"Back to Life"

Reality. I am not sure what mine is anymore but as the song says I am trying to get back to it. As the days pass since my surgery, the more and more I feel like myself. Today I will be headed to the gym for the first time since this all began at the end of May.

I was really on this great wave of working out before then. Getting to the gym 4-5 times a week. I felt really strong. No I wasnt skinny but I knew I was feeling stronger. Its amazing how much my body changed 4 years ago from the surgery and chemo. That being said, I think one of the things that really helped me this time around was the gym. I felt way stronger this time. Lifting weights on my upper body the past year REALLY helped me heal much more quickly this time.

So I am getting back to it tonight. No weights just yet. Just simply walking around the track. I wont be doing any weights until I am my incisions are completely, 100% healed. I am not risking anything. And regardless, I still dont have 100% range of motion in my left arm. Right now I am able to lift it straight above my head in a sitting position. However, while laying flat, I am not able to move it all the way up. I am at about 75%. SO its a slow, gradual process. Every morning and evening I go through my routine. Lay flat on the ground and pretend to make a snow angel, or 75% of one. :)

Wednesday is my oncologist visit to find out what treatment I will be having. I am at peace with this now. Look yes it sucks. Honestly, my biggest fear is losing my hair again. I mean how vain is that? But I would think 95% of you have no idea how that feels. Its not a good feeling to be walking around, as a female, being bald as an eagle. And I am not a wig wearer. Tried it and hated it. Its hot and itchy. Its not me. Give me a bandana any day of the week. But I worked hard to get this luxurious hair back. Fuck. I do not want to deal with this again. Yes I know its, "just hair". But I love my hair. Even more so now(Holllllla to Robyn!). I am HOPING that if I do have to have treatment MAYBE, just MAYBE, I will have chemo drugs that do no result in hair loss. I am okay with that.

But back to life...back to reality. You have to continue on. I am coming to work and keeping busy. You cant dwell on it. And I havent. I decided not to go to Support Group tomorrow. I have enough of the cancer thing for awhile. I dont want to re-hash the entire story. I am in a good place mentally right now. So rather than talk about it, I wrote an email that our group leader has graciously agreed to read. Maybe thats selfish but, honestly, I just need to walk away from this all for awhile. SO rather do that, Joanna and I are going to happy hour. Much, much better for me mentally............ ;)

I will update my blog Thursday when I know my treatment.

Enjoy your week & stay safe-

XOXO
B