"I Will Wait"

I have no idea why I picked this blog title other than I love this friggin' song and I love Mumford & Sons.



Todays blog post will be short and sweet. Just a picture post from my benefit. I picked some of my favorites. Thank you to Kim for helping me out and taking the pictures

"Aint Nobody Got Time For That"

I dont care what anyone says. The above is the best video ever. Beyond Sweet Brown, I love the random guy walking in the background trying to get on camera. I could be in the shittiest mood and this makes me laugh everytime I see it.

So I am slowing down on the blog posts lately. I do not have too much to talk about on the cancer front right now until I go see the genetic counselor on the 11th. My mom will be going with me since she can shed better light on our family history with cancer. Today I will be seeing Dr. Soltanian to get another fill in my expander. After today, I should only need 2 more hopefully then I will be done. I can then schedule my swap surgery which they will take the expander out and an implant in. Another surgery. That will make 3 for the year. I am convinced that much anesthesia is probably doing a number on my brain cells.

So back to the video. I was thinking about many things over the past few days. Things that I just do not have the time anymore to deal with. After two bouts with cancer, you have a tendency to be less tolerant of bullshit. So I started making a list of 5 things that I no longer will tolerate:

1) Rudeness: People who RSVP to something and dont show up. No email, no text, no nothing. Rude. What is this all about? Your mama didn't raise you right.

2) Tardiness: I dont know why people think this is okay. God does it drive me batshit crazy. 1:00 means 1:00. Not 1:10.......not 1:15. Your time apparently doesnt mean shit to you. But time is a lot more valuable to me. When you could have had your life taken away from you, you learn to appreciate time. Have some respect.

3) Larry Dolan: Shame on you motherfuckers. Wow. And I thought Randy Lerner was the worst owner ever. Damn. When you cant acknowledge that your team was a complete failure and you plan on doing nothing about it, we are all in trouble.

4) Courtesy: When I hold a door open for you and you dont thank me, I will call you out. Seriously. Takes 1 second to say, "Thank you". Or when you let a driver over a lane and they dont do the courtesy wave? I always yell, "ASSHOLE" at them like they can hear me.

5) Facebook sludge: People on ranting every single GD post, status update, etc about politics is obnoxious. UNSUBSCRIBE is a great feature. I dont need your shit cluttering up my wall. We get it. You dont like Obama. We get it you dont Romney. I dont need to be reminded every 30 seconds. And same goes for the Jesus posts. You love Jesus? Great. But again, I dont need to be reminded of it every 5 seconds.



Heading to Salamanca, NY this weekend thanks to my buddy Steve who hooked me up with a free room at Seneca Allegany. Going to enjoy a nice dinner and good company.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone and be safe!!

XOXO-
B

"Thats What Friends Are For"

Doesn't get much cheesier than that, right? Well whatever it's true. I am not sure words could ever explain what I am feeling. Sunday was pretty amazeballs. I have no idea how many people showed up. I felt like I was running around like a maniac. I am sure I didnt get a chance to talk to everyone either, which I truly apologize for. I know taking your Sunday, which many of us live for, and heading out to some bar is probably not the ideal thing you want to be doing. But THANK YOU for those that did. I had people drive in from Indiana for this(Hi Patty!)....for little old me?

I can't tell you how many people came up to me or emailed me and said how great the fundraiser was. And that's because of all of the hard work from my friends. From the girls who did the grunt work(The Sue's, The Beth's, Elise, Kim, Gina,& Jodi), to Lisa and Eric, Sarah who bartended, cutie pie Nate who played music, Tim who helped clean up, & to everyone who helped with the front door, sideboards, 50/50 and raffle tables. I can't thank you enough.

I am sure my little speech at Gunselmans didn't quite get my message across. I felt like I was babbling. I now know how people forget to thank others when they win an Academy Award. You just go blank. And you get overcome with emotion. I was so "Ramotional!"(Those who watch Real Housewives will understand that!)

I took yesterday off. Wasn't planning on it. Had every intention of going in, showered and just said screw it. It was rainy out and I wanted to chill. So I ran some errands, pick some stuff up left at the bar, and relaxed. It was kind of one of those : "Ahhhhh" moments. I felt better where I am at financially. I was putting everything on a credit card and the donations will help that debt alot.

I hope everyone had a nice time, had some great food, and those that won some things enjoys them. Especially Mo......with her Adult gift basket. ;)

XOXOXOXOXO
B-

"Good Times"

I feel very fortunate today. I woke up yesterday morning to something like 15 emails from Pay Pal. Shocked, I couldnt figure out why I was getting all of these at once. Then found out that one of the posters on The OBR, posted on the site about helping out with donations.

The donations kept coming throughout the day. It was amazing. I mean, these are people who don't even know me. We have all chatted about football online but 95% of these people I have never met. I know many of them have donated to me in the past for Race for the Cure.

Its amazing how gracious Browns fans are. When you really think about it, I am a nobody to these people. But they rallied together and helped me out. And I truly, truly appreciate it. And I also noticed a huge spike in views yesterday. 600 views this week from The OBR alone. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

So thank you to everyone who donated. You guys are amazing.

Its a busy weekend. Tonight Kim, Gilly, Joanna and I are grabbing some dinner/drinks then heading to the Browns game. My support group leader was gracious enough to give me free tickets. We are right behind the Eagles bench. I am HOPING Vick is walking around on the sideline so we can heckle him.



Sunday is the benefit, of course. Thank you to Sue Higham, Sue Klika, Kim Zemek, Beth Kuhn, Gina Lehmann, Jodi Rodriguez, Elise Bastian, & Lisa Zellmer. You girls are amazing friends. I dont even know how I can ever thank you enough for all of our hard work. I love you guys!

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! I will see some of you on Sunday!

HERE WE GO BROWNIES....HERE WE GO!!!





XOXO-
B

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

Many people have been asking about the fundraiser on Sunday. Stuff like: Where, when, parking, etc. So I thought I would post a blog to answer some questions


1) Where: Gunselmans Tavern on Lorain Rd in Fairview Park(Corner of W 215 & Lorain)

2) When: This Sunday from 3:00-8:00.

3) Cost: $25 CASH ONLY per person. No credit cards! If you need an ATM, there is one a block down. If you want to pay via check, you can do so. Just simply make the check out to me. But if it bounces I will hunt you down like a wild animal. If you can't make it and want to donate, you can do so via Pay Pal. My ID is: sarmcl@gmail.com.

4) What does ticket include?: Draft beer, wine, pop and food(pizza, wings, rigatoni, etc). And if I see anyone with a plate of 50 wings I am going to call you out and then proceed to beat you. I saw this at my nephews fundraiser. Take some food but damn people, leave some for the rest of the guests.

5) Parking: Parking is available on any of the side streets, Lorain Rd(I believe for an hour), Fairview Town Center across the street, or you can park behind the day care next door to Gunselmans. There is limited parking in the Gunselmans lot.

6) Raffles, Gift Baskets, etc: There will be 50/50 raffles, Side Boards and a chinese raffle for gift baskets. We have some seriously awesome baskets.

On that note, WINNERS NEED NOT TO BE PRESENT. Nothing worse than having to hang out for 6 hours to find out if you won a basket. Plus I know everyone is busy. All we ask is if you buy tickets, YOU NEED TO FILL OUT THE BACK OF THE TICKET. No info on back, and you leave and win.......guess you are shit out of luck!

7) Help Wanted: If you can help for 30 minutes whether it be at the front door, side boards, watching over gift baskets, etc, please sign up at link below:

SIGN UP SHEET!

8) Last but not least: Please tip the bartenders. They are my neighbors and my friends! And nice enough to bust their asses for the day!!!


And, again, if anyone wants to bring appetizers please do. We can not have too much food. Please bring in disposable container so we aren't worried about returning property to people.

If anyone has a question, just email me at: sarmcl@gmail.com


XOXO-
B

"Back In the Saddle Again"

Vacation was awesome. Just awesome. And literally what the doctor ordered. I am not sure it could have come at a better time. I was mentally exhausted from everything between the surgery and finding out about the chemo situation.

We essentially went to the beach, laid out in the sun , came in for lunch and laid by the pool for the majority of the days. We also did a ghost tour of the Old City jail. However, I almost passed out and puked in the middle of it. It was about 100 degrees in each room. I think I made Kim nervous because they locked us in a room that was so pitch black I couldnt see my hand in front of my face. And thats when I almost went down. I think between the heat, the sunburn, the wine and my surgery, I hit my limit that day!

We spent one day in downtown Charleston which is amazing. Did an awesome carriage ride. That was really cool to see the homes and sites. It also was hot as balls. So sitting in a carriage sounded great. We also did a lot of shopping and Charleston has some great shopping. Did some wine tasting which was realllllly good and got a shrimp po'boy for lunch at Eli's Table which was seriously awesome! All in all a fantastic trip and I cant wait to go back. Hopefully next summer again. I realized that I am kind of over the craziness of Vegas. Maybe its because I have done it so many times. I really just love relaxing on vacation. And the beach does that for me.

This weekend is going to be nuts. Heading to the Browns game on Friday with Kim, Gilly and Joanna. My group leader at the Gathering Place offered me free tickets. We are sitting on the 50th yard line, lower bowl, in the 10th row! Granted its pre-season but it will be cool to sit that close. Sunday is my benefit at Gunselmans that the ladies have been literally busting their asses over. If you are coming, you need to bring some extra cash for raffle tickets. We have some GREAT gift baskets! Browns tickets, hotel stays, booze basket, various gift cards to restaurants & bars………oh and a diamond necklace! I will post a benefit blog later this week on all of the details like where, when , parking, etc. So check back for an update!

Also, if you would like to sign up to help with the raffle, front door, side board, etc……please sign up at link below:

SIGN UP SHEET!

Happy Monday everyone! Have a fantastic week!

XOXO-
B

"Summertime"

No real specific reason for this blog title. I just love the song and it gets me in a great mood. And I love the Sundays.

Yesterday I began my fills for the reconstruction process. This basically consists of me getting filled with saline in my expander. For those rookies out there, Dr. Soltanian inserts a tissue expander after the mastectomy. This is filled with saline to stretch your tissue. You get "fills" weekly or every other week. Just depends on your schedule and how fast you want to go. When I got out of surgery, I had 300 cc's of saline put in. This was a hell of a lot more than the first time around. Yesterday I had about 40 cc's put in. About 2 hours later I was feeling it. I compare it to a brick on your chest. You get achy and its harder to breathe. But after a day or 2 it goes away and you dont really notice it.

To give you some idea of how many CC's you will need to be done, a C breast is about 450-500 cc's. Keep in mind though hes only going to expand me to match my other side. Once they are done with expanding me, then he will swap out the expander for an implant. The implant is either silicone or saline. I went with silicone last time. Much more natural feeling and no I am not worried about side effects. My doctor would not put something in me that would kill me. So simmer down........

The "swap" surgery is very easy. So much so I was grocery shopping the very next day. They go through your initial incision and you do not have nerves there any way. So its VERY simple. I can do this at any time so there is no rush. In my perfect world, I would like to have this done this year to get it under the calendar year for insurance. However, I have to wait until this genetic testing is done. Once I find the results of that, then I can figure everything out.

I have my genetic counseling meeting on September 11th. My mom and I will sit down and speak with the counselor. My understand is that she will ask you a zillion questions about your family history. This is why its vital my mom goes. She knows the history of her side of the family with breast cancer. My aunt passed away from it at a young age and I know my mom has some cousins who have died from it. Who they all are I am not entirely sure. Once they do that, they will submit to insurance. Then insurance tells them if its covered or not. I am hoping it is. Because genetic testing is THOUSANDS of dollars. And I wont be able to afford it otherwise.

Mentally, I am doing great. I really am. The chemo news just really lifted this massive stress off of me. I was even told by my one boss yesterday that I had a "glow about me". Right now I am just concentrating on getting back to normal. Back to the gym, back to work and back to..well.......life.

I again want to thank everyone for all you did for me. Whether it was stopping by, bringing me food, sending cards, beer, cleaning my house, emails, flowers, cookies, fruit, gift cards, donations.......did I forget anything? :) You lifted my spirits completely. I mean what girl would not have a smile on their face when they get a box of beer?

I am off with the family this week for a much needed vacation. Thank you to Brian for taking care of the house and Sam & Bug.

Enjoy your weekend! And most of all.....have fun doing it!

XOXO-
B

"It's a Sunshine Day"

That's right mothertruckers. I brought out the Brady Bunch for this post. Why?

1) The Brady Bunch rules

2) And this bitch isn't going to have to endure chemo a second time



I met with Dr. Silverman today positive I was getting chemo. I have heard it all: your age, its in your node, etc. So was completely prepared for the worst case scenario. She came in. She showed me options. Then she wrote this:

Chemo: 2-5%

No Chemo: 4-7%


I looked at her then said, "Are you telling me basically chemo is giving me a 2% better chance of NOT getting cancer again?". "Yes", she answered. Well the decision was simple for me:

HELL TO THE NO

She agreed. Although she did say if I wanted chemo, by all means she would give it to me. I told her its just not worth the long term effects to me. She went on to explain that I needed to get the genetic testing(which I am scheduling tomorrow). If I test positive, they will remove my ovaries. If I test negative, they will put me in early menopause with a shot called Lupron. This will be a monthly shot for 3-5 years. It basically puts your ovaries to sleep.

So I made an appointment for next month to start the process of the Lupron shots. The testing can take awhile. So while I am waiting on that, the shots can begin. As I left the room, she said to me:

"I completely agree with your decision"

Thank you Dr. Silverman. You rock and you made me a very, very happy woman. I am beyond ecstatic. Most of you reading this have fortunately never endured chemo. Thank god. It sucks. It fucking sucks. Then you think not only how crappy you are going to feel, how horrible you will look, you think about how you will work? How much time off you will need? Sad that we have to think about these things in the United States of America.

I am off to celebrate----beer and wings. Just what the doctored ordered...kind of.


XOXO-
B

"Lost In My Mind"

Last night was one of those nights that I was thinking. It’s really the worst when you do this as you are about to go to sleep. Or at least try to go to sleep. I kept contemplating chemo. I do not know what Dr. Silverman is going to tell me tomorrow. I am about 99.9% sure she’s going to tell me I am getting chemo of some sort. Again, expecting the worst case scenario here. Everytime I get my hopes up, they come crashing down on me. So this time I am expecting the worst.

Then I started thinking, “What the hell is this chemo doing to me in the long run?”. I had this 4 years ago. I had double dose chemo. It was brutal. Surgery? That’s easy. Chemo? Not so much. And thinking about the long term effects of chemo on your organs? What is this doing to me exactly? I am 38 years old. Is this destroying my liver? My heart? Are they going to tell me in 10 years, “Ms. Terrigno, we are very sorry to tell you but your liver is severely damaged. We believe from the two chemo treatments you received in a 4 year span”.

Look, I know these doctors know more than I do. But I sometimes question, what really is going on here? Are they giving chemo because there really is no better option? It’s a billion dollar industry. Don’t believe me? Check out some of my bills from 2008. $13k shot for Neulasta. Of course covered by insurance, but really? And what if they found a cure for breast cancer? Think of the money that would be lost. And, honestly, that is the bottom line: MONEY.

It’s not like I am claiming some sort of conspiracy theory with my doctors. I think they are just recommending what they can because there are not better alternatives approved by the FDA. BUT, I really question things like:

1) 4 years ago I had chemo, how the fuck did I get breast cancer again? Wouldn’t those cells have been killed? And if not, why the hell did I go through all of that agony?
2) Why should I believe that IF I do go through it a second time, it’s not going to show up elsewhere?
3) What if this damages my organs? Then what?
4) What other options can you provide to me? Because, honestly, the statistics side of things has been complete bullshit for me.

I am sure most of you saw the article I posted on Facebook yesterday. But if not, check out this link below. This is what started me thinking about all of this:

http://news.yahoo.com/chemotherapy-backfire-boost-cancer-growth-study-105534535.html


I don’t need opinions. Just need you to think about it. Put yourself in my shoes. Trust me, they are not shoes you would want to wear. I am just asking you to look at both sides. There is no easy answer. Why? Because nothing is guaranteed. Well expect death and taxes.

Until tomorrow---

XOXO
B

"Back to Life"

Reality. I am not sure what mine is anymore but as the song says I am trying to get back to it. As the days pass since my surgery, the more and more I feel like myself. Today I will be headed to the gym for the first time since this all began at the end of May.

I was really on this great wave of working out before then. Getting to the gym 4-5 times a week. I felt really strong. No I wasnt skinny but I knew I was feeling stronger. Its amazing how much my body changed 4 years ago from the surgery and chemo. That being said, I think one of the things that really helped me this time around was the gym. I felt way stronger this time. Lifting weights on my upper body the past year REALLY helped me heal much more quickly this time.

So I am getting back to it tonight. No weights just yet. Just simply walking around the track. I wont be doing any weights until I am my incisions are completely, 100% healed. I am not risking anything. And regardless, I still dont have 100% range of motion in my left arm. Right now I am able to lift it straight above my head in a sitting position. However, while laying flat, I am not able to move it all the way up. I am at about 75%. SO its a slow, gradual process. Every morning and evening I go through my routine. Lay flat on the ground and pretend to make a snow angel, or 75% of one. :)

Wednesday is my oncologist visit to find out what treatment I will be having. I am at peace with this now. Look yes it sucks. Honestly, my biggest fear is losing my hair again. I mean how vain is that? But I would think 95% of you have no idea how that feels. Its not a good feeling to be walking around, as a female, being bald as an eagle. And I am not a wig wearer. Tried it and hated it. Its hot and itchy. Its not me. Give me a bandana any day of the week. But I worked hard to get this luxurious hair back. Fuck. I do not want to deal with this again. Yes I know its, "just hair". But I love my hair. Even more so now(Holllllla to Robyn!). I am HOPING that if I do have to have treatment MAYBE, just MAYBE, I will have chemo drugs that do no result in hair loss. I am okay with that.

But back to life...back to reality. You have to continue on. I am coming to work and keeping busy. You cant dwell on it. And I havent. I decided not to go to Support Group tomorrow. I have enough of the cancer thing for awhile. I dont want to re-hash the entire story. I am in a good place mentally right now. So rather than talk about it, I wrote an email that our group leader has graciously agreed to read. Maybe thats selfish but, honestly, I just need to walk away from this all for awhile. SO rather do that, Joanna and I are going to happy hour. Much, much better for me mentally............ ;)

I will update my blog Thursday when I know my treatment.

Enjoy your week & stay safe-

XOXO
B

"Chicken Fried"

I am steering off of the cancer posts for this one to talk about this damn Chick Fil A controversy. I didnt want to make a status update about this on Facebook. I am, quite honestly, disgusted by some of you who did. Posting pictures of yourself at a Chick Fil-A eating a sandwich looking like you just won the lottery. Congrats.

Look. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. That's the beauty of the United States of America. Here is my problem: Mr. Cathy, you sir are a business owner. We get that you are a Christian. You are even nice enough to be closed on Sundays so your employees dont have to work since its a "holy day"(honestly though I would love to know the stat of how many of these people actually go to church). However, I go to your establishment to buy chicken. I dont go there to hear your political views. Do you ever hear Burger King talk abortion? McDonalds talk about the death penalty? No. And you never will. Why? Because its not appropriate.

Mr. Cathy is in a business to make money. And he did exactly that on August 1st, 2012 as people flocked to his establishments to prove some point. I am still not clear what that point was. You hear two reasons:

1) We are supporting his right to free speech
2) We believe those "gays" should not have the same marriage rights at us "normal" people.

Lets tackle point number 1:

Back in 2003, Natalie Maines, lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, made the following comment about President Bush at a concert:

We are ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas

A comment, made at a concert.......in London. No biggie right? Wrong. "Freedom of speech" went out the window. The Republican party was outraged. Death threats ensued. Dont believe me? Their Cleveland concert was postponed because of a death threat. A death threat because a singer made a comment that she was embarrassed to be from the same state as our President. Clear Channel, who runs basically every radio station and largely backed by the Republican party, made sure the Dixie Chicks would never be heard on their airwaves again. And.......it worked. They even made a documentary about it: "Shut Up & Sing". I remember all of the quotes: "We don't want to hear your political views. You are a singer. You shouldn't be speaking about politics at a concert".

So why is Mr. Cathy any different? Shouldnt the Republican/Conservative party say: "Shut up and make me some damn chicken"? Or does that not apply when you AGREE with the opinion stated?

Point #2. I am not going to go into some long winded speech about why I feel gays should have the same rights as me. I have many gay friends. And if YOU do, and you dont feel like he/she should have the same RIGHTS as you? Well, all I can say is, SHAME ON YOU. And if you don't have gay friends, you should get one because they are really cool, dress well, and smell nice. Oh and they are really funny too. You might even like them.

And who knows, maybe one day you will realize that they are human--just like you and me.

XOXO-
B

"I Feel Good"

2 weeks ago was my surgery. And I am back at work. I was trying to remember 4 years ago where I was at 2 weeks after my last surgery. June 18, 2008. You never forget dates when you have cancer. I love when someone tries to argue with me about them. Trust me. I know when I got diagnosed, when I had surgery, when I started chemo, and when I ended chemo.

I can tell you I am much farther along physically this time. I was going through work emails to try and get some sort of timeline and found this to a client:

June 26, 2008

Well I have slept in a recliner for the past 7 nights. I am up and about but my problem is I have limited range of motion in my right arm. The bed is not very comfortable for me at this point. I also have a drain in my right side(I had 2 –they removed one on Monday). I find out the results of my lymph node biopsy today. This will essentially guide what sort of treatment, if any, I will need moving forward.

I feel better as each day goes. Nights are the worst for me though—they gave me pain meds for that though which help me sleep.

I am glad I can at least work from home—keeps me busy. It gets VERY VERY boring at home!!


And another to my bosses on the same day:

Got call from doctor. they found 2mm of cancer in one lymph node out of six. I will be having some sort of chemo. He said I probably would have had some sort of chemo anyways even if no cancer was found. The good news is the type of chemo doesnt change from having no cancer in lymph nodes to what I have which is 2mm. It would have been treated the same.

I will meet with Oncologist in Westlake. That wont be set up for a few weeks as I still have to heal from surgery. Dont know when chemo will start--dont know how long it will last. I will know that once I meet with him/her

That being said I will speak to doctor Monday about when he thinks I can go back to work. As I told you before all of this anyways--I felt it would be at least a 3-4 week recovery process. We will have to see where I am at 3-4 weeks and take it from there. I have been told I am doing surprsingly very well for not even being two weeks.

I will let you know Monday what my doctor says.


So I took off about a month in 2008 to recovery from mastectomy and go back to work in the office. This time? 2 weeks.

Can you say Rockstar?

That being said I am not pushing anything. I am starting to do more of the exercises tonight. The snow angel is the best one. You do not how good that feels(seriously). To get your range of motion back is a massive thing. My goal is to get back to the gym Monday starting with light walking around the track.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Brian and I are going to go out Saturday. I just want to grab some grub, some beers and maybe play some Keno. Nothing crazy. I just want to feel NORMAL. Sunday I am going to go out to my parents and see their new place since they are all settled in and unpacked.I will FINALLY be getting out of the house and enjoying this wonderful thing we have called: Life

Oh and 10 days until vacation......not that I am counting.

XOXO-
B