"Where'd You Go"?

Long time no see everyone. Sorry I have been so MIA lately with this blog. I promise I will be better in the new year. So what is going on in the life of Barra lately? Well let’s see………

As far as my health goes, everything is going well. I had my last Lupron shot on October 3rd. And now will have my ovaries removed on December 19th. Since I have had breast cancer twice at such a young age, I am higher risk for ovarian cancer. This is more of a preventative measure. Many people have asked me how I feel about the surgery considering it completely ends any chance of me having my own children naturally. Last week I was sitting at the gym working on crunches and I stopped to think about it. How final it is. How it means there are no children in my future. It made me cry. But I do not regret my decision. My reality is I am 40. A pregnancy right now would be deemed very high risk anyways for a “normal” 40 year old let alone someone who has had the health issues I have had.

It is something that I have come to terms with—not having kids. I know I joke around a lot that kids are a pain in the ass and very expensive. And well…they are. My only concern is me getting to the age of 50 and having regrets of not having them. But then I think to myself even IF I wanted one right this second, how would I even do it? I can’t afford any of the options and that is the sad reality. I remember one time during our counseling sessions, my ex husband said something to me, “Maybe if we would have had kids things would be different”. That always bothered me that he made that comment. As if having kids would have changed the issues we were having in the first place? Hell no. All I kept thinking to myself was, “Thank god we didn’t have them because I don’t know how I would have done it living on my own and one income”. Hell I don’t know how any of you do it with two incomes. I know I probably would be living with my parents right now for sure. And right now I am battling medical bills again from the ultrasound. I swear I can never get or will get out of this debt. And the sad thing is: I HAVE INSURANCE.

All that being said, I am very fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. So if they are my alternative to children I will gladly take it. They say things happen for a reason. I am not sure what the reasoning is as to why my path was to get cancer twice, go through a divorce and never have kids. But maybe it just wasn’t supposed to happen for me just….because. Maybe there isnt a reason. Maybe its just sheer shitty luck?

That’s ok. I have a great guy in my life now. I am happier than I ever been. It is nice to be with someone who wants to have fun, likes to hang out with me, shares similar interests, and I guess just lets me be me, even when I am crazy yelling at the tv watching the Browns. I can not predict the future nor do I want to but lets just say I am happy where things are and see a great road together. For that alone, I hit the jackpot.

"Realize"

Sometimes things are in front of you face the entire time but you are too blind to see it. It may be because you have your attention turned to other aspects in your life. In my case it was my health. I had to put myself first and I couldn't mentally be there for someone when I was battling my fears, frustrations and my low self esteem. When you come to terms with those issues, the clouds part, the rainbows come out, and the birds sing. Ok no they really don't but you get my drift. You FINALLY realize what you have.

So what do I have? I am sure many of you could or have put two and two together. Brian and I have decided to start dating. It seems like a no brainer to me now but before it just was not possible for various reasons. After a brutal support group one night in June, I walked out of there thinking I am fortunate to be on this planet alive. What the fuck am I doing? I cried the whole way home. The stories I heard that night hit me so very hard. Women who were probably going to die soon. We did, in fact, lose one of our members not too long after that meeting which even made me think harder about my life and what was missing from it. Here I am. I beat cancer not once but twice. So I decided right then and there, I need to take a chance and see if Brian would be interested in trying to date.

Brian and I have always had a connection. I trust very few people in my life. I know I can always count on him. One of the things I completely love about him is his kindness and his courtesy. It may seem small but one morning after I made us breakfast, he went and cleaned the dishes. Listen up men: You need to take notes. Our time together is always fun. We laugh alot. And he treats me with nothing but respect. He is always willing to do things. We have alot in common and did I mention we laugh alot? Oh and Sam completely loves him(Bug is just a weirdo and hides from everyone).

I am so happy at where we are. Where it will lead I do not know but I am glad I finally woke up and took a chance. You only have one life on this planet. When you are too worried about what everyone else is thinking, time flies by and before you know it, you are alone. I dont want to be alone. I want to be loved. I want to grow old with someone.

Next week I turn 40. Yes 40. I feel good about it though. I am feeling healthy, working out 4-5 days a week, taking on a new side job working with Social Media for Gunselman's, which I am hoping will transpire into a second career (Blog on that to follow soon!), and now I have Brian in my life. I am blessed. Truly blessed.

If there is one thing I would tell you all that are reading this is you should never settle. You shouldn't be in a relationship you are unhappy in. You shouldn't keep people(friends, family, etc) around in your life that do not give you the same return on investment that you give them. Life is too short. Life can be over in a second. Don't live your life thinking "I should have done that" or "I wish I would have tried that". You need to put yourself first. You need to put your happiness first. You need to do what you need to do.

I know I have not been blogging as much but I do not like to write to fill space. I only write when I truly have something to say or I am passionate about an issue. Well finally I have something to be passionate about. :)

XOXO-
B

Kiss my ass Roger Goodell

So I am going to veer off course a bit and vent about this new NFL rule that the geniuses at the No Fun League(AKA NFL) have decided to come up with. NO PURSES.

This is of course supposed to keep us safer in all NFL stadiums in light of the Boston marathon bombing. I am not going to make light of that situation. We all know it was horrible. But to now tell women they have the option of shoving all of their shit into their pockets or in some shitty ass clear bag is ridiculous. Mind you the NFL sells these lovely novelties at their Pro Shop online for a mere $10. Aint it perrrrty?



Oh but wait it gets better. Based on the guidelines, if you DO bring a purse in, it can be no bigger than 4.5 inches by 6.5. Are you ready for this one? Below is a picture of my hand next to my Browns bag that I own. Now granted I have big hands, but this bag is deemed TOO LARGE to bring into the stadium(its 6 inches wide by 8 inches high!)



So picture it: your keys, ID, tampons, phone, & money all on display for everyone to see. Roger Goodell must not give two shits about the safety of his female fans. Where is one going to put this sweet, clear bag when they stand up to cheer their team on? Oh wait this is the Browns we are talking about. We get in trouble when we stand at games. And who are we kidding? There hasn't been anything to cheer about since 1985. But seriously, if I am at the game and I happen to get up to cheer with the bag left on my chair or on the ground, whos to say people arent eyeing my stuff? I always bring a purse to games that I can carry across my body. Nothing big--nothing huge. But I feel safer knowing my purse is attached to me. Mark my word, you are going to hear about many women getting their shit stolen because of this new rule.

Are we REALLY safer with not allowing women to bring purses in? The MLB doesnt do it(yet), the NBA doesnt do it(yet), you can go to Cedar Point with thousands and thousands of people with a purse, you can fly on an airplane with a purse after screening. What was wrong with having bags checked like we have for years and years to enter the stadium? Are your security people really that incompetent?

Does the NFL think they can completely just be blatantly sexist? Arent the people getting in trouble for this sort of behavior almost all men. Can someone name me the most recent female bomber in the United States? Thats not to say, by any means, it could never happen but how are you going to sit there and tell my purse is a far bigger threat then the drunken idiots you allow into your gates every Sunday? Or the NFL players that continue to get into trouble for domestic violence, drugs and even murder? Seems to me you may want to spend more time screening your players than worrying about little ol' me and my Coach purse. Am I REALLY going to believe that Jimmy Haslams wife is going to be carrying around a clear plastic purse inside First Energy Stadium? Bitch please.

Well I gotta go---I have to get back to the kitchen, do some laundry, and keep my mouth shut----right Roger?

"Sand & Water"

I dont know how anybody listens to "Sand & Water" and doesnt cry. The song is about the singer/songwriter, Beth Nielsen Chapman's, loss of her husband, Ernest, to cancer. I remember hearing this song when my aunt died of breast cancer and it just has always stuck with me. Beth is a also a breast cancer survivor.


Wednesday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed away from breast cancer on July 7th. Sharon was a woman who I met at the Gathering Place at my Young Women with Breast Cancer support group. Sharon was from England and I always admired her spunk. She told you like it was. No bullshit. No nonsense. Just honest. It made me laugh how she would swear in her accent but she did it in a way that was so nice. I was saddened to hear the news of her passing. Shocked actually.

Sitting in the memorial Wednesday, I looked at her family. Her daughter is 4 and her son is 6. I watched them. And I thought, "They are just too young to be living without their mother". As the pictures of her family scrolled on the screen, I watched intently. What I learned from those pictures was how much love she had for her family. How she lived every day like it would be her last. Sharons diagnosis was not good. She knew this. So she made the most out of her last days on this earth. I admire that in her.

Listening to David give a eulogy on Sharon was beautiful. The love these two shared was obvious. But it was also heartbreaking to hear. It makes you think about your life. What would people say about me if I died? Would people have positive things to say about me? Did I do enough in this world to warrant respect?

Below is a poem by David Harkins that was read at the service. I have never heard it before but I thought it was just simply beautiful:


She Is Gone


You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.





I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be safe, enjoy your friends & family and do so with a smile on your face.

XOXO
B

"Feeling Good"

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine was super busy and fantastic. It started off on Wednesday. I had 2 doctor appointments that day. My first one was with Dr Zanotti who is now my new OBGYN. This is where the guys should be warned:




This is where I talk about girly things so either bypass this paragraph or keep on reading I wanted to discuss with her my options of either a hysterectomy(removing all of my girly parts) or an oophorectomy(removal of just the ovaries). The reason is because breast cancer is linked to ovarian cancer. My doctor explained to me that while she would do a hyserectomy on me, there was no link between uterine cancer and breast cancer. Also, one of the possible things that can happen to you if you have a hyserectomy is that your bladder can drop. Ummm excuse me? That being said I am opting for the oophorectomy which will be December 19th. It is a relatively easy surgery. I will be taking off December 19th until January 2nd though. I figure that gives me more than enough time for recovery.


My second appointment was immmediately after with Marla who is my onco nurse. Good news is I am 6 pounds down in a month plus blood pressure was down. At first I was a little upset, I felt for sure it was more. But to be fair, I had not weighed myself since April so it very well could be more. I did not change my diet and exercise habits until June 1. That being said I was still happy with my progress. I also had my second to last shot. My last shot will be October 3rd and no more are needed since I will be having my ovaries removed. I have been asked am I okay with that considering that means I will never be able to have children and truthfully I am. Look, kids apparently were never in my cards. I am almost 40 and have dealt with more health issues in my 39 years than many people who are twice my age. I am lucky to be even typing this blog. I am fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. What more can I ask for?

Speaking of my nephew, I took him for his "Fun Day" on Friday. We got the Cleveland Natural History Museum as there is a shark exhibit there and my nephew really is interested in sharks(thanks to me and my brothers fascination with the best movie ever.. "Jaws").




He enjoyed the exhibit and really liked the live animals that they have outside(everything from a fox, bobcat, bald eagle, etc). Which there was a funny conversation in the animal exhibit. We were walking around and there was a cutout of a bison behind us:

Aidan: "Oh my god I thought that was real!"

Me: "Good thing its not. I run slow!"

Aidan: "You do? I run slower than Jason Giambi!"


I dont know where this kid comes up with this stuff but it cracked me up. And Indians fans will understand that dialogue! After that I took him to Paninis for lunch where he scarfed down some cheesey bacon fries and some pizza. This is when he told me he was saving room for dessert as Friendlys was on our way back home. We stopped at Friendlys and the kid polished off about 75% of a 3 scoop ice cream sundae. All in all it was a great day and alot of fun. I really cherish moments like this as the kids are growing up so fast!

I hope everyone had a fantastic 4th. Life is great!

XOXO-
B

"Fat Bottomed Girls"

I am feeling good. Really good. Changing my lifestyle was a blessing. Look I am an emotional eater. And seeing that my life was basically hell the past 5 years, I always turned to food to comfort me. Add onto that chemo, steroids, Lupron and not moving your ass you gain weight. I finally just got sick of it and decided I needed to do something. And I refuse to do something that is going to cost me money, like Weight Watchers. I dont think you should have to pay someone to tell you that you need to change your diet. I know it works for alot of people. But I just think that you cant rely on something like that forever. Is it a great starting point? Sure. But lifetime member? I dont think so.

So one day I decided---how am I going to change this? What are my weaknesses? #1 weakeness...Carbs.







I looked at what I was eating at home and at work. I knew what needed to be changed. I had to remove all of these as much as possible from both places since this is where I spend 90% of my time. I replaced them with proteins. I replaced them with veggies. Anything but sugar, starches, etc. I stopped those high sodium loaded "Lean" Cuisines and replaced them with salads full of veggies and grilled chicken. Now this is not to say I dont eat carbs at all. Come on....thats crazy. Last time I checked, beer is full of carbs. That being said, Gunselmans has been seeing less of me. I am trying to limit myself to weekends only.

Another great tool, if you are looking to lose some weight is the 'My Fitness Pal" app. I strongly urge you to get this to keep track of your calories. It is fantastic. What is really cool is you can scan your food items via the bar code on the package and it will give you the calorie count. What I also really enjoy is it takes into consideration your exercise time. So if you work out for an hour, it gives you extra calories for the day since you burned off a said amount from that workout. I am on a 1,200 calorie diet. Some people have asked me if I am hungry and truthfully I am not. The first two weeks were tough. I wont lie. But once you get through that initial two weeks, it is pretty simple. You figure out what you can have and what you cant have and coordinate your meals. I eat alot of chicken, tilapia and veggies. I also am far more aware of calorie counts from that app.

Again, I do not weigh myself. I find that such a hinderance for me when I am trying to lose weight. Like I said, I am an emotional eater. If I do not lose weight and get frustrated, I might reach for a bag of chips to cope. So I base my weight loss on how I am feeling and how my clothes fit. And I can tell you they are getting looser. I will get weighed at my oncologist appointment on Wednesday so I will see the results. I am crossing my fingers that I see some great results.

That all being said I am doing very well right now healthwise. I also have my appointment next week with my new OBGYN to discuss my hysterectomy at then end of the year. That will remove my chances for any girl part cancers. Also will mean I can get off of this horrible Lupron. I am sure that will help in my weight loss too once I am off of this. other than that I am feeling really good and am so happy to get all of that cancer bullshit past me.

Have a great weekend everyone and an awesome 4th of July!

XOXO-
B

"Rain"

Perfect song on a gloomy day like this........seriously I am wearing a Toledo hoodie in June people!


I havent posted much lately. Mostly because, believe it or not, I havent had too much to say. So this blog is just going to be an update of where I am at right now physically and mentally.

In about a month, I have my first appointment with my new OBGYN who I will discuss my hysterectomy with with her, go over my options and, hopefully, schedule something for December. Once this is done, fingers crossed, this will be the last of my surgeries for a long ass time. I am scheduled for a shot of Lupron in July then my last one would be in October. I am really just looking forward to being done with all of this shit to be honest.

This past week I went to my support group at the Gathering Place for the first time in a few months. It is tough to go at times. Sometimes I just need to walk away from the stories but then I feel bad if I dont go. This past one was very difficult. So many horrible stories to hear. One that stuck with me was the girl who was a leukemia survivor but was in heart failure from her chemo. She then finds out she has breast cancer. The story affected me greatly. It made me question many things. People in my life. Religion. Everything.

I am not a religious person by any means. And if you are reading this and you are thats fine. I just have a hard time believing that "God" would continue to allow some of the crap I see. Has this poor girl not been through enough? I do not want this blog post to be some religious bashing or become an argument. I just have a hard time believing that God allowed Ariel Castro to torture, beat, and rape 3 women for 10 years and then gives cancer TWICE to people who are good people. Nobody can explain to me why this would be allowed. And even if you think you can justify that, please save your breath. There is nothing you can say that will justify that ever to me.

Completely on another topic, I started a low carb/high protein diet. I hate to say NO CARBS because its just not realistic. I am not eating any carbs for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Howevever, if I go out I will have them. I figure that if I can be good at home and at work, that is a winning battle in itself. I do feel a difference the past 2 weeks. My challenge is at home at night. I love chips, popcorn, etc. I just can not have them in my house. So its been sugar free fudgescicles or ricotta cremes(YUMMY!). So far so good!! I do not weigh myself because I will obsessed with it. Then I get pissed at the damn scale and eat everything in sight. I am totally an emotional eater. So dont ask me how much weight I have lost. I wont know. I will just know by the way my clothes feel.

Hmm what else? Vacation to South Carolina with the familia is in August. Really looking foward to that. Beach, sun, laughs and beer. Then in October will be Vega$. We got our Buffett tix at the MGM Grand and I am really looking forward to celebrating my 40th(a little late but thats ok!). Other than that, I am just kicking back and enjoying my summer. This summer wont be ruined from cancer!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO
B

"Teach Your Children"

So this is going to be one of those random blog posts where I have some random thoughts floating around in my noggin':

1) I never wrote anything about the Boston Bombing. I didnt want to be reactionary. I think, in this day and age, it is so easy to do that. I do not want to give the bombers anymore recognition than they already have received. However, I will say I am not sure how you stop something like this. I think one of the things we all need to do is be more aware of our surroundings. I am not blaming anyone here, just saying that if you see something you think is suspicious report it. I think too often we have people that just do not pay attention to obvious signs that someone is up to no good. Maybe its my previous retail work experience but I could tell you that 95% of the time when I thought someone was stealing from us, they were. Its gut instinct. Someone looks at you one way---you just know they are doing something wrong. I know I will be far more cautious in crowds. Looking people up and down. I will be far more vigilant in my neighborhood(yes I am speaking to you punk ass neighbor kid. If you think you are going to be shooting bb guns in your back yard, you have another thing coming....like the police at your front door.)

2) And while we are on the topic of kids.......what the hell is going on in this country with parents who have no clue where the hell their kids are? Recently, in North Olmsted, there was a 15 year old who was ran over by a hit and run driver at 11:30 PM on a Thursday night. Now I am not blaming this kid for being hit. But I am wondering...



Look we dont know the whole story. Maybe this kid snuck out but what is with parents these days? Recently I was at the gym and I was leaving while this kid(maybe 12?) was on the phone with his mom. He was begging her to let him go with his friends, down the street to the Circle K! The Circle K from the gym is almost a mile from the gym! As he left with his friends, I got into my car and waited at the light. I watched as 4 12 year old boys played chicken across Lorain Rd almost getting hit by traffic. Again......why is mom allowing him to go there?

And yes I KNOW I DONT HAVE KIDS. But jesus christ and a cracker, can you parents please start putting some restrictions on your children. You are not benefiting them by allowing them to do everything and giving them everything they ask for. It is okay to say:




3) Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, & Michelle Knight. 3 names the entire country knows about now. When I got a text from Brian that they found these girls, I think my jaw hit the floor. If you are from Cleveland, you should have heard Amanda Berry and/or Gina DeJesus' names at least once. We all know the story. I won't rehash it here. It's quite mind boggling and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. This much I do know though. We all failed these women. For someone to be able to hide these 3 away for 10 years is unacceptable to me. I keep hearing excuses about it being a bad neighborhood and people dont rat on each other, its normal for houses to look like that, yada yada yada.

Look--- until we, as a society, wake the fuck up and pay more attention to our surroundings, then shit like this will happen. If you see something out of the ordinary, report it to the police. If the police dont come, you call them again. Stop turning the other cheek. Shove into your childrens brains that they SHOULD NOT EVER....EVER get into a car with anyone other than a family member. I am not blaming these girls but again we are all too lax when it comes to people. We all need to have our guards up. We all need to start paying more attention to our surroundings and not our cell phones. When you walk around your neighborhoods, take a look at the homes. I bet you never really thought to do that until now. It is amazing what you might see now that you're paying closer attention. If those neighbors would have done that on Seymour Avenue, these girls may have been saved much sooner.


Peace and love.......peace and love(thank you Ringo Starr)


XOXO
B

"These Are The Days"

I borrowed this from one of the "Notes" I wrote on Facebook 4 years ago. But hanging with Jan this past weekend reminded me of how great of a time I had in college in Toledo and how awesome the people I met in those 4 years are.

Monday, January 26, 2009 at 9:52am

Hanging out with my old friends from college and seeing the University of Toledo this past weekend sure brought back some great memories. It kind of makes me sad in a way to think about it. I think about how easy life was when you were in college. Your biggest worry being taking exams, getting decent enough grades, and how the hell you were going to sneak in to The Stein being underage.

College life for me was simply fun. I met so many amazing people. Mostly through my sorority: Gamma Delta Xi. And really I never would have if it werent for Heather. We were freshmen and living in Carter West. I was very anti sorority. Not my scene. Heather saw some flier they put up in our dorm for a Gamma Delta Xi rush. She wanted to go and asked me to go. "No way", I told her. She asked me just to go one night with her...so I said I would but I wasnt happy about it

I remember going to the rush event and we were sitting a a big table of about 15-20 girls or so. They made us play this stupid name game. For example, you would have to say your name and say an animal that started with the first letter in your name along with a motion. So mine was, my is Barra, like Bear, ROAR.



I remember kicking Heather under the table like 10 times because I was like "WTF is this??????"

Funny thing is I remembered everyones name because of this. And then I realized how much I actually liked these girls. Many of whom were like me. I really didnt like the people on my dorm floor. Lots of bitches. Lots of WEIRDOS. So I then attended the next rush event which I believe was bowling at U Lanes.

I know alot of people think sororities are a way to "buy" friends but ours was different. We were a local sorority meaning we didnt have a house. We paid a minimal quarterly fee and that was about it. It was great because now I had people I could relate to. Who were fun. Who werent too crazy....but knew how to have a good time. Who always made me laugh. I dont think I ever laughed so much in my life then I did in college.

I decided to leave the sorority my senior year. Basically most of my friends who I started with either had graduated, were about to graduate or dropped out for one reason or another at some point. I also needed to just focus on graduating. I screwed around so much my freshmen year I had to go to summer school to make up some credits and I wanted to go through graduation at the same time as Jan and Heather.

So to all of you I met through Gamma Delta Xi I think you are awesome. Thank you for the laughs, thank you for the smiles, and most of all thank you for awesome memories. Although my memory is a bit hazy with everything I have gone through recently, I came up with some doozies:

1) This was discussed Saturday---Running through University Circle apartments falling and ripping my jeans as Torrey fell over me. I think we were running because the police came to Tanya, Amber and Patty's apartment..but this is hazy

2) Scavenger hunt for one of our rush events. Nothing like asking boys for condoms.

3) Panama City with Tanya and Patty. I remember my mom freaking because I was 19 and going to Florida. I was acutually very well behaved although got the sunburn from HELL

4) Karaoke in The Attic. I dont know why but I have this really strong memory of doing "Should I Stay Or Go" with 7 drunk sorority sisters.

5)Going to ladies night at Club Bijou every Thursday downtown.

6)Going to Cleveland for one of our formals. We didnt buy beer because Dude thought we could buy beer for the hotel in downtown Cleveland. We couldnt since our hotel was nowhere near a store...so all we had was Jack Daniels. That was ugly

7) Patty always sneaking me & Heather into the Stein. We were only 18 so Patty would speak to the guy checking ID's at the door...he was like Arab or something..I cant remember his name. Sometimes we snuck in...sometimes we got grabbed by the shoulder and caught

8) Tracy putting self tanner all over herself and not blending it in....she was orange and had handprints all over her legs

9) Going to UT football games with "hot chocolate" in the thermos....well it also had Peppermint Schnapps in it

10) Playing drums with Jan at the TKE(whore house) at a party one night. I will never forget trying to play "Pour Some Sugar On Me".

"Everythings Gonna Be Good"

5 years ago today my life was changed forever. I remember getting that call at work and I will never forget it. I remember sitting in that doctors office and telling me I have breast cancer and then I went into shock. I remember just telling my ex-husband that he needs to take me to the nearest bar and we went to BW3's. I knew I couldnt sit home or I would have a breakdown. I remember wondering how the fuck am I going to tell my mom. Her sister died of breast cancer.

4 years later I get diagnosed again on the other side. My one year anniversary is coming up in June. I think my life will always be full of anniversaries, however, at least I am on this planet to enjoy them. I plan on celebrating this weekend when my college BFF, Jan, also a cancer survivor, comes to visit. We are hitting a winery, dinner then ending up at Gunselmans...of course. :)

Thank you to all of my awesome friends and family who stuck by me through all of this crap. You know who you are......

Below is just a little video of some of my favorite pics this past year set to Kim Richey's "Everythings Gonna Be Good".


XOXO-
B

"The Impression That I Get"

Perception: How others view you. How others make assumptions about you. How others think they know how you are feeling. The impression that they get from your actions.

I am not going to divulge who said this to me or where they said it. That's really not important. But if there is one thing I can honestly recommend to those that are reading this right now is to never tell someone whos been through something difficult in their life to either "Get over it" or tell them to "move on" or tell them that at times they can be "too negative".

I can tell you that when this was said to me I saw red for a moment. There is a point at which I can only take so much and if you really want to piss me off you can tell me how I should be feeling. Others have done this to me and they are no longer a part of my life. Until you have been through what I have been through you can take your judgements and shove them up your ass.

There is one thing that I will never apologize for and thats me voicing my feelings, my anger and/or my sadness. Too many times many of you try and act like these things should never be discussed. Its taboo. Its private. And everyone deals with their shit their own way. But if I wear my heart on my sleeve, don't throw it my face. And please don't act like you know how I feel. You have not:

*Lost 2 boobs
*Went through reconstruction twice and developed a hematoma the first time around and had to have emergency surgery to have it removed
*Went through chemo
*Lost your hair
*Gained weight
*Bones that hurt from the minute you wake up
*Suffered from insomnia
*Suffered from hot flashes
*Have to have a hysterectomy
*Oh and went through a divorce



So excuse me if I seem a little grumpy at times. Every day I look in the mirror and I see my scars. I see what was left behind from breast cancer. I do not look like my friends. I look different. I will never be the same. I dont know if I will ever regain my confidence back. Yet you are going to sit there and tell me how I should handle myself? Am I angry. Yes I am angry. I am pissed quite honestly and you know what: THATS OKAY.

Last week I went back on the Lupron. 3 month shot put into one big, ass needle. This one hurt. And it burned. A week later I am starting to feel the effects. The hot flashes have been bad. REAL BAD. Today has been the worst. Every ten minutes I feel like I am on fire. What sucks is when I am at the gym and on the treadmill. You are already sweating by working out and now I am getting whammied from the drug. Awful just awful. I dont feel like myself lately. I am sure alot of it stems from the Lupron but I just feel sad and out of the loop or something. I feel really lonely. I am starting to feel like I will never find anyone. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I just feel like time is passing me by so fast. I dont want to be alone with cats all of my life. I truly dont.

Have a great weekend everyone-

XOXO-
B

"Neverending Story"

I bet you not too many people would use a Limahl song in their blog. Your ears will be bleeding forever.......


Was playing phone tag with my NP last week and finally spoke to her Saturday. After meeting with my oncologist, they felt that I should either stay on Lupron or get the hysterectomy or oophorectomy sooner rather than later. She explained Dr. Silverman didn't feel comfortable doing just the Tamoxifen. Of course this sent me into a tizzy:

▀ I dont want surgery right now! Recovery time on a hysterectomy is a week. I just do not want to do that right now.

■ If I do the Lupron, I am going to get socked with another $700 bill everytime I get that damn shot. I cant afford that




Pissed off I grabbed my insurance statement and looked at the numbers. I noticed that my Out of Pocket for 2013 went DOWN by almost $1300!!!! What!? When did that happen?? All I was looking at was the monthly charges going up and never realized that the out of pocket went down. Happy dance!!

So that being said I have decided to go back on Lupron. I am on the hook for $600 regardless of what I so: Lupron vs surgery. I would rather just do the Lupron now and then do the surgery at the end of the year when I was planning on taking time off anyways. This time the shots will be every 3 months rather than monthly. Its a pain in the ass to go there monthly as I have to use PTO time for it. So I will start the shot back up in April then go back in July for another round of the shot as well as to meet with my new OBGYN, Dr. Zinotti. I will discuss with her my situation and hopefully plan for surgery in November or December.

This whole thing is like a roller coaster. Soon as you think you have some down time to get away from it, it sucks you right back in . I admit, Saturday I had a complete meltdown. I just had the window/door guy over because I wanted to replace my back door to my house. Although not a cheap job, I knew it was something I want to get done. I just have not been able to financially put the money into my house that I have wanted to. I really have had to pick and choose what I need to get fixed. So I was all excited that I was going to probably be getting a new door than 1 hour later that got dropped on me. Either way I am in the hole another $600. A hole that I dont think I am ever going to get out of.......

I hate complaining. I know its not attractive. I know other people are far worse off than I am. I am just frustrated. I want off of this god damn ride already. I want one year NOT to have to see a doctor, get injected with something, have surgery or be in any pain. One year where I dont incur large medical bills.

I know...wishful thinking.

XOXO
B

"Stupid Girls"

So as most of you I saw P!NK last Wednesday in Columbus and it was amazing. I am pretty sure I will never see anything like that again. She is in crazy good shape and singing the entire time shes doing these acrobatics. I was in awe. Her show was inspiring. It got me thinking about women in general and how pathetic some of us have become. What I respect about P!NK is her honesty. And how she doesnt WHINE unlike some people:



Look we all have been through breakups but Taylor Swift seems to go through them on a weekly basis. You are not 16 years old Taylor Swift. Grow the f up already. You have many young girls who look up to you. Stop acting like a weak fool. Relationships shouldnt define who you are. Thats when you get into trouble and make bad choices. And guess what ladies...its okay to be single! I have been doing it for 3 years and I haven't spontaneously combusted yet. In fact, what it has done for me is allowed me to regain my independence. I am a way stronger person now than I was 3 years ago. Did I think I would know how to buy a house? No. Deal with electric companies & electricians when a catastrophe happens? Hell no. Negotiate with bidders for a new garage roof? Are you kidding? Go through cancer a second time? What doesnt kill you makes you........stronger.




Also last Wednesday I had my appointment at Siedman Cancer Center to discuss my plan moving forward since I am going off of Lupron do to the cost. I have decided to go back on Tamoxifen and will eventually be doing a hysterectomy. I do not have any plans for children. That is kind of hard when you do not have a significant other. And lets be honest, at my age? Well I think that ship has sailed. Am I upset about it? No. How can I be. I am here arent I? I am in no rush for this surgery. I got a referral for a doctor who specializes in such a surgery for cancer patients. So my goal is to meet with her first and discuss with her my situation. From there, decide on when I would like to have the surgery. I am thinking later this year/early next year.


This week I heard back from Sarah, my genetic counselor at UH, about the second round of genetic testing results. This is where they look at 14 different strains to see if you carry any of them. If you do, you might be higher risk for other cancers. This allows you to make sure you are being screened regularly. There was one gene called the RAD 50 that had a “slight variant of uncertain significance”. This is a newer gene so they do not have a ton of info about it other than it MIGHT cause a higher risk for breast cancer. The models showed that the mutation was benign but not a true mutation. So basically they don’t THINK this was the cause but it could be as models can sometimes be wrong. They will update more on this gene as their research progresses. So I am to check back with her in a year. I am kind of a guinea pig on this one(STORY OF MY LIFE!). She agreed that a hysterectomy would be a good idea. I also asked about my niece. She said she should start early screening. Since I was diagnosed at 34 the first time, I probably had breast cancer in my early 20's. I am glad at least Ella will know to be proactive.


Other than that I am doing very well. I will meet back with the NP in July.


Have a great weekend everyone!!

XOXO
B

"Here Comes The Weekend"

In honor of seeing P!nk in 5 days(not that I am counting), I had to title my blog title this plus it is the weekend.

I do not have too much to update on the health front. I will be seeing oncologist Wednesday morning to go over my options since I have stopped the Lupron. So this blog will be more random things going on in my life.

I decided to change things up at the gym. That track was getting old. And I was honestly sick of having to weave and dodge inconsiderate dicks all of the time. So I went back to the treadmill(which is what I was using when I was married but then a little thing called divorce happened and I didnt have $700 to buy one). There is quite the difference between the track and treadmill. First thing is the airflow. When you walk around the track there is constant airflow. When you walk on a treadmill, it gets hot very quickly and for some reason its very warm where those treadmills are(I think its beacause they are by the pool). However, that being said, I do like it far better. I dont know. There is something about sweating your ass off that makes you feel accomplished. I have cut back alot of stuff. My diet consists of:

■ 2 pieces of wheat toast and green tea when I wake up

■ Around 10:00 AM 4 pieces of turkey bacon and 1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese

■ 1:00 is lunch so lately been doing salad with fresh broccoli and roasted soybeans. Also, greek yogurt. This totally fills me up from the protein.

■ Dinner is around 6 after gym. Its either chicken or fish with a side of soy rice. Giant Eagles is awesome.

■ Snack is a handful of granola with dried cranberries


I can tell I am losing weight. However, I refuse to get on a scale. My problem is when I do that I get obsessed with it. And then I get pissed if I am not losing fast enough. I can just tell by how my clothes are fitting, especially my jeans.


All of my diet will probably do out the window tomorrow when we go to Amish Country. So many great places to shop at. Heinis Cheese is one of my faves. I mean who doesn't like to sample 50 cheeses? Now is a perfect time to go because it is cold and nobody will be there. Go there in the summer and its full of a bunch of people who think they can bring strollers in a complete packed place...dont even get me started on that. It is a fun day trip and usually ends up with us grabbing dinner somewhere down there. I came across this place called Sammy Sue's BBQ. I love places like this. Screw those chain places. I love finding the places that are mom and pop sort of places with awesome food.

Other than that I will be relazing this weekend. I am off 3 days next week and, as most of you know, kicking it off with P!NK in Columbus.


To say I am excited is an understatment. I have seen the reviews and I have seen the You Tube videos from the current tour. Can you say amazeballs??? I plan on taking as many pictures and videos as I can get. And if my gut is right, we might be alot closer to P!NK then we thought we ever would be. Although we have nosebleed seats, I have seen some of the stunts she has done and lets just say she allows the entire arena to see her.

Have a great weekend!!

XOXO-
B

"Survivor"

One of the dates that is engraved in your memory, as someone who has had cancer, is the date you were diagnosed. So here is my question? What date do I "celebrate"? April 23, 2008 when I was first diagnosed or June 7, 2012 when I was diagnosed again? Or do you celebrate twice? By all means I am up for a party. What is your opinion?

It is just over 8 months since my surgery. Well the mastectomy. I forgot I had THREE surgeries last year. Ductogram, mastectomy and reconstruction swap. No wonder my memory is bad at times. Anesthesia brain chased by some Gunselmans brain. I am still not completely done with the reconstruction. I have some other things I need to do. Well I dont NEED to do them. They are more optional. I just honestly dont want the doctor bill. Even through insurance "covers" it, I still have an out of pocket max. I am also waiting to see the onocologist about the Lupron. I was supposed to go Wednesday but with the horrible weather I rescheduled to March 6th. One of the options I want to discuss is a hysterectomy. Again though, I dont want to have that this year. I am tired. It is not a life or death surgery if I dont have it right now. It's more for peace of mind if anything. I just want to enjoy 2013. I turn the big 4-0 this year in September.

Speaking of that, the girls and I(Elise, Maggie, Kim and Gilly--Eileen will be having her second baby and unfortunately cant join us) have rented a house in Put In Bay for a weekend in May to celebrate us turning 40. Although some of us(Gilly) will be turning 41 this year . Then my plan is to go to Vegas in October to see Jimmy Buffett at MGM Grand to celebrate my 40th.



Jimmy plays Vegas every October for 2 Saturdays. Its been on my bucket list to see him there(I have seen him numerous times before but never Vegas). I thought maybe the Keys but I am leaning more towards Vegas this point. I mean what the hell right? I am a strong believer in living in the now. I dont have kids, I have nothing tying me down. And honestly, if anything my journey has taught me is you better get out and enjoy life before it passes you by.

Anyways, life is good right now. I really am in a routine at the gym which I enjoy. I am hoping that since I am stopping the Lupron the pain in my joints stops. I have some great concerts coming up in the next month and a half: Whitehorse March 4th at Beachland, Pink March 6th in Columbus, Griffin House April 5th at Beachland, and Kim Richey April 11th at Beachland. It is pretty cool to have 4 of your favorite artists all touring at the same time!

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay warm!

XOXO-
B

"Bills, Bills, Bills"

It has been a frustrating week for me personally and professionally but everything ironed out...for the most part. Work is work. We all have those days where you are up to your eyeballs in issues. Eventually they work themselves out. I look at it this way: Its not life or death. I am not a doctor or a nurse.

Wednesday morning I opened up my email to find out I had a bill from UH for almost $700. I about threw up when I saw it. It was for my shot in January. I had not received a bill for my previous shots because I had reached my out of pocket max in 2012. So I had really no clue how much these shots were. The shot is almost $4,000. That would be:




Needless to say I panicked:

"Are you fucking kidding me??!!"
"Who can afford this??"
"What the hell am I going to do?"

I got into work and immediately emailed Marla my nurse practitioner. Explained the situation and she understood my challenge. I mean $700 a month? I cant do it. Hell, who can? And I am not happy about $700!! But I guess I know where most of my tax return is going to, right? I have an appointment with her next week. We will go over my options. One of which is a hysterectomy to remove my ovaries. Only question is:

WILL INSURANCE COVER IT?

Insurance companies are not going to pay for a surgery you don't need. So its my doctors job to explain why I need this. Why I am high risk. Why I need my ovaries out. And the reason why, for some that are wondering, is that breast cancer feeds off of hormones which your ovaries produce. That is why I was on Lupron. Lupron shuts your ovaries down. So if there is any cancer cell that got away from my chemo 5 years ago or from my recent diagnosis, I have a higher chance of ovarian cancer then a "normal" female. My other option would be to go back on Tamoxifen which I was on for almost 5 years last time. This is a much cheaper option. It is not as effective as Lupron but a good alternative. My plan is to go on that for awhile and, if approved by insurance, do the hysterectomy next year. I do not want to do any surgeries this year. Sorry, but no. I am tired. My body aches. I just need a break.

Speaking of my body aching, the Lupron is doing a number. In a way I am glad I am getting off of it. I cant tell you how much pain I am in. Knees, ankles and hips. When sitting at work, then I get up to walk, I feel like I am 95. I am constantly stretching. What scares me is if what would be happening if I wasnt getting to the gym 5 days a week?

On a positive note, my $6,000 bill that Anthem wasnt going to cover as a part of my reconstruction surgery in November was all cleared up officially yesterday. I followed up with the head of billing at UH to see where it was and she confirmed that the bill had been paid. I felt so much better knowing that. Look, I am a single girl and I have no means to be fighting this out with a lawyer. I knew I was right. I knew what the law said. What frustrates me is that people coded something wrong and didnt do THEIR job. And shit like this stresses me out.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Kim, Brian and I are going to dinner. I am taking her out for her 40th as a part of her gift(her other part being Griffin House tickets. Then we will probably head up to Gunselmans for drinks. I am looking forward to a fun night out!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

XOXO
B

"White Blank Page'

I saw my ex husband this weekend. I threw a suprise 40th birthday for a good friend of mine. They still talk. I invited him. Many people came up to me and said, "I cant believe you invited him", "You are a better person than I am". Look, I am in a no win situation there. If I dont invite him, I look like a jerk and selfish. If do invite him, I have to look at him and be sad. So I sucked up my pride and invited him. I am not sure people knew how hard that was for me when I did that. Probably because most of you have never been through what I have been through:

2008-2012: Diagnosed with cancer twice and went through a divorce

We talked briefly. It is so bizarre how someone you were with for 15 years of your life, now, is like a complete stranger to you. Looking at him, I was taken aback at how different he looked. Much thinner than the last time I saw him. I always thought of him as my protector. Now? It looked like I could be protecting him. And that is okay. We all change over time. God knows I look different as well. It has been almost 3 years since our divorce was finalized and I can finally say that I am completely over it. Him being there was fine. I didnt even really think about him when I was there among all of my friends. For once, I can finally say:



I am always amazed how people who are in long term relationships, whether dating or were married, just end them and start dating other people right away. How are you healed from that so quickly? I guess people deal with things differently. I am one who needs my space and time apparently. I do not think jumping into something is the right way to go about things. I felt way too vulnerable after our divorce. I felt I would not be making proper decisions because of it. Sure I dated. But when your heart isnt into something 150%, its not fair to that other person. Top that off with another cancer diagnosis and its alot for someone to deal with.

I am a white blank page. Ready to start a new chapter in my life. It took me three long years to get there. But I am there. This isn't to say I am searching high & low for someone to share my life with. Not by any means. I am just saying I am finally, truly open to the idea should it happen. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That being said, if any of you know of anybody who might be a good match you know where to find me. Just please make sure they:


•Dont crack their gum when they chew it
•Have a job
•Dont make weird sounds like they have tourette's
•Likes cats
•At least 5'11. Normally I would say 6'0 but I am sacrificing an inch here
•Doesn't wear a pinky ring
•Don't root for the Steelers


If you find me Mr. Right, I will buy you a beer at Gunselmans.

XOXO-
B

"Physical"

Remember when people thought the above video was too saucy for tv? Some of you reading this are probably too young. But people my age--you remember this right? Compare this to what is on tv now? Its hilarious.

Anyways, been pretty active since the new year. Of course we all indulge a little too much over the holidays. I know I did. Once the holidays were over, I felt like a beached whale. Too much crap consumed. With my surgery being in November, I did have an excuse. Although I was trying to walk 3-4 times a week, I was limited in what I could do on the weight machines. Last thing you want to do is rip something. So I did take it easy until I felt comfortable and had the doctors blessing.

I am feeling great minus the joint pain I am experiencing in my hips and my knees from the Lupron. To get up from my desk at work after sitting awhile, is awful. Hence, another reason I need to stay active. This week I will be at the gym SIX days! WOOT! I love it. I also love when I feel guilty if I dont go. My mantra right now is if I dont have anything going on after work then my ass will be at the gym. I am working out anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour. I like to do 30 minutes of walking, followed by 200 crunches, then I back to walking, then some weights then back to walking. I will sometimes throw the bike in there too for 10 minutes, especially if the track gets too busy. And while I am on that subject.........



When the hell did kids and adults become so oblivious to their surroundings? If you were crossing the street, you would look both ways, correct? So why does the same thing not apply to a track at a gym? I cant tell you HOW many times some idiot just walks out right in front of you without looking. I will warn anybody who does this: I am a big girl. I will mow you down. Women, children, old people...Ok maybe not old people but children for sure. If you have no courtesy for me, I will have no courtesy for you.

Losing weight will be tough for me which sucks. Lupron is a bitch and one of the things it does is screw with your metabolism & make it hard for you to lose weight if not gain. But that will not be an excuse to go out and eat everything in sight. I am being more careful in what I am eating. That is not to say I am not going to go out have a few beers and enjoy some chicken wings. I can tell you that is NOT happening. I will be miserable if I eat basically nothing that I thoroughly enjoy. I am just doing so in moderation.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Have a fantastic weekend and keep warm

XOXO-
Barra

"Hurt"

Pain tolerance. Mine is pretty high. Or so I have been told. However, lately my joints are doing a number on me. One of the lovely side effects of Lupron. It is in my knees and my hips. I have a bum right knee as it is from basketball and this only compounds it. It hurts mostly when I am sitting awhile. And then when I am walking up or down stairs. I am also having a hard time getting comfortable in bed. I pushed on my knee cap and the pain was excrutiating.

I know. Nobody likes a whiner. I am trying to tough it out. I am being very active when it comes to working out. Walking anywhere from 30-40 minutes 4-5 days a week and light weight training. So my workouts are about 45 minutes to an hour. I keep think that if I wasn't working out how would I feel. I probably would not be able to move. Ibuprofen really does nothing for me. Again high tolerance here. I cant do lunges which sucks because my knees cant handle it. As I am typing this my right knee, where I had surgery in high school, is aching.

Today I head to my oncologist for another round of Lupron. Fotunately, the hotflashes & insomnia are tapering off.



I have brought up the pain in my joints before and she said the best thing to do is exercise. I will bring it up again today and see if she has any other suggestions. If anybody has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. Stretching ideas, light exercises, I am open to ideas. Not open to anything that will cost me money though. I just can not afford it.

Happy Hump Day!

XOXO
B-

"Pictures of You"

Its amazing how a phone call can change your mood in a heartbeat. Tonight, after playing phone tag all day, I spoke to the heading of billing at UH. She told me they recoded everything and the medical bill in question will be put through insurance. I felt this massive weight lifted. Although I knew I was right in that it was covered, you always hear these horror stories between people vs insurance companies vs hospitals. I am in no place financially to be able to hire a lawyer and fight something like this. I am so blessed that this was taken care of.

After I got off of the phone, I fired up my laptop to look up a picture I had uploaded from vacation last year. I wanted to get a print of it for my mom. As I was going through files, I came across pictures of when I was in Vegas 2 weeks before my surgery back in 2008. One particular picture is the one below:



I saw it and it made me cry. I remember this dinner fondly. A huge group of us went to Vegas and this was our last dinner right before we came home. And I remember thinking throughout this entire dinner, "I never want this to end. I do not want to go back home".


And when I got home everything fell apart. I came home to my cat of 9 years barely alive. I got off a plane from Vegas and 2 hours later I was euthanizing our cat. Turns out my ex father in law said that morning he came to feed her she was lethargic and not moving. We came to find out she was in kidney failure. I was in a marriage I knew was ending and I was facing a life without one boob, 4 months of chemo, and hell on earth. That picture sticks with me. I think that was the last time I smiled in 2008. It was a dark, dark place for me. It is a year I will never truly forget.

But then I look at the below picture. The one of me and my family in Isle of Palms, SC:



This picture was taken 3 weeks after my surgery in July of 2012. And look I was smiling again even though I went through something that was pretty much awful a second time. Why am I smiling? Why wouldnt I be? I am on this planet. I have great support from family & friends. And I have these two guys:





Very, very fortunate.

XOXO
B

"That's The Fact Jack!"

So I had a bunch of people ask me about the Women’s Health and Cancer Rights Act and what that is all about. I probably should have delved into it a little bit more in my last blog post. That being said, I will in this blog post. I think it is important that this information is out there. I know many of you have dealt with breast cancer personally and/or have a friend or family member who is dealing with it

The Women's Health & Cancer Rights act was passed in 1998. Essentially, this requires most insurance companies who cover a mastectomy, also cover reconstruction. Under the WHCRA, mastectomy benefits must cover:

■ Reconstruction of the breast that was removed by mastectomy

■ Surgery and reconstruction of the other breast to make the breasts look symmetrical or balanced after mastectomy

■ Any external breast prostheses (breast forms that fit into your bra) that are needed before or during the reconstruction

■ Any physical complications at all stages of mastectomy, including lymphedema


Obviously this is a very important issue for women. The first question anyone asks who is diagnosed with breast cancer and has to have a mastectomy is:

WHAT AM I GOING TO LOOK LIKE?


I will fully admit, after my first mastectomy on the right side, I did not look in a mirror for 2 weeks. When I finally did, it was shocking. It literally took my breath away. I won't lie to you. It is not pretty. Although I was going through reconstruction, I did not think what I was looking at would ever look like a boob again. 4 years later, on the right side, I have a silicone implant, nipple reconstruction and tattooing. And it looks pretty damn good all things considered. I am currently going through the same process on the left side now. What really sucks is back in 2009 I had a lift on the left side so my boobs matched(ALL COVERED BY INSURANCE!). Little did I know that lift would be null & void as I was diagnosed with early breast cancer on that side 3 years later.

That is why this act is so important. Even if you have to have a mastectomy, you have the OPTION of having reconstruction and it will be covered by insurance. Sure, some women do not want reconstruction. It is a personal choice.

Hope this sheds some light into a very personal issue for me. If anyone has any questions, my door is always open. Feel free to message me on Facebook or email me at: sarmcl@gmail.com

XOXO-
B

"5678!"

No reason for this blog title other than this song puts me in a good mood and its alot of fun. Especially the breakdown at 1:45. Plus Butterfly Boucher is one of the coolest musicians ever and I have met her which makes it extra cool.

It's Friday. Alot going on in my brain. Let's break it down shall we?

I posted on my Facebook page about a statement I got from Anthem in regards to my surgery in November. I look at the statement and essentially it says that they covered everything BUT $5,500.



Below in the explanation of benefits it said "This is not covered by your plan". What is not covered by my plan??? I immediately check my account with University Hospital and I do not see anything for $5,500. But, I felt I need to nip this in the ass. So I called Anthem. After being on hold for 20 minutes, I got someone. She did alot of typing and told me that the "excess skin removal was not covered" and that "UH filed an appeal in December but it was rejected". Floored, I explained this was part of BREAST CANCER RECONSTRUCTION. Lady--do you think I went in there for a nip and tuck?? I explained I had a mastectomy in June. When they do that sometimes they have to leave excess skin to compensate for the expander. Then they can go back in and clean it up. So while he was in there removing the expander he went in and removed some skin. Ironically, I still have to go back in and have more removed because its not settling properly.

She asked me if I wanted to file an appeal. Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course I do! I explained as a part of the Women's Health & Cancer Rights Act they have to cover this. Back in 2008, when I had a mastectomy on the right side, as a part of reconstruction I had a lift on my left side so my boobs matched. ALL COVERED BY UNITED HEALTH CARE(on a different insurance plan as I was married). Why? Because its the law! She took my statement and said it takes around 45 for an answer.

I then emailed my doctor and included the statement from Anthem. He responded within minutes and CC'd the billing supervisor at UH. I have not heard back yet. I will be following up next week. Like I said, I havent NOT received a bill from UH but I am trying to be proactive. I do not need to get into some battle with insurance and a hospital. That should be between them.

I do know this much--IF UH thinks they are getting a dime from me they are sadly mistaken. I will sic Carl Monday on your asses and you dont want him showing up. Trust me:

GET AWAY FROM ME CARL MONDAY!


Happy Friday everyone! Enjoy your weekend!

XOXO
B

"Stars"

The past few weeks have been tough. Losing our co worker has really bothered me. Saturday was the memorial. Half of our office showed up. I am not going to go into why the others didn't show. My take on it is if you wanted to be there you would have been there. And if you are okay with your decision, then so be it.

Today was our first day back to work since she passed. And I felt like it was just weird. She changed her schedule the last few months and would get to work before me(I was always first one in). Her desk is the first one you see when you enter our office.

Today she wasnt there. It was weird. It made me very sad. We had a staff meeting about it to discuss how we would move forward. She was our billing person so it has basically put the operational side of things in a tailspin. I do not think ANYBODY realized how much shit this woman did on a daily basis. Like the saying goes, you dont appreciate what you have until its gone.

I then come to find out that my friend is still in the morgue. The morgue. They cant afford to bury her. I am not going to go into her personal issues. Those people arent worth my words. But lets just say she deserves much better than this. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that this woman is not being given a proper burial. But this shouldn't come as a surprise if you knew the circumstances that surrounded her life. She gave and gave and got nothing in return. Why should I be surprised?

You cant but help to look at your life. Am I doing what I want to do? Am I happy in my personal life? What if I died tomorrow? Would people come to my memorial? Would they give me a proper burial? What would my legacy be on this planet?

"Here lies Barra. Died at 39. She is survived by her 2 cats. She loved Gunselmans, Sarah McLachlan and Miller Lite"

Not very exciting.


It is time for some changes. Today was a big kick in the ass I needed. Personally and professionally.

Happy 2013-
XOXO
B