"Cheeseburger in Paradise"

So you are probably wondering what the hell this blog is going to be about. I was trying to think of a song with food in the title and seeing that I love Jimmy Buffett and cheeseburgers, well there you have it

Last night, Elise, Kim, Beth, Sue K, Sue H, and Jodi all came over to discuss details about my benefit, August 26th. Honestly, it's kind of weird to have all of your friends talking about all of the details while you sit there and just listen. I feel like I need to be doing something. I have the best friends. Trying to do something like this is a task in itself. And all of these people have their own lives. So Its truly humbling to have them bust their asses for you.

One of the things we discussed is food. We have some donations. However, many of you reading this have asked what you could do to help. So here is one massive thing you can do if you are coming to the benefit:

We need finger food/appetizers.

If you would like to bring something, please make a comment on this blog with your name and what you plan on bringing. That way there is not multiple people bringing the same thing. Also, please make sure you put it in a disposable container so we dont have to worry about returning dishes to the rightful owner. Do not worry about quantity. Make what you feel comfortable with.

If you want to make something that is more of an entree, please put it in a 1/2 hotel pan. We will be able to keep these warm in chaffing dishes.

I thank you in advance!

XOXO-
B

"Umbrella"

Ella.....Ella. I love Marie Digby's version waaaaaaay better than Rihanna's. And when you listen to the words and have the music done acoustically, you get a better feel for the lyrics.

"Now that its raining more than ever........."


The song really is about friendship and I have so many great ones.


I had a meltdown Wednesday night if you couldnt guess from my blog post. I literally lost my mind. I had one panic attack in my life and that was when I was diagnosed in 2008. I remember one night trying to sleep and I couldnt. And I started to think. And thinking is sometimes the worst thing you can do in times like this. I couldnt get my breath and next thing I know its 7 AM, I am sitting on a couch, and I can not breathe. Emergency room! Basically they diagnosed me with PTSD from my diagnosis. This time I could feel the panic setting in. And this time I was prepared. Helloooooo Xanax!

I wont apologize for ever being honest with my feelings in this journey. Some people want to be private and deal with things on their own. And thats all fine and dandy. However, I am not one of those people. I like to get my feelings out. Whether its on Facebook and/or through this blog. I say what I want and I dont have a filter at times. If you dont like it, well.......tough shit.

Yesterday was a better day for me. My parents picked me up at 1:30 and took me to see my plastic surgeon, Dr. Soltanian. Unfortunately, he didnt remove my drain. They like the fluid to be 30 cc's or less a day before they remove it. I was at 50 yesterday. Oh well....better safe then sorry, right? We got home about 3:30 and thats when Sue, my friend for 34 years, texted me and said she was heading over.

Sue, Patti, Karen and Kim all came over yesterday and it was just what I needed. We talked, I cried, and they offered advice and listened. Its never easy to be that vulnerable with people. But they are all fantastic people and offered great advice and great LASAGNA, Malleys Chocolates & gorgeous flowers!!! :) I wanted to thank all of you girls for being my friend and being there for me in a desperate time of need.

I am blessed with friends. You dont even know. When I look at the whirlwind of my life the past 2 weeks, its insane. I am going to need another benefit just for the stamps and thank you cards I am going to need to buy. I know I have tried to thank each one of you personally if you sent something. I hope I got to you all. If I didnt, I apologize. I will be doing Thank You cards at some point!

I am awaiting a call today, MAYBE, from my surgeon Dr Shenk. He might have an answer on what the board recommends moving forward for treatment. I am already banking on chemo. What kind? I dont know. How much? I dont know. Just preparing for the worst. Regardless, I have my appointment with my oncologist, Dr Silverman, on August 8th. This is when she will lay out everything for me. I know this probably sounds selfish to many of you but I am telling THEM when I want to start. This time its on my terms. I have my benefit August 26th, Labor Day weekend, and the Browns home opener September 9th. I dont want to start until the week of September 10th. I want to feel good for all 3 of those things. I have earned that right.

Have a GREAT weekend everyone! I will be taking it easy as I want this drain to come out Tuesday and I dont want to jeopardize that!

XOXO
B-

"Dont Cry For Me Argentina"

Note: I have taken 4 Xanax so I apologize in advance..........



The doctor called me tonight about 7:30. Stating what I knew he would, "they found a millimeter of cancer in the first lymph node". He seemed shocked at this since everything was within the duct. But this is how my luck goes. I have NOT ONCE got good news on any of these fronts. Not once. He explained that my case would go in front of the panel of doctors that look at your history and then make a recommendation based on that. I am here to tell you: CHEMO WILL BE RECOMMENDED. I know it.

After I hung up, I cried. I screamed. I yelled FUCK YOU to everyone. I would have broken everything in my house but seeing I have one useable arm and a drain in, I only kicked a box across the floor. I started to hyperventilate. AGAIN? You cant be fucking serious? Why did I go through chemo 4 years ago, only to probably have to go through it again? And what if I go through it AGAIN.........will it work?

My mom called. She knew immediately something was wrong. I lost it. I just lost it. It is impossible to tell you how demoralized I am. I have lost every ounce of HOPE I had. Maybe I should get my tattoo removed because you know what HOPE got me, absolutely FUCKING nothing. This is what it got me:

*A loss of 2 boobs
*Most likely two chemo sessions in 4 years
*Loss of all of my ability to think positive
*Loss of all of my self confidence.......what was left of it

And before anyone tries to tell me, "You know there are people that are worse off than you", I fucking KNOW this......OK? But I have the right to be pissed off at the world right now. I am pissed that I believed that for once in my life, maybe praying would work. And you know what I did today? I walked around with a fucking angel in my pocket. An angel a friend gave me. And did that work? You know that answer.

Broken, ruined, self-confidence thrown down the shitter, financially fucked and single..........just what any guy would want. Hey I have a great sense of humor though!

I am off to bed........maybe if I am lucky I will wake up and this will all have been one bad ass nightmare. I doubt it though.......

B-

"Fear"

You should watch that entire video. Especially starting at 1:45.....because her vocals are unreal and its my favorite Sarah song ever.

That being said...........


Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.


We all have fears. Some are of things like spiders, heights or midgets(sorry to all of my little people readers). My fear? Dying. Or maybe dying alone? I don't know. I thought when I got married it would be forever. It wasn't. It is what it is as they say. And honestly looking at it now, and his lack of even giving a shit about my current circumstance, I would rather die alone.

Relationships are never easy. They are challenging. And if they aren't, then you probably are in denial about yours. Add cancer into that equation and it's even more challenging. Obviously from a physical standpoint you wonder:

"Who is going to love me and my scars?"

Cancer doesn't define my life but it is a big part of it. And getting it twice, well, it sucks even more. I don't like dwelling on it or feeling sorry for myself. But when I do feel sorry for myself, I want someone who will feel sorry with me. Whos not going to be afraid to talk with me about it or listen to me bitch. I have the right to bitch. I have EARNED that.

Dating sucks in general. All of you single peeps know this. We have shared our horror stories. Now add cancer twice to the mix? Oi vey. That is another one of my fears: Trust. Putting myself out there, my baggage out there, only to get destroyed. I guess it's a chance you need to take. Because if you don't take chances then what's the point, right?



I bet you weren't expecting a little Abba there did ya? You can thank me later.


Until later-
XOXO
B-

"The Sun Will Rise" Part Deux

I am not sure a song fits my journey more than Kelly Clarkson's, The Sun Will Rise. I originally posted the video in my very first blog post. But I figured, why not again? The song means alot to me and it really just summarizes everything up for me.

So I have been a little preoccupied since my last post as most of you know. I had surgery on Wednesday, July 18th. My parents and I arrived downtown at UH about 6:30 AM. I went to registration and from there I went to the Breen Breast Pavillion to get my sentinel nodes injected. Essentially this is done so they can find your lymph nodes. After that, we headed to Mather Pavilion to check in for surgery. I was not scheduled until around 10:30 so we had about 2 hours to kill.

UGH. This is not what I wanted to hear. If you know anything about me, nerves and I do not mesh. I usually end up with my head in the toliet vomiting because I am so nervous. But this time it was weird. I sat in a sitting area with my parents and we chatted. I wasnt overly nervous at all. Finally, around 10:30 I got buzzed that they were ready for me. I was taken by the nurse to the pre-op holding area where you get changed and given a bed so they can get you ready for surgery. Again, no nerves at all. Odd I thought.

My parents were brought back to me and doctors came in and out asking questions and getting my IV ready. My brother, Brett showed up and then FINALLY about 11:30 they were ready to wheel me in. I said goodbye to my parents and taken into the operating room. There is seriously like 10 people coming at you and then next thing you know, you are in the recovery room.

I woke up and saw a clock and I think it was like 6:30 PM. As I came out of anesthesia, they gave me some ice chips, and then took me to my room at Seidman Cancer Center. I had a nice room overlooking a new hotel they are putting up at UH. The nurses and I joked that there would be some hot construction guys to wake up to in the morning :)

My parents came in and stayed with me until about 8:30. Then as they left I thought, "Shit I am allll alone in here". That was weird. No husband or boyfriend to sleep in the room with me. Nobody. ALthough I knew I wasnt alone, in that moment, I was very alone. I grabbed the remote and found me some Bravo. This made the pain more tolerable although when I was watching Andy Cohen and laughing, it hurt! I finally shut the tv off about 11:30 and tried to get some sleep.

I was in and out of consciousness all night. Between doctors visiting and nurses checking in on you, I probably slept for a total of 2 hours. I woke up around 7 AM and looked over to see construction workers. One with a Browns hard top construction helmet on. My dream man! :) My doctors came in around 9:00 and informed me everything looked great and I would be discharged. Finally, around 11:30 AM my nurse said all of the paperwork was done and I could call my parents to come and get me. So around 12:30, Fred and Sandy showed up and picked me up. We headed home and I was starving. So my dad dopped us off then went to get my meds and Subway for us. It was delicious.

By Friday I was showering on my own and noticing my left arm had a ton more mobility than when I had surgery 4 years ago on right side. Maybe it was because I had been through it before and knew what to expect? And/or maybe survior instincts kicked in. I dont know. But I do know I feel a shitload better than last time.

Dr Shenk removed 2 lymph nodes and didnt "see anything that looked suspicious" but they would have path results back by mid this coming week. Fingers crossed. If I can get ove that hurdle, the rest is smooth sailing.

Anyways, that is where I stand now. I am very tired so I am going to head to bed for a nap.....will type more later!

XOXO
B-

"Time"

Chantal Kreviazuk - Time

From the album - What If It All Means Something. (2002)


Lyrics:

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
I'm down I'm down on my knees I'm begging for all your sympathy
But you (I'm just an illusion) you don't seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
So wait for me this time
I should've know better
I shouldn't have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time



I think this song speaks for itself. Never waste time.......always live your life to the fullest and never live with regrets

XOXO-
Barra

"Thank You"

Is there really a better song to thank all of you for your kind words, cards, gifts, etc? Me thinks not. So for everyone who has reached out, offered help, offered advice, etc......I truly "Thank You". I am very lucky to have a great support group. Many people do not have that as sad as it is. I have heard the stories. I am fortunate.

We are 48 hours away from surgery. People have asked me if I am nervous. It would be a lie to tell you I am not. However, I have a great deal of confidence in my doctors. I mean, you better, right? Hey they got it right the first time they will get it right the second. At least now my boobs will completely match :)

I had a fantastic weekend. Friday we went up to Gunselmans for the Fairview Summer Fest. The annual parade down Lorain in which they throw out candy to the kids. It was so great to see everyone. Saturday I went to my nephews game. I had said to my brother that every game I have been to so far(maybe 4 or so) Aidan really hasnt hit the ball....and he can hit. Wouldnt you know it he ripped a triple down the left field line. I was loving it. Screaming and yelling. Yes I am THAT Aunt. Very proud moment. He did everything his coached taught him to do. "Do not watch the ball-watch your third base coach". Very proud moment and I was fortunate to be able to see that.

After the game, I picked up Brian and we headed down to Sarah's Vineyard in Cuyahoga Falls. I wanted to try something different and figured, why the hell not? So glad we did. Great winery and great atmosphere. Alex ended up meeting us which was nice. I havent see her all that much lately so it was great to catch up, talk and mostly laugh. I got a horrible sunburn too. It was cloudy and yet I still manage to burn like hell! Oh well...totally worth it. After the winery, we said our goodbyes to Alex and wanted to go grab some food. Brian mentioned Whiteys Booze & Burgers. Put it in the good 'ol GPS and found it. Only 4 miles away! And let me tell you it was FANTASTIC. One of the best burgers I have ever had!

Sunday I got up early as Lisa was coming over at 7:30 to help me clean. I wanted to get the house spotless. I cleaned from 7:30-11:30, took a shower, & then headed to Joanna's to see her new kitten Gus. My cat Sam LOVES shaky mice. So he was nice enough to share one of his from his pack to give to Gus and Gus loved it. Too cute! After that I went to get my hair done by Robyn. She offered to do it as her gift to me which was truly awesome. I feel alot better and at least my hair will look good after surgery :)

After that, I headed home and the Zellmer's came over to drop of their cozy recliner. This is a blessing because I dont have one and I needed something to sleep in the next 2 weeks. Fortunately, they had one and were nice enough to let me borrow it. I rearranged the furniture in the family room and now I have a nice cozy spot for my ass. I will be watching alot of DVD's, trash tv and sleeping for the most part. So thank you to Lisa and Eric. Oh and thanks to T-Bone for locking my shutters so nobody takes me at night ;)

Tonight is my last night out for awhile. Kim and I are going to dinner at Fatheads, heading to Gunselmans for a few drinks, then Sue is coming over for the second part of the Real Housewives of the OC reunion. It will be a nice end to a fun past month. Tomorrow I plan on working all day, finishing a few things up around the house and relaxing since I have to be up at 4:45 on Wednesday.

Again, if anyone wants updates on Wednesday, check with my brother Brett on Facebook. If you email him, he can let you know whats going on as he will be at hospital with my parents.

Have a great week everyone!

XOXO-
B

"No Bad News"

I decided I need to start doing some different with my blog titles. They are boring and I always have a hard time thinking of something creative. So that being said, I will steal from Greys Anatomy and name my blogs song titles. And those song titles will be based on how I am feeling that particular day. So for today its, "No Bad News" by the one and only........Patty Griffin.



So no whining, bitching or complaining today. I am sure it can get annoying to read that in every post. But oh well...cant help how I feel on certain days. And I sure as hell am not going to go through my life with a shit ass grin on my face, acting like everything is fine when deep down inside I am breaking apart. Some of you can do that. I am not one of those people...if you havent noticed.

If anyone needs me I will be at Momocho tonight shoving my piehole full of scallops, guacamole and margaritas.

Word-

XOXO
B-

One Week

7 days, or 168 hours, or 10,008 minutes....... or 604,800 seconds until its over.

I have to tell you my biggest fear right now is the biopsy results on my lymph nodes. I know its early. I know they dont "THINK" the cancer has gone there but too many times I have heard the same shit only to get bad news. And please do not tell me I need to think "positive thoughts". Thats all unicorns, rainbows and....quite honestly bullshit. Thinking positive does NOT guarantee you positive results. I have done this...look where I am.

THAT being said, right now I am struggling with the reality that IF its in my nodes I will need chemo again. I cant even fathom this option right now. I cant even begin to mentally go there. Because if I do, someone is going to be talking me down from a very high ledge. I am not even kidding.

My parents and my brother, Brett, will be at the hospital Wednesday. If you are wanting updates, its probably best to contact Brett via Facebook. My parents are not, shall we say, tech savvy. :)

Right now I have been just keeping busy. Go to work then go out. Even if it means going to Gunselmans for some KENO(Yes Sarah.....I am addicted.) and some beers. It keeps my mind from wandering. From thinking bad thoughts. If I stay at home, I start thinking too much:

What if its worse than they thought?
What if I die? Whos going to take care of Sam & Bug?

On the flip side, I am looking forward to the next week only because I will be spending it with people who want to spend it with me. I have some dinner plans with friends tonight and tomorrow. Friday is the beginning of Fairview Home Days. So going up to Gunselmans for the parade and FREE WIENERS!! Saturday I am going to Aidans game then heading down to Sarahs Winery down in Cuyahoga Falls(assuming no bad weather.

Sunday, Lisa and I are going to clean my house top to bottom. So shout out to Ms Zellmer. You have been awesome and I truly thank you for helping me out!! Her and Eric are also letting me borrow their recliner which my fat ass will be living and sleeping in for two weeks. A bed is not even possible the first two weeks. Next time you get up from laying down---think about how you use your chest muscle to get up. You probably have no idea that you even do. Well I can tell you, you do. And when they are disturbed by a major surgery, it hurts like a son of a bitch. So recliner is the best thing on the planet to have.

Until next time peeps.......

XOXO
B-

Miss me?

I know , I know, I havent wrote a blog for a bit. I started to and I deleted it. Writing blogs while you are pissed off at the world is good but then you look back on it wonder if its worth publishing it. So I decided not to. Many people told me I should just go ahead and do it but I am not going to.

This is what I know from those words, YOU arent worth my time. YOU weren't there for me then and you aren't there for me now. So go on with your life. I deserve better. I will get better. And remember: I never forget.

And yes I know as you read that you are probably thinking, "Is she talking about ______?" That is for me to know and you to never find out. I don't have the time nor the energy to waste on people who dont give an apparent shit about me. So what I have decided to do is focus on the ones who do. The strangers who reached out to me in a time of need, the friends who honestly care and family who have told me, "You said you feel like you are alone....honey you are never alone."

I did recently get a nice email from an old friend. It was so great to hear from her. I miss her. I miss us. I hope she is reading this. I hope I see you once again.

The countdown to surgery is in less than 2 weeks. Started to get nervous. I dont have any clue who or when people can help me. I know my mom is going to help me a few days after but she will also have to work. I am more worried about my drains then anything. Not sure I can take care of them myself. I need to scrub this house down from top to bottom the weekend before because god only knows when I will be able to clean it again. Its just so much.......its overwhelming.

Sounds like the fundraiser is coming together. If ANYONE wants to help with gift baskets or knows of anyone that can donate items for one, PLEASE contact me. I will put you in touch with one of the girls heading this up. You can private message me on Facebook. Also, if you havent RSVP'd to the Event on Facebook, please do so we somewhat have an idea of how many people are coming.

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay cool and stay hydrated!

XOXO-
B