"Song For A Winters Night"

I think this is one of the prettiest "Christmas" songs. Ok it's really not a Christmas song but they do play it during Christmas. And, well, the best singer ever is singing it so there you have it.

Christmas. I used to enjoy it. It's been hard the past 2 and now onto the third, since my divorce. I will never forget the Christmas of 2010. Wow. Was I a miserable mess. Even more so than I am now. I did not know what to do with myself. I remember Christmas Eve. I always went to my ex husbands family's house for 15 years. Now, all of a sudden, I was sitting in a house, alone on Christmas Eve. Talk about depressing. My parents even stopped over after church. I think it was to check on me and make sure I was ok.

I still have a hard time with Christmas now. It sucks. Everyone is married with kids and/or is in a relationship. Me? Big loser in the corner. Divorced with cats and no real boobs. I am pretty sure this is going to be be me in 30 years:




I am fortunate though that I have a great family. I love seeing my neice and nephew during Christmas open all of their gifts. So that I am thankful for. At least I am here on this planet with everything I have been through to be able to see that.

It is not like I am desperate to be in a relationship. I am not that type of girl. I am to the point now where if it happens.....it happens. I sometimes think maybe Mike was my "one true love" and things just didn't work and I am basically shit out of luck. It's possible. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I hope all of you who do have someone in your life appreciate them. Not just during Christmas or birthdays but every day you are on this earth together.

Happy Friday everyone!!

XOXO-
B

"The Thanksgiving Song"

I have alot to be thankful for this year. Obviously, sitting here and being able to type this blog is one of them. Never in a million years did I think that I would go through all of the same shit again 4 years later. But I did. I am not sure why it happened. I don't really ask that question anymore. My opinion there really aren't reasons why things happen to certain people. It just.........happens.

I really want to thank so many people in this blog but its impossible to do so without editing it 100 times to add people. So I want to thank my family first and foremost. My parents rule. Driving my ass downtown at the buttcrack of dawn, helping me out at home, my mom staying with me to make sure I was okay, etc. You don't realize how much you need your parents until something like that happens to you. I am fortunate that they are still on this planet. Some of my friends are not so lucky.

I want to thank all of my friends. Seriously--totally overwhelmed by the outpouring of generosity after my surgery and even still to this day. I am so amazed. Even now when I open my mailbox and get a card that just says "I am thinking about you and I hope you are doing well". That is truly special. I feel like I have a mountain of people I can depend on. If I need something, I am not afraid to ask for it.

I get alot of people that say to me things like, "I think you are amazing", "You are an inspiration", etc. I don't feel that special. Honestly, at times I do not even know how I got through the past 4 years without being institutionalized. It was not pretty at times but I fought through it. I make no apologies for some of my reactions. Whether I was sad, happy, pissed...the words I said in this blog were true. I think too many times we all try to hide our emotions. Or we don't want others to see when we are weak. But I have been weak many times mentally. And that is okay.

I hope what I provided to all of you in this blog was a little insight of what I was going through not only physically but emotionally. Maybe I educated some of you about breast cancer. Hopefully I made some of you laugh. I think laughter is the best medicine in the world. There isn't a better drug that compares to a good, old fashioned belly laugh.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And if you go shopping on Thanksgiving night, I hope you end up with food poisoning and you are in the middle of Walmart with the cha-chas, in a 3 mile checkout line, with nowhere to go. You deserve it.......

XOXO-
B

"Do Your Boobs Hang Low?"

My parents picked me up at 4:45 AM yesterday. I had been up since 2 AM. I dont know what it was about this surgery but I was really nervous. It was weird. I knew what to expect and I knew it was an easy surgery. However, my stomach was in knots

They took me back into the holding are about 6. Basically you get changed and wait around for the nurses, take a pregnancy test(Negative!) , and wait for the anesthesiologist. My surgery was scheduled at 7:15 and I was pretty much in there on the dot. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room and the clock said 9:30. I stayed in recovery until about 10:30 and then was released about 10:45. All in all not too shabby. They gave me prescriptions for Cephalexin 3 times a day(that is just to kill any infection) and Oxycontin for pain. Glad to report no pain!

Honestly it doesnt even feel like I had surgery. It just feels like I did an intense workout with weights. I am more sore in my pectoral muscle. But other than that its been a total cakewalk. I expected that since last time I had this I had no issues. It is weird because others have complained that their swap hurt them. I dont know if I am fortunate or what but my doctor is two for two on getting the job done right!

I have a follow up with Dr. Soltanian on Tuesday so I will have to leave work early. Ugh. I hardly have any time left for the year so look like I am going to have to use a few hours. Not happy about it but as long as I get the week off of CHristmas thats all that matters to me at this point.

I am LOVING not doing a damn thing this weekend. I purposely DVR'd every show I watch during week and saved them all for this weekend. I also plan on watching a movie on Netflix, Ohio State and the Browns tomorrow. I also plan on sleeping ALOT.....speaking of sleeping. I took a Klonopin about an hour before bed last night and it did me wonders. I am sure being up since 2 AM helped too but I only woke up once all night and that was just to pee. I ended up waking up around 6 then went bck to sleep until 7:45. That was really great. I am very tired right now but I am sure that is because of the lack of sleep catching up with me but the surgery as well.

I took a look at my new boob and it looks great. A little swollen but I am happy with the results. He did a little nip and tuck on the side that I showed him where I had some extra skin from the mastectomy. Its skin that you can never just lose so it would have had to been removed surgically. All in all I am so happy its done and over with. I will deal with the tattooing of the aureola and the construction of the nipple in a few months. No rush there. He does that right in the office anyways so I can do that at any time.

I am looking forward to this coming week. Nice short week of work. Thanksgiving on Thursday with my sister in laws family, impromptu high school reunion Friday at Gunselmans, Thanksgiving with my family on Saturday and then Browns/Steelers on Sunday! I am so lucky to have all of this in my life and to be able to be on this planet to do it.

On a side note, I ended things with John. It just was not working out and I felt it was best for me at this point to move on. No hard feelings but I need to concentrate on me right now. Selfish? Maybe. However, I need to do what I have to do.



Thank you to everyone who sent texts and emails checking up on me!

Love you guys!
XOXO
B-

"Pills"

Picked up my drugs at Target yesterday. Here is everything I will be taking including the Vitamin D they put me on and the Percocet they will give me for pain management after surgery:





As she rang me up, I waited for the total---$5.32. I probably did a double take but I wasn't going to ask any questions. Turns out the Effexor, for the hot flashes, was free. The Klonopin for the insomnia was $5. Winner winner chicken dinner! I wont be taking any of these drugs until after surgery, which is tomorrow.


My parents will be picking me up bright and early at 4:45 AM. I have to be down at UH at 5:45. I am a pro at all of this now sadly. I check in at Mather Pavilion. They then go through all of the insurance stuff then I am sent upstairs to the surgery waiting area where I check in for surgery. They give you a buzzer like you would get waiting for a table at a restaurant. When they are ready for you, they buzz you and they take you back. You get changed and then you are escorted to a bed. You sit there waiting. And waiting. 8 million doctors and nurses come by and ask you questions like:

"Are you allergic to anything?"
"Are you pregnant?"
"Do you smoke?"
"Any lose fillings?"
"Any bad reactions to anesthesia?"

See I told you I am a pro.


The doctor swings by, tells you what hes planning on doing, marks you up with a marker, and then you are set to go. Your family comes in and tells you they love you and then you are off to la la land. After I wake up, I will finally have my reconstruction 90% done. My expander will be swapped out with a silicone implant. It is a pretty easy surgery and I am hoping for not too much discomfort. I do not have many nerve endings there so I should not be too bad(fingers crossed).

Kim will be spending the night Friday as they want someone with you the first night anytime you go under anesthesia. She is going to bring some King Wah(NOM!) so we will chill out Friday night and catch up. Saturday & Sunday I will be living on my couch catching up with my DVR, watching football, eating snacks and SLEEPING. I plan on being back at work Monday morning.

All that being said, I am taking time for me at this time. As some of you know, I have decided to take a break from dating John. I just need to concentrate on me, my surgery, and the side effects from the Lupron. I don't think you can relate to this unless you have been through it. When you are miserable on the inside whether if its from not sleeping, moody, and/or sweating to death, you can not keep putting on this facade of being happy. It is not fair to me to have to do that. So I just need to focus on me and getting back on track. I do not know what will happen with us. I just know I am taking time to be selfish in all of this and I am okay with that. I am going to do what I want to do. I think too many of us, myself included, always worry about everyone else. Well guess what? Times are a changing my friend.

Looking forward to my new boobs. Although this cancer thing has sucked ass, at least I know my tits will never sag and will always be perky. BLONK.

XOXO-
B

"Suffering"

"Suffering" is a great song. And best song off of the Beautiful Girls soundtrack. My favorite soundtrack...ever.

I am pretty miserable right now. Saturday night was kind of the topper. I can't do this anymore. Not sleeping. It's not healthy. My plan is to call my oncology nurse today and see what they will prescribe me. I have tried the natural route with Melatonin and its not working. So if you want to do a weekend getaway, vacation, etc I will declining until this is under control.

I found this website that had people talking about Lupron. Glad to see I am not the only one who is suffering from the same side effects:

Lupron Devastated My Life

It probably sounds pretty dramatic to some of you. But I can't tell you how much it sucks to not be able to get through one night without waking up anywhere from 6-10 times. Then you get to work and you feel like you could literally fall asleep at your desk. After asking many people for advice, it just seems there is no answer. Many of the drugs like Ambien, have horrible side effects as well. Stuff like Effexor will help with hot flashes but may cause insomnia. I feel like I can not win. Then you hear how these drugs are so addictive. What the hell are you supposed to do? Suffer and deal or take the medication and better your life? There is no good answer.

I need to focus on me during this time. So if I start seeming distant that's why. I do not want to be around people for the most part. Cats yes. People.....no. I am not going to sit there and be fake. I just will not put myself in situations I do not want to be in. Its plain and simple.

I have surgery this Friday. I have to be down at UH by 5:45 which wont be an issue because God knows I wont be able to sleep anyways. Ironically, the most sleep I will be getting is probably when I am unconscious under anesthesia.

I know I sound like a whiny asshole. I know. I know. I know. But putting my words down in this blog is therapeutic for me in some ways. And if you don't like it, then don't read it. I am just being honest rather than not talk about things like most of you do.


XOXO
B

"Pink Houses"

Well thank god that is over with. The election that is.




I am not going to waste alot of time on this topic. I know most of you reading this have had it with the ads, the mail, and the relentless ramblings on Facebook. I was pretty shocked at what some people wrote on their walls and some who wrote stuff that the public could see. It is pretty disgusting to sit and verbally attack our President. Acting like the world is going to come to an end is ridiculous and quite honestly, just pathetic. I did go out and vote. Although not exactly enthralled with either candidate, I did vote. That's the beauty of the United States....we have that ability to do so. So now Obama has 4 years to get this country on track. If he doesn't, the Democrats will be trouble for the next election, as they should be.

See I can play both sides when it comes to politics. Some of you don't look past the party name and THAT is the problem in this country. To me its not BLACK AND WHITE. I swear for some of you Charles Manson could be running for either party and you would vote for them because they are associated with your party. Its bizarre.


Ahhh so anyways on to more important topics like: Me. Kidding. I had support group last night and it was good to vent. I think everyone seemed a little shocked at all of the crap I am dealing with on my plate:

1) Genetic testing
2) Lupron hell
3) Surgery on the 16th

I definitely will be asking for something to help with the side effects. Quality of life is very important to me. Especially if I have to go through 3 years of this. It was nice to vent and have people LISTEN. Not judge me. Just listen. Then give me advice or suggestions as to how to get through all of this crap.

I am looking forward to this weekend. John and I are going do an overnight in downtown Cleveland. One of the things he won at my benefit was free night at the Double Tree downtown. So we are going to head over to the Horseshoe Casino for a bit and then check out the new Wink's downtown. Going to get some beers, dinner and watch some college football. I am really looking forward to it. It will be a nice get away from all of the crap before my surgery on the 16th.

Speaking of surgery, I need to be down there by 5:45 AM next Friday. Well I guess I will be up so wont be a problem getting up for it. I will be getting my expander removed and replaced with a silicone implant. I am expecting to be couch or bed ridden for 2 days. SO I am hoping its QUIET around my neighborhood as I will hopefully be sleeping as much as possible those 2 days. That means you Rick if you are reading this! No football party next Sunday please! :)


Anyways, lets all move on from the election and hope we can all get this country back on track. Stop battling each other.

XOXO
B

"I Dont Care Anymore"

It's Election Day tomorrow and you know what? I don't give a rats ass. Neither is getting my vote. I used to be one of those "rah rah" people about voting. Not anymore. If I don't feel passionate about you, the issues you are behind, and think that you are going to do a fantastic job, then you aren't getting my vote. I definitely do not believe in voting just to vote. I have about had it with the Facebook bullshit. STOP. STOP. STOP. Seriously. You are not going to change anyone's mind. You just look like a bully.


I have more on my plate right now then worrying about Obama or Romney. You both have completely turned me off to voting. You know where I will be tomorrow? I will be at the Gathering Place after work trying to regain my sanity. Going to my support group. Talking with other women who share the same problems as me. Who can relate. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a doozy for me. Allow me to explain.....

I know I have been whining about my Lupron side effects. It truly is making me miserable. Its weird, for a week or so after the shot I am just a mess. Hot flashes, insomnia, night sweats, irritable(to the point where I could probably punch someone), etc. It's horrible. Horrible. I don't want to be around people. I want to be by myself. I need to ask for something next time I go. I need to sleep. If you sleep through the night, I am jealous. I do not. Doesn't matter when I go to bed, doesn't matter now if I take Melatonin, nothing is working. I basically am up every hour. It is maddening.

I am not sure how one is supposed to live their lives this way. I really don't. I am very sad as to how this drug is turning me basically into a walking zombie. A miserable human being who feels like shes going to snap........

I remember when I went on this drug. I had about 4-5 people all say the same thing:

"It's hell"


Welcome to my world............hell


XOXO-
B

"Them Bones"

Third shot is in the books. Yesterday I had to go out to St John West Shore because Siedman over at Westlake was closed due to no power. Very nice facility! I always have alot of questions when I go in there because there is 4 weeks between shots. One of the questions I wanted to know was:

"After 3 years, my period will come back, right? So aren't I producing hormones at that point and high risk for ovarian cancer?"

My chemo nurse, Terri(who is AWESOME!), explained to me that once you are diagnosed with breast cancer and they rule out that you are NOT positive for the breast cancer gene, the reason they put you on the shot for 3 years is because that 3 year window is when you have the HIGHEST risk for ovarian cancer. Once you get past that 3 year window, I have the same risk as anyone else would. Its all about research and statistics.

Keep in mind this could change too once I get the other results back from the second round of genetic testing. However, I will not be getting those results back for another 3-6 months. In the meantime, I will be getting the shot in my ass. It doesn't hurt for those who have asked. I have enough fat back there!

The positive side of this all is no period! No cramps. No bullshit! The hot flashes have seemed to somewhat get better. I told her I was at the gym more. Now back at it 4 times a week which I actually really enjoy. She then asked me if I noticed any bone pain. That was weird because the other day I noticed my left hip was aching. I attributed it to the gym but she thinks its from the shot. The Lupron shot makes your bones less dense. I am currently on prescription Vitamin D and she also recommended a calcium supplement which I will be picking up this weekend. She also really pressed that its important to keep moving. Keep walking, keep lifting weights, but do not stay stationary. It will help out greatly.

Next month I will be meeting with my oncologist, Dr Silverman, and we will go into more detail about how I am handling the shots, my genetic counseling, etc. I do not see the oncologist everytime I go. I see her every third time(unless there is some pressing need to see her obviously).

On a completely different note, how about that storm huh? I feel so bad for all of those people. I know it sucks to lose power(as many of you did in North East Ohio--and some still do not have it). I totally sympathize. Back in 2011, during an ice storm, in February, I had a tree branch fall on my power lines and rip my electric meter off of my house. No power for 3 days!! And it was fucking FREEEEEEEEEEZING.

Shout out to President Obama who was competent during all of this and even Chris Christie gave him kudos(and he hates Obama). I am sure though nobody else that isnt voting for Obama will give credit where credit is due and that is a shame. Put your political agendas aside for second. And speaking of politics.......








Stay dry everyone!

XOXO
B