"Where'd You Go"?

Long time no see everyone. Sorry I have been so MIA lately with this blog. I promise I will be better in the new year. So what is going on in the life of Barra lately? Well let’s see………

As far as my health goes, everything is going well. I had my last Lupron shot on October 3rd. And now will have my ovaries removed on December 19th. Since I have had breast cancer twice at such a young age, I am higher risk for ovarian cancer. This is more of a preventative measure. Many people have asked me how I feel about the surgery considering it completely ends any chance of me having my own children naturally. Last week I was sitting at the gym working on crunches and I stopped to think about it. How final it is. How it means there are no children in my future. It made me cry. But I do not regret my decision. My reality is I am 40. A pregnancy right now would be deemed very high risk anyways for a “normal” 40 year old let alone someone who has had the health issues I have had.

It is something that I have come to terms with—not having kids. I know I joke around a lot that kids are a pain in the ass and very expensive. And well…they are. My only concern is me getting to the age of 50 and having regrets of not having them. But then I think to myself even IF I wanted one right this second, how would I even do it? I can’t afford any of the options and that is the sad reality. I remember one time during our counseling sessions, my ex husband said something to me, “Maybe if we would have had kids things would be different”. That always bothered me that he made that comment. As if having kids would have changed the issues we were having in the first place? Hell no. All I kept thinking to myself was, “Thank god we didn’t have them because I don’t know how I would have done it living on my own and one income”. Hell I don’t know how any of you do it with two incomes. I know I probably would be living with my parents right now for sure. And right now I am battling medical bills again from the ultrasound. I swear I can never get or will get out of this debt. And the sad thing is: I HAVE INSURANCE.

All that being said, I am very fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. So if they are my alternative to children I will gladly take it. They say things happen for a reason. I am not sure what the reasoning is as to why my path was to get cancer twice, go through a divorce and never have kids. But maybe it just wasn’t supposed to happen for me just….because. Maybe there isnt a reason. Maybe its just sheer shitty luck?

That’s ok. I have a great guy in my life now. I am happier than I ever been. It is nice to be with someone who wants to have fun, likes to hang out with me, shares similar interests, and I guess just lets me be me, even when I am crazy yelling at the tv watching the Browns. I can not predict the future nor do I want to but lets just say I am happy where things are and see a great road together. For that alone, I hit the jackpot.