"Suffering"

"Suffering" is a great song. And best song off of the Beautiful Girls soundtrack. My favorite soundtrack...ever.

I am pretty miserable right now. Saturday night was kind of the topper. I can't do this anymore. Not sleeping. It's not healthy. My plan is to call my oncology nurse today and see what they will prescribe me. I have tried the natural route with Melatonin and its not working. So if you want to do a weekend getaway, vacation, etc I will declining until this is under control.

I found this website that had people talking about Lupron. Glad to see I am not the only one who is suffering from the same side effects:

Lupron Devastated My Life

It probably sounds pretty dramatic to some of you. But I can't tell you how much it sucks to not be able to get through one night without waking up anywhere from 6-10 times. Then you get to work and you feel like you could literally fall asleep at your desk. After asking many people for advice, it just seems there is no answer. Many of the drugs like Ambien, have horrible side effects as well. Stuff like Effexor will help with hot flashes but may cause insomnia. I feel like I can not win. Then you hear how these drugs are so addictive. What the hell are you supposed to do? Suffer and deal or take the medication and better your life? There is no good answer.

I need to focus on me during this time. So if I start seeming distant that's why. I do not want to be around people for the most part. Cats yes. People.....no. I am not going to sit there and be fake. I just will not put myself in situations I do not want to be in. Its plain and simple.

I have surgery this Friday. I have to be down at UH by 5:45 which wont be an issue because God knows I wont be able to sleep anyways. Ironically, the most sleep I will be getting is probably when I am unconscious under anesthesia.

I know I sound like a whiny asshole. I know. I know. I know. But putting my words down in this blog is therapeutic for me in some ways. And if you don't like it, then don't read it. I am just being honest rather than not talk about things like most of you do.


XOXO
B