Wednesday, July 25, 2012
"Dont Cry For Me Argentina"
Note: I have taken 4 Xanax so I apologize in advance..........
The doctor called me tonight about 7:30. Stating what I knew he would, "they found a millimeter of cancer in the first lymph node". He seemed shocked at this since everything was within the duct. But this is how my luck goes. I have NOT ONCE got good news on any of these fronts. Not once. He explained that my case would go in front of the panel of doctors that look at your history and then make a recommendation based on that. I am here to tell you: CHEMO WILL BE RECOMMENDED. I know it.
After I hung up, I cried. I screamed. I yelled FUCK YOU to everyone. I would have broken everything in my house but seeing I have one useable arm and a drain in, I only kicked a box across the floor. I started to hyperventilate. AGAIN? You cant be fucking serious? Why did I go through chemo 4 years ago, only to probably have to go through it again? And what if I go through it AGAIN.........will it work?
My mom called. She knew immediately something was wrong. I lost it. I just lost it. It is impossible to tell you how demoralized I am. I have lost every ounce of HOPE I had. Maybe I should get my tattoo removed because you know what HOPE got me, absolutely FUCKING nothing. This is what it got me:
*A loss of 2 boobs
*Most likely two chemo sessions in 4 years
*Loss of all of my ability to think positive
*Loss of all of my self confidence.......what was left of it
And before anyone tries to tell me, "You know there are people that are worse off than you", I fucking KNOW this......OK? But I have the right to be pissed off at the world right now. I am pissed that I believed that for once in my life, maybe praying would work. And you know what I did today? I walked around with a fucking angel in my pocket. An angel a friend gave me. And did that work? You know that answer.
Broken, ruined, self-confidence thrown down the shitter, financially fucked and single..........just what any guy would want. Hey I have a great sense of humor though!
I am off to bed........maybe if I am lucky I will wake up and this will all have been one bad ass nightmare. I doubt it though.......
B-
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Barra, I am so sad you feel so defeated. You are so strong and who knows what would have been the outcome had you not had that first round of chemo. You must stay strong and keep moving forward and BELIEVING that everything will be great. I think it is wonderful that you prayed. Keep praying and find peace. It is the ONLY thing you can do. It is the only thing that is certain. Belief and peace. Take the medicine or whatever they decide and be so very thankful that you have the option to do it. I know it's hard to hear things like this when you are where you are but you must overcome the anger. I know you can do it Barra. Please stay strong and please call me or message me anytime. I love you. xo -Joanne
ReplyDeleteYou are right Barra... Being broken, ruined, your self confidence down the shitter, financial fucked and single sucks... Have breast cancer twice sucks, having to have chemo twice sucks even more... Cry, kick, scream, yell... Whatever makes you feel better - do it. You are allowed. Pray, don't pray, carry and angel in your pocket, don't carry it, it all sucks. You got shit on, bad. You don't have to be positive ALL THE TIME. You dont have to be nice or be funny or be polite, or sensored, or strong ALL THE TIME. Sometimes you just need to be PISSED! But sooner or later being pissed isn't gonna be enough, it's not going to be "you"... You won't tolerated being broken. You wouldn't let someone else break you, and you won't let cancer or a fucking milimeter of it break you completely or forever. But right now, it's ok to be broken. You won't stay ruined, because you know you are more than just a couple of boobs, more than a node or two... YOU ARE MORE THAN CANCER. But right now, it's ok to be ruined. Your friends won't let your self confidence stay in the shitter, nor will you. You aren't the mopping around, "I can't do it" kind of person. But it's ok to have your self confidence in the shitter right now. Your financial shit always exists, in one way or another. Right now it's medical bills, Next month, next year, whatever could be car trouble, new tires, a new roof for the house etc etc. But the Dr.s and hospital and insurance etc can get paid when you can pay it. Being single can suck too... But being single is better than being in a relationship or marriage that ssucks worse with no friends. You won't be single forever. Right now, that's ok too, cuz you have LOTS of friends! So, for today, tonight, tomorrow, or however long you need to, be pissed, be angry, kick some shit around, and yell FUCK YOU to everyone you want, because right now, that's more than ok too! I'm fucking pissed too... Right there with ya!
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