"The Impression That I Get"

Perception: How others view you. How others make assumptions about you. How others think they know how you are feeling. The impression that they get from your actions.

I am not going to divulge who said this to me or where they said it. That's really not important. But if there is one thing I can honestly recommend to those that are reading this right now is to never tell someone whos been through something difficult in their life to either "Get over it" or tell them to "move on" or tell them that at times they can be "too negative".

I can tell you that when this was said to me I saw red for a moment. There is a point at which I can only take so much and if you really want to piss me off you can tell me how I should be feeling. Others have done this to me and they are no longer a part of my life. Until you have been through what I have been through you can take your judgements and shove them up your ass.

There is one thing that I will never apologize for and thats me voicing my feelings, my anger and/or my sadness. Too many times many of you try and act like these things should never be discussed. Its taboo. Its private. And everyone deals with their shit their own way. But if I wear my heart on my sleeve, don't throw it my face. And please don't act like you know how I feel. You have not:

*Lost 2 boobs
*Went through reconstruction twice and developed a hematoma the first time around and had to have emergency surgery to have it removed
*Went through chemo
*Lost your hair
*Gained weight
*Bones that hurt from the minute you wake up
*Suffered from insomnia
*Suffered from hot flashes
*Have to have a hysterectomy
*Oh and went through a divorce



So excuse me if I seem a little grumpy at times. Every day I look in the mirror and I see my scars. I see what was left behind from breast cancer. I do not look like my friends. I look different. I will never be the same. I dont know if I will ever regain my confidence back. Yet you are going to sit there and tell me how I should handle myself? Am I angry. Yes I am angry. I am pissed quite honestly and you know what: THATS OKAY.

Last week I went back on the Lupron. 3 month shot put into one big, ass needle. This one hurt. And it burned. A week later I am starting to feel the effects. The hot flashes have been bad. REAL BAD. Today has been the worst. Every ten minutes I feel like I am on fire. What sucks is when I am at the gym and on the treadmill. You are already sweating by working out and now I am getting whammied from the drug. Awful just awful. I dont feel like myself lately. I am sure alot of it stems from the Lupron but I just feel sad and out of the loop or something. I feel really lonely. I am starting to feel like I will never find anyone. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I just feel like time is passing me by so fast. I dont want to be alone with cats all of my life. I truly dont.

Have a great weekend everyone-

XOXO-
B