Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Deja Vu
Is it possible to run out of tears? Just asking because I havent stopped crying since I got the news. Its breast cancer.....again.
This time the cancer is different. 4 years ago, I had two tumors on my right side. One you could feel and the other was farther back in the breast. This time the cancer is in my ducts. DCIS. Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is the most common type of non-invasive breast cancer. It's non-invasive meaning it hasnt spread beyond the ducts....at least they hope it hasnt. They wouldnt know exactly until they do a sentinel node biopsy and see if it has gone outside of the ducts.
My doctor explained to me normally they would do a lumpectomy with radiation. That could be an option for me if I wanted. I knew right away that this would not be the option for me. My mom and I had already discussed if it's worst case scenario then I want to elect for a mastectomy. I dont want to deal with this again in 4 years. Let's just get rid of this damn boob and be done with it. I told this to my doctor and he said he figured that would be my decision but he wanted me to have all of the options on the table
On Tuesday, I will go see Dr Shenk to go over everything. I cant even begin to tell you how many different things I am processing in my brain right now. Last time I was married and in a totally different place financially. Now? Single and relying on one paycheck.
Its sad that I wanted to stay in bed all day today and just cry but I couldnt because I didnt want to use a day off knowing I would need that day off sometime in this year to deal with this. That just seems wrong doesnt it?
I think how am I going to pay for all of this? Sure I have insurance. But again, not nearly the insurance I had when married. How am I going to take care of myself? I know whats all involved here....bandages, drains, etc. I cant go on disability. That only pays 60% of your salary. I have a mortgage, car payment ,utilities, etc to pay. So now I have to work through all of this. Last time I took off 3 months. Granted last time I went through chemo. A completely different animal then radiation.....and hopefully the cancer is maintained in the ducts. If it went anywhere near my lymph nodes I will be getting chemo........again.
I am having a real hard time understanding why, if there is a God, this would happen to me again? Why did I do deserve this? I am a relatively nice person. Who did I piss off? I am very angry. I am very bitter. I am very sad. This time its different. Its personal. I am going to have a very hard time ever believing that thinking positive will get you anywhere in life. Its hasn't for me........twice.
Pity party.......table for 1.
After my post on Thursday night, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I received. Calls, emails, texts, etc. Amazing. Everyone, well almost everyone, reached out. Over the weekend I tried to keep myself busy. Work on Friday was one of the longest days ever. I seriously not sure how I got through the day. I really just wanted to stay in bed all day. However, I came into work and worked my way through it. My mom called me that to see how I was holding up. She then asked me if I wanted to head out to Medina with them for Aidan's baseball game. I agreed to go. My first thought was: I should go. I may never see him play again. Truthfully that's how I look at everything now.
I have said that IF the doctor will allow me I might hold off surgery until AFTER I get back from vacation in August. I have had friends and family tell me, "Barra, there will be other vacations". Really? You know that 100% for a fact? No you dont know that. This could be my last vacation. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You cant make comments like that and not be able to 100% back them up. Now obviously if my doctor doesn't think that its smart for me to wait, then I will have surgery ASAP. BUT, if he gives me his blessing, then I am holding off until August. Cancer has taken so much from me. But its not going to take away moments I may never get to have again if I can have them.
So tomorrow is my appointment. I have a bunch of questions to ask him and we will decide on what is best for me as far as when this will all happen.
And if you want to know why I named my blog, "The Sun Will Rise", I named it after my favorite Kelly Clarkson song. It's very weird how these lyrics completely speak to me.Here is the video with lyrics:
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Barra - feel like shit for a while - you're entitled. But then be positive again. Feeling that you're doomed is definitely not going to help you, it will just color your life with anger. You definitely have big concerns and I'm glad you're being open about it because I'll be honest, I didn't think about the cost outside of insurance & I'm happy that the account has been set up to help you - I'll be chipping in. You have support, friends and family, lean on us all. Deep breaths today as you wait to find out what your next steps are. XO.
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ReplyDeleteI really admire you... your strength and your humor dealing with this... again. You are one amazing, tough chic!! I am here if you need anything. xoxo Katie
Barra Barra, This is not a blog post from someone who is sitting back feeling sorry for them self. This a post of a fighter! Although you may feel crazy on the inside, which is to be totally expected, I can see you're rationale, thoughtful and prepared to throw down your gloves....all of these will serve you well in the months ahead. Stay strong and positive, and when you can't be, I will be on your behalf.
ReplyDeleteAnd just a few thoughts related to things you mentioned:
- I can empathize with the desire to stay in bed and cry all day. If you can , do what you need to do to work through the grief and anger to this news. I'm not a psychologist (and never played one on tv), but I feel it's critical to give in to these emotions and let them ride their course. In my experience, you can come out of that emotional dip stronger and better able to handle such emotions in the bumpy road ahead.
And if it's not possible, just remember that by getting up and participating in the day, that is one less day and probably many memories that cancer didn't rob you of.
- The "Why me?" question can be gut-wrenching, no? You begin to see all the injustices happening around the world and it's just maddening. Good things happening to bad people, and bad things happening to so many good people. I know it's hard but try to focus on the positives. Remember you are still here, you have friends and family that care about you, and you have the strength and will to fight this. Not every one is as lucky.
- I love seeing all the people posting such supportive messages for you. I'm sure you've received support from the most unexpected sources, which can be so overwhelming and emotional. Know it's because you have made such a positive impact on them. Unfortunately, there will those friends and family who you expected or wanted to be there for you that detach themselves. I I think you have to let any feelings of hurt and disappointment related to these individuals go and embrace those who are embracing you right now. People serve different purposes in our lives at different times, and right now you only need to focus on and be around people who can bring you positivity.
Lastly, I love your embrace the day attitude. Keep at it. Nobody knows what tomorrow holds, but each of us can do better at living in the moment, appreciating the times we have with those we care about, doing more of the things that bring us joy and living a life that matters. On the whole probably folks battling life-threatening illnesses are more keenly aware of this than those around them. Use it to your advantage to live each day fully.
Sending lots of positive vibes and love your way!
Amber
I know a nurse who lives about a mile from you. That should come in handy when it comes to bandage changes :). She is even willing to spend the night. Love you!
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