"White Blank Page'

I saw my ex husband this weekend. I threw a suprise 40th birthday for a good friend of mine. They still talk. I invited him. Many people came up to me and said, "I cant believe you invited him", "You are a better person than I am". Look, I am in a no win situation there. If I dont invite him, I look like a jerk and selfish. If do invite him, I have to look at him and be sad. So I sucked up my pride and invited him. I am not sure people knew how hard that was for me when I did that. Probably because most of you have never been through what I have been through:

2008-2012: Diagnosed with cancer twice and went through a divorce

We talked briefly. It is so bizarre how someone you were with for 15 years of your life, now, is like a complete stranger to you. Looking at him, I was taken aback at how different he looked. Much thinner than the last time I saw him. I always thought of him as my protector. Now? It looked like I could be protecting him. And that is okay. We all change over time. God knows I look different as well. It has been almost 3 years since our divorce was finalized and I can finally say that I am completely over it. Him being there was fine. I didnt even really think about him when I was there among all of my friends. For once, I can finally say:



I am always amazed how people who are in long term relationships, whether dating or were married, just end them and start dating other people right away. How are you healed from that so quickly? I guess people deal with things differently. I am one who needs my space and time apparently. I do not think jumping into something is the right way to go about things. I felt way too vulnerable after our divorce. I felt I would not be making proper decisions because of it. Sure I dated. But when your heart isnt into something 150%, its not fair to that other person. Top that off with another cancer diagnosis and its alot for someone to deal with.

I am a white blank page. Ready to start a new chapter in my life. It took me three long years to get there. But I am there. This isn't to say I am searching high & low for someone to share my life with. Not by any means. I am just saying I am finally, truly open to the idea should it happen. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That being said, if any of you know of anybody who might be a good match you know where to find me. Just please make sure they:


•Dont crack their gum when they chew it
•Have a job
•Dont make weird sounds like they have tourette's
•Likes cats
•At least 5'11. Normally I would say 6'0 but I am sacrificing an inch here
•Doesn't wear a pinky ring
•Don't root for the Steelers


If you find me Mr. Right, I will buy you a beer at Gunselmans.

XOXO-
B