Love. Lets name off some great songs about love:
"Love Stinks"
"Love is a Battlefield"
"I Hate Myself For Loving You"
"Love On the Rocks"
"Love Hurts"
Notice a trend here? Sure there are many songs about the positive aspects of love. But the real, great songs come from heartbreak and pain.
I have no great track record when it comes to this topic. After going through a divorce in 2010, after a relationship of 15 years, I found myself lost and in misery. Not to mention, I had just finally got through one of the worst times in my life with battling breast cancer. Our divorce was not a result of the cancer, as many would probably assume. Our relationship was broken long before that. We both were at fault. Issues that should have been addressed never were and the result was, well, divorce.
But even still, the loneliness I felt during my cancer treatments was incredible. My ex husband had obviously checked out emotionally. It was like I was a stranger with cancer. I felt no connection there. I felt like I was alone and I was battling this war with no soldiers behind me.
When you go through chemo, its very tough. And yes, you know there are people out there who are far worse off than you are. This is a time when it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to complain. It's okay to cry. And it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to feel like you can never say anything negative about this crazy process YOU are going through.
And this is not blog to bash my ex. It's a blog about knowing now what kind of partner you need in your life. Who is going to have your back? Who is going to be there? Who is going to give you a hug when you least expect it? Who is going to send you a simple message of: How are you doing today? They wont judge you. They won't make you feel guilty for being angry at the world. They will simply....listen.
I have had two of the experiences happen lately from male friends. One from high school who helped me out with my AC. When he walked into my house, he just gave me a hug. It was one of the nicest things ever. And it was a hug I desperately needed. Another, was from someone who I went out on a date with once right before my most recent diagnosis. He is a very nice guy but I couldn't pursue anything with him at the moment. It's not fair to him and I can't put someone through my burdens. I can't give the time to dating someone right now obviously. I have bigger fish to fry. However, he has made it a point to send me a text message here and there just seeing how I am doing or telling me that he hopes I have a good day. It's little things like that which are helpful. Things I didn't get last time.....
When you are presented a challenge, such as this, you begin to look at things like: When I get through this, what kind of person do I want in my life? I cant have someone in my life who cant communicate. Or is afraid of my cancer. Or doesn't know what to say to me and avoids the large elephant in the room. I would rather go through life alone. I won't ever settle for anyone but then I wonder: Who is going to love me? Who is going to want to deal with this? Who will not judge my scars?
Ryan Reynolds? Ryan Gosling?
Probably not............
XOXO-
B
Right now your angels are busy preparing for your battle ahead... It's their #1 priority... But don't underestimate the power of guardian angels! When you least expect it, you'll meet the person who's meant for you... And you'll know because he will think your scars are part of what makes you beautiful, inside and out. He'll be drawn to your strength, your compassion, sense of humor and your kick ass attitude. He will love you from head to toe, no matter what. You will make him a better person, and he will bring out your best in you... You will not be alone. You will persevere. You are loved, will be loved, and will love, because you deserve it! You deserve happiness, because the impact you have on others is so great, you will receive none the less in return!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jen. I really appreciate the kind words.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I just read this and I need to say... Don't close this one guy out. I know I don't know about details of your date, and maybe the mojo isn't there for you. However, I can say I had some medical problems when I met my husband and I told him pretty early. For the reasons you are scared so was I. I had been in a previous relationship and was told by this "awesome" guy "I had issues he couldn't deal with " and I never heard from him again. BUT, When I told John he was like "so, we'll take it one step at a time and we are a team. We'll get through it". This was after two weeks of knowing eachother and like 2 dates. I knew at that very moment outside that ATM he was the man I was going to marry. He was it. And to this day he has never broken that promise, and not because he felt like he had to, he wanted to. To this day We have walked through all of life's hurdles together. Thankfully, my issues have been resolved and the aftermath wasn't as bad as we were initially told. We were lucky but it was still hard when we were going through it. So I get where you are coming from, but if this guy is texting you and genuinely acting as a friend who is concerned about you... and you have some mojo for him. You better be texting him back! You never know who God will send to help us through our trials and tribulations. It is okay to be mad and to be frustrated and to complain you are right you have the right to do that now. But, also don't shut your heart down too. You are a beautiful woman who deserves a good man, and I know he is out there somewhere. You will find him esp. when you are not looking and I have a hunch you are not looking right now. :) Love and hugs to you. You are often in my thoughts and always in my prayers.
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