"Lost In My Mind"

Last night was one of those nights that I was thinking. It’s really the worst when you do this as you are about to go to sleep. Or at least try to go to sleep. I kept contemplating chemo. I do not know what Dr. Silverman is going to tell me tomorrow. I am about 99.9% sure she’s going to tell me I am getting chemo of some sort. Again, expecting the worst case scenario here. Everytime I get my hopes up, they come crashing down on me. So this time I am expecting the worst.

Then I started thinking, “What the hell is this chemo doing to me in the long run?”. I had this 4 years ago. I had double dose chemo. It was brutal. Surgery? That’s easy. Chemo? Not so much. And thinking about the long term effects of chemo on your organs? What is this doing to me exactly? I am 38 years old. Is this destroying my liver? My heart? Are they going to tell me in 10 years, “Ms. Terrigno, we are very sorry to tell you but your liver is severely damaged. We believe from the two chemo treatments you received in a 4 year span”.

Look, I know these doctors know more than I do. But I sometimes question, what really is going on here? Are they giving chemo because there really is no better option? It’s a billion dollar industry. Don’t believe me? Check out some of my bills from 2008. $13k shot for Neulasta. Of course covered by insurance, but really? And what if they found a cure for breast cancer? Think of the money that would be lost. And, honestly, that is the bottom line: MONEY.

It’s not like I am claiming some sort of conspiracy theory with my doctors. I think they are just recommending what they can because there are not better alternatives approved by the FDA. BUT, I really question things like:

1) 4 years ago I had chemo, how the fuck did I get breast cancer again? Wouldn’t those cells have been killed? And if not, why the hell did I go through all of that agony?
2) Why should I believe that IF I do go through it a second time, it’s not going to show up elsewhere?
3) What if this damages my organs? Then what?
4) What other options can you provide to me? Because, honestly, the statistics side of things has been complete bullshit for me.

I am sure most of you saw the article I posted on Facebook yesterday. But if not, check out this link below. This is what started me thinking about all of this:

http://news.yahoo.com/chemotherapy-backfire-boost-cancer-growth-study-105534535.html


I don’t need opinions. Just need you to think about it. Put yourself in my shoes. Trust me, they are not shoes you would want to wear. I am just asking you to look at both sides. There is no easy answer. Why? Because nothing is guaranteed. Well expect death and taxes.

Until tomorrow---

XOXO
B