I am convinced that much anesthesia is probably doing a number on my brain cells.

So back to the video. I was thinking about many things over the past few days. Things that I just do not have the time anymore to deal with. After two bouts with cancer, you have a tendency to be less tolerant of bullshit. So I started making a list of 5 things that I no longer will tolerate:

1) Rudeness: People who RSVP to something and dont show up. No email, no text, no nothing. Rude. What is this all about? Your mama didn't raise you right.

2) Tardiness: I dont know why people think this is okay. God does it drive me batshit crazy. 1:00 means 1:00. Not 1:10.......not 1:15. Your time apparently doesnt mean shit to you. But time is a lot more valuable to me. When you could have had your life taken away from you, you learn to appreciate time. Have some respect.

3) Larry Dolan: Shame on you motherfuckers. Wow. And I thought Randy Lerner was the worst owner ever. Damn. When you cant acknowledge that your team was a complete failure and you plan on doing nothing about it, we are all in trouble.

4) Courtesy: When I hold a door open for you and you dont thank me, I will call you out. Seriously. Takes 1 second to say, "Thank you". Or when you let a driver over a lane and they dont do the courtesy wave? I always yell, "ASSHOLE" at them like they can hear me.

5) Facebook sludge: People on ranting every single GD post, status update, etc about politics is obnoxious. UNSUBSCRIBE is a great feature. I dont need your shit cluttering up my wall. We get it. You dont like Obama. We get it you dont Romney. I dont need to be reminded every 30 seconds. And same goes for the Jesus posts. You love Jesus? Great. But again, I dont need to be reminded of it every 5 seconds.



Heading to Salamanca, NY this weekend thanks to my buddy Steve who hooked me up with a free room at Seneca Allegany. Going to enjoy a nice dinner and good company.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone and be safe!!

XOXO-
B

"Thats What Friends Are For"

Doesn't get much cheesier than that, right? Well whatever it's true. I am not sure words could ever explain what I am feeling. Sunday was pretty amazeballs. I have no idea how many people showed up. I felt like I was running around like a maniac. I am sure I didnt get a chance to talk to everyone either, which I truly apologize for. I know taking your Sunday, which many of us live for, and heading out to some bar is probably not the ideal thing you want to be doing. But THANK YOU for those that did. I had people drive in from Indiana for this(Hi Patty!)....for little old me?

I can't tell you how many people came up to me or emailed me and said how great the fundraiser was. And that's because of all of the hard work from my friends. From the girls who did the grunt work(The Sue's, The Beth's, Elise, Kim, Gina,& Jodi), to Lisa and Eric, Sarah who bartended, cutie pie Nate who played music, Tim who helped clean up, & to everyone who helped with the front door, sideboards, 50/50 and raffle tables. I can't thank you enough.

I am sure my little speech at Gunselmans didn't quite get my message across. I felt like I was babbling. I now know how people forget to thank others when they win an Academy Award. You just go blank. And you get overcome with emotion. I was so "Ramotional!"(Those who watch Real Housewives will understand that!)

I took yesterday off. Wasn't planning on it. Had every intention of going in, showered and just said screw it. It was rainy out and I wanted to chill. So I ran some errands, pick some stuff up left at the bar, and relaxed. It was kind of one of those : "Ahhhhh" moments. I felt better where I am at financially. I was putting everything on a credit card and the donations will help that debt alot.

I hope everyone had a nice time, had some great food, and those that won some things enjoys them. Especially Mo......with her Adult gift basket. ;)

XOXOXOXOXO
B-

"Good Times"

I feel very fortunate today. I woke up yesterday morning to something like 15 emails from Pay Pal. Shocked, I couldnt figure out why I was getting all of these at once. Then found out that one of the posters on The OBR, posted on the site about helping out with donations.

The donations kept coming throughout the day. It was amazing. I mean, these are people who don't even know me. We have all chatted about football online but 95% of these people I have never met. I know many of them have donated to me in the past for Race for the Cure.

Its amazing how gracious Browns fans are. When you really think about it, I am a nobody to these people. But they rallied together and helped me out. And I truly, truly appreciate it. And I also noticed a huge spike in views yesterday. 600 views this week from The OBR alone. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

So thank you to everyone who donated. You guys are amazing.

Its a busy weekend. Tonight Kim, Gilly, Joanna and I are grabbing some dinner/drinks then heading to the Browns game. My support group leader was gracious enough to give me free tickets. We are right behind the Eagles bench. I am HOPING Vick is walking around on the sideline so we can heckle him.



Sunday is the benefit, of course. Thank you to Sue Higham, Sue Klika, Kim Zemek, Beth Kuhn, Gina Lehmann, Jodi Rodriguez, Elise Bastian, & Lisa Zellmer. You girls are amazing friends. I dont even know how I can ever thank you enough for all of our hard work. I love you guys!

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! I will see some of you on Sunday!

HERE WE GO BROWNIES....HERE WE GO!!!





XOXO-
B

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

Many people have been asking about the fundraiser on Sunday. Stuff like: Where, when, parking, etc. So I thought I would post a blog to answer some questions


1) Where: Gunselmans Tavern on Lorain Rd in Fairview Park(Corner of W 215 & Lorain)

2) When: This Sunday from 3:00-8:00.

3) Cost: $25 CASH ONLY per person. No credit cards! If you need an ATM, there is one a block down. If you want to pay via check, you can do so. Just simply make the check out to me. But if it bounces I will hunt you down like a wild animal. If you can't make it and want to donate, you can do so via Pay Pal. My ID is: sarmcl@gmail.com.

4) What does ticket include?: Draft beer, wine, pop and food(pizza, wings, rigatoni, etc). And if I see anyone with a plate of 50 wings I am going to call you out and then proceed to beat you. I saw this at my nephews fundraiser. Take some food but damn people, leave some for the rest of the guests.

5) Parking: Parking is available on any of the side streets, Lorain Rd(I believe for an hour), Fairview Town Center across the street, or you can park behind the day care next door to Gunselmans. There is limited parking in the Gunselmans lot.

6) Raffles, Gift Baskets, etc: There will be 50/50 raffles, Side Boards and a chinese raffle for gift baskets. We have some seriously awesome baskets.

On that note, WINNERS NEED NOT TO BE PRESENT. Nothing worse than having to hang out for 6 hours to find out if you won a basket. Plus I know everyone is busy. All we ask is if you buy tickets, YOU NEED TO FILL OUT THE BACK OF THE TICKET. No info on back, and you leave and win.......guess you are shit out of luck!

7) Help Wanted: If you can help for 30 minutes whether it be at the front door, side boards, watching over gift baskets, etc, please sign up at link below:

SIGN UP SHEET!

8) Last but not least: Please tip the bartenders. They are my neighbors and my friends! And nice enough to bust their asses for the day!!!


And, again, if anyone wants to bring appetizers please do. We can not have too much food. Please bring in disposable container so we aren't worried about returning property to people.

If anyone has a question, just email me at: sarmcl@gmail.com


XOXO-
B

"Back In the Saddle Again"

Vacation was awesome. Just awesome. And literally what the doctor ordered. I am not sure it could have come at a better time. I was mentally exhausted from everything between the surgery and finding out about the chemo situation.

We essentially went to the beach, laid out in the sun , came in for lunch and laid by the pool for the majority of the days. We also did a ghost tour of the Old City jail. However, I almost passed out and puked in the middle of it. It was about 100 degrees in each room. I think I made Kim nervous because they locked us in a room that was so pitch black I couldnt see my hand in front of my face. And thats when I almost went down. I think between the heat, the sunburn, the wine and my surgery, I hit my limit that day!

We spent one day in downtown Charleston which is amazing. Did an awesome carriage ride. That was really cool to see the homes and sites. It also was hot as balls. So sitting in a carriage sounded great. We also did a lot of shopping and Charleston has some great shopping. Did some wine tasting which was realllllly good and got a shrimp po'boy for lunch at Eli's Table which was seriously awesome! All in all a fantastic trip and I cant wait to go back. Hopefully next summer again. I realized that I am kind of over the craziness of Vegas. Maybe its because I have done it so many times. I really just love relaxing on vacation. And the beach does that for me.

This weekend is going to be nuts. Heading to the Browns game on Friday with Kim, Gilly and Joanna. My group leader at the Gathering Place offered me free tickets. We are sitting on the 50th yard line, lower bowl, in the 10th row! Granted its pre-season but it will be cool to sit that close. Sunday is my benefit at Gunselmans that the ladies have been literally busting their asses over. If you are coming, you need to bring some extra cash for raffle tickets. We have some GREAT gift baskets! Browns tickets, hotel stays, booze basket, various gift cards to restaurants & bars………oh and a diamond necklace! I will post a benefit blog later this week on all of the details like where, when , parking, etc. So check back for an update!

Also, if you would like to sign up to help with the raffle, front door, side board, etc……please sign up at link below:

SIGN UP SHEET!

Happy Monday everyone! Have a fantastic week!

XOXO-
B

"Summertime"

No real specific reason for this blog title. I just love the song and it gets me in a great mood. And I love the Sundays.

Yesterday I began my fills for the reconstruction process. This basically consists of me getting filled with saline in my expander. For those rookies out there, Dr. Soltanian inserts a tissue expander after the mastectomy. This is filled with saline to stretch your tissue. You get "fills" weekly or every other week. Just depends on your schedule and how fast you want to go. When I got out of surgery, I had 300 cc's of saline put in. This was a hell of a lot more than the first time around. Yesterday I had about 40 cc's put in. About 2 hours later I was feeling it. I compare it to a brick on your chest. You get achy and its harder to breathe. But after a day or 2 it goes away and you dont really notice it.

To give you some idea of how many CC's you will need to be done, a C breast is about 450-500 cc's. Keep in mind though hes only going to expand me to match my other side. Once they are done with expanding me, then he will swap out the expander for an implant. The implant is either silicone or saline. I went with silicone last time. Much more natural feeling and no I am not worried about side effects. My doctor would not put something in me that would kill me. So simmer down........

The "swap" surgery is very easy. So much so I was grocery shopping the very next day. They go through your initial incision and you do not have nerves there any way. So its VERY simple. I can do this at any time so there is no rush. In my perfect world, I would like to have this done this year to get it under the calendar year for insurance. However, I have to wait until this genetic testing is done. Once I find the results of that, then I can figure everything out.

I have my genetic counseling meeting on September 11th. My mom and I will sit down and speak with the counselor. My understand is that she will ask you a zillion questions about your family history. This is why its vital my mom goes. She knows the history of her side of the family with breast cancer. My aunt passed away from it at a young age and I know my mom has some cousins who have died from it. Who they all are I am not entirely sure. Once they do that, they will submit to insurance. Then insurance tells them if its covered or not. I am hoping it is. Because genetic testing is THOUSANDS of dollars. And I wont be able to afford it otherwise.

Mentally, I am doing great. I really am. The chemo news just really lifted this massive stress off of me. I was even told by my one boss yesterday that I had a "glow about me". Right now I am just concentrating on getting back to normal. Back to the gym, back to work and back to..well.......life.

I again want to thank everyone for all you did for me. Whether it was stopping by, bringing me food, sending cards, beer, cleaning my house, emails, flowers, cookies, fruit, gift cards, donations.......did I forget anything? :) You lifted my spirits completely. I mean what girl would not have a smile on their face when they get a box of beer?

I am off with the family this week for a much needed vacation. Thank you to Brian for taking care of the house and Sam & Bug.

Enjoy your weekend! And most of all.....have fun doing it!

XOXO-
B

"It's a Sunshine Day"

That's right mothertruckers. I brought out the Brady Bunch for this post. Why?

1) The Brady Bunch rules

2) And this bitch isn't going to have to endure chemo a second time



I met with Dr. Silverman today positive I was getting chemo. I have heard it all: your age, its in your node, etc. So was completely prepared for the worst case scenario. She came in. She showed me options. Then she wrote this:

Chemo: 2-5%

No Chemo: 4-7%


I looked at her then said, "Are you telling me basically chemo is giving me a 2% better chance of NOT getting cancer again?". "Yes", she answered. Well the decision was simple for me:

HELL TO THE NO

She agreed. Although she did say if I wanted chemo, by all means she would give it to me. I told her its just not worth the long term effects to me. She went on to explain that I needed to get the genetic testing(which I am scheduling tomorrow). If I test positive, they will remove my ovaries. If I test negative, they will put me in early menopause with a shot called Lupron. This will be a monthly shot for 3-5 years. It basically puts your ovaries to sleep.

So I made an appointment for next month to start the process of the Lupron shots. The testing can take awhile. So while I am waiting on that, the shots can begin. As I left the room, she said to me:

"I completely agree with your decision"

Thank you Dr. Silverman. You rock and you made me a very, very happy woman. I am beyond ecstatic. Most of you reading this have fortunately never endured chemo. Thank god. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Then you think not only how crappy you are going to feel, how horrible you will look, you think about how you will work? How much time off you will need? Sad that we have to think about these things in the United States of America.

I am off to celebrate----beer and wings. Just what the doctored ordered...kind of.


XOXO-
B

"Lost In My Mind"

Last night was one of those nights that I was thinking. It’s really the worst when you do this as you are about to go to sleep. Or at least try to go to sleep. I kept contemplating chemo. I do not know what Dr. Silverman is going to tell me tomorrow. I am about 99.9% sure she’s going to tell me I am getting chemo of some sort. Again, expecting the worst case scenario here. Everytime I get my hopes up, they come crashing down on me. So this time I am expecting the worst.

Then I started thinking, “What the hell is this chemo doing to me in the long run?”. I had this 4 years ago. I had double dose chemo. It was brutal. Surgery? That’s easy. Chemo? Not so much. And thinking about the long term effects of chemo on your organs? What is this doing to me exactly? I am 38 years old. Is this destroying my liver? My heart? Are they going to tell me in 10 years, “Ms. Terrigno, we are very sorry to tell you but your liver is severely damaged. We believe from the two chemo treatments you received in a 4 year span”.

Look, I know these doctors know more than I do. But I sometimes question, what really is going on here? Are they giving chemo because there really is no better option? It’s a billion dollar industry. Don’t believe me? Check out some of my bills from 2008. $13k shot for Neulasta. Of course covered by insurance, but really? And what if they found a cure for breast cancer? Think of the money that would be lost. And, honestly, that is the bottom line: MONEY.

It’s not like I am claiming some sort of conspiracy theory with my doctors. I think they are just recommending what they can because there are not better alternatives approved by the FDA. BUT, I really question things like:

1) 4 years ago I had chemo, how the fuck did I get breast cancer again? Wouldn’t those cells have been killed? And if not, why the hell did I go through all of that agony?
2) Why should I believe that IF I do go through it a second time, it’s not going to show up elsewhere?
3) What if this damages my organs? Then what?
4) What other options can you provide to me? Because, honestly, the statistics side of things has been complete bullshit for me.

I am sure most of you saw the article I posted on Facebook yesterday. But if not, check out this link below. This is what started me thinking about all of this:

http://news.yahoo.com/chemotherapy-backfire-boost-cancer-growth-study-105534535.html


I don’t need opinions. Just need you to think about it. Put yourself in my shoes. Trust me, they are not shoes you would want to wear. I am just asking you to look at both sides. There is no easy answer. Why? Because nothing is guaranteed. Well expect death and taxes.

Until tomorrow---

XOXO
B

"Back to Life"

Reality. I am not sure what mine is anymore but as the song says I am trying to get back to it. As the days pass since my surgery, the more and more I feel like myself. Today I will be headed to the gym for the first time since this all began at the end of May.

I was really on this great wave of working out before then. Getting to the gym 4-5 times a week. I felt really strong. No I wasnt skinny but I knew I was feeling stronger. Its amazing how much my body changed 4 years ago from the surgery and chemo. That being said, I think one of the things that really helped me this time around was the gym. I felt way stronger this time. Lifting weights on my upper body the past year REALLY helped me heal much more quickly this time.

So I am getting back to it tonight. No weights just yet. Just simply walking around the track. I wont be doing any weights until I am my incisions are completely, 100% healed. I am not risking anything. And regardless, I still dont have 100% range of motion in my left arm. Right now I am able to lift it straight above my head in a sitting position. However, while laying flat, I am not able to move it all the way up. I am at about 75%. SO its a slow, gradual process. Every morning and evening I go through my routine. Lay flat on the ground and pretend to make a snow angel, or 75% of one. :)

Wednesday is my oncologist visit to find out what treatment I will be having. I am at peace with this now. Look yes it sucks. Honestly, my biggest fear is losing my hair again. I mean how vain is that? But I would think 95% of you have no idea how that feels. Its not a good feeling to be walking around, as a female, being bald as an eagle. And I am not a wig wearer. Tried it and hated it. Its hot and itchy. Its not me. Give me a bandana any day of the week. But I worked hard to get this luxurious hair back. Fuck. I do not want to deal with this again. Yes I know its, "just hair". But I love my hair. Even more so now(Holllllla to Robyn!). I am HOPING that if I do have to have treatment MAYBE, just MAYBE, I will have chemo drugs that do no result in hair loss. I am okay with that.

But back to life...back to reality. You have to continue on. I am coming to work and keeping busy. You cant dwell on it. And I havent. I decided not to go to Support Group tomorrow. I have enough of the cancer thing for awhile. I dont want to re-hash the entire story. I am in a good place mentally right now. So rather than talk about it, I wrote an email that our group leader has graciously agreed to read. Maybe thats selfish but, honestly, I just need to walk away from this all for awhile. SO rather do that, Joanna and I are going to happy hour. Much, much better for me mentally............ ;)

I will update my blog Thursday when I know my treatment.

Enjoy your week & stay safe-

XOXO
B