Tubthumping

I know. You are probably like Tubthumping? What the hell is that? These lyrics just keep going through my brain since Sunday night:

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down


You may have heard the Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. I am still in shock over it. Down 3-1 to the Golden State Warriors, the Cavs made history. They came back and won it all. THEY WON IT ALL. I can not believe I am writing those words. I sit here staring at my screen because I still do not know how to process all of this. I am almost 43 years old. In 43 years, I have never seen a Cleveland championship. FORTY THREE YEARS! I am not going to go into details about all of the heartache we have endured as Cleveland sports fans. You know it like the back of your hand. However, when you really think about it, it is just so sad that it took this long.

This is why anyone under the age of 30 will never understand. They will never truly GET it. I look at all of the people celebrating downtown Sunday night, many of them young, and I think:

"Do you appreciate what just happened?"

A life long Clevelander, I love my city. I love my sports teams. This girl is no bandwagoner. Browns. Indians. Cavs. That's in my blood. I was always taught that's who you root for. Rooting for another city's team, I am looking at you STEELER "fan", is a no no. There is one thing that Cleveland sports has taught me: It's never easy, but it's what makes us tough. Look, I get it. It's not easy rooting for the Browns. Basically 16+ years of junk football. That doesn't mean I go and root for Pittsburgh. It doesn't mean you root for Green Bay. That's the easy thing to do. That's the cowardly way out. What are you teaching your kids? You should be teaching them: Life is never easy. You dont just give up. You stick with your team. You root for the Cavs, Browns and Indians. Or you don't root at all.

Going into Game 7 I was a ball of nerves. All day. I could not focus. I had this part of me that wanted to be downtown. I had this other part of me that kept thinking, "Remember in 1997 when you were at your brothers apartment and you watched the Indians lose the World Series?". To this day, that was the toughest Cleveland loss ever. It was painful. It took me weeks to get over. So I didnt want to have to go through the disappointment again. That's the Cleveland fan in you. Always thinking the worst. I couldn't fathom being downtown and going through that let down. Even with a 4 point lead with 10 seconds to go Sunday night, I kept thinking , "How are we going to screw this up?".

When the clock hit zero, I didn't know what to do with myself. It's like I blacked out for a moment. I started crying. Brian started crying. Is this real? Is this a dream? Did that just happen? Oh it happened.

Enjoy this Cleveland. Relish in the moment. Do not take this for granted. To every person out there, I truly mean this. Drink every drop of that champagne. You never know when it will happen again.

I love you Cleveland-
-B

"Where Everybody Knows Your Name"

4 years ago, March of 2014 to be exact, I finalized my divorce and needed to find a place to live. The search was on. I first focused my search on condos. I looked everywhere: North Olmsted, Westlake, Rocky River, etc. I found the majority of them run down, outdated and quite frankly just basically like an apartment. I did finally find one I liked in Bay Landings in Westlake. But there was one problem, well according to my dad, : It was all electric. He was adamant that buying that condo would be a huge mistake because the electric bills alone would be crazy. Plus the HOA fee was something like $300 a month. Once I did the math, I decided a condo wasn’t for me. Also, the resale value on a condo sucks quite frankly.

I went back to my realtor and said, “Lets look at some homes in Fairview Park”. I knew the area because I grew up there from a baby until I was 4 and spent the rest of my life until college in North Olmsted. My agent took me to multiple houses. The first one, I wont forget, was on West 227. It was a cute house until I noticed the neighbor had some crazy anti-abortion sign right in their front yard. “Cross that one off of the list”, I told my agent. She then told me about a “cute” house on West 214. We drove over to it and I fell in love with it right away. What really sold me on it was the long back yard. Although you are close to your neighbors on the side, at least the neighbors behind you were far away. What I also loved was how well maintained the street was. You could tell people gave a shit about what their property looked like(well for the most part). If you went 10 streets over, it was a totally different story.

So I was sold. It took some negotiating but it was mine. All mine. I bought a house on my own. It was a massive adjustment at first. Coming from living in North Ridgeville for 10 years, it was so refreshing to have neighbors come up to you and introduce themselves. In North Ridgeville, we didn’t know any of our neighbors and we lived on a cul-de-sac! People kept to themselves. I always thought that was so weird and creepy. I came from living on a street in North Olmsted where everyone knew everyone. In Ridgeville, it was like my marriage: lost and confusing.

I am really not even sure how Gunselmans came into my life. About the time of our first block party, in the summer of 2010, Lisa and Eric just bought the bar. At this point I still didn’t really know anybody. I do remember the first block party and walking towards the Zellmers. I knew of Eric because we had mutual high school friends. Lisa I did not know but she approached me and shook my hand. There is one thing about Lisa that everyone can agree on who meets her: She makes you feel very welcomed and you feel like you have known her forever. And little did I know, how much we had in common and I am proud to call her my friend. The girl would do anything for you.

Christmas Eve 2010 was the worst for me. It was my first since my divorce. Having done the same thing Christmas Eve for 15 years and now you are sitting alone with your cats was depressing. I just wanted to get through the friggin’ holiday and be done with it. I remember sitting in the dark with the candles on, watching some crappy Christmas movie and just crying. My parents stopped by after church wondering if I was okay considering I was sitting in the dark. LOL. The following Christmas I told Lisa about my pity party from the previous year and she said to me “You need to make your own traditions. Come up to the bar. We close it to the public.”. So I did. And I had a blast. It was Lisa’s family, some food & drinks. I kept this tradition going the next 2 years. I don’t think Lisa knows how much that meant to me and how much then that bar meant to me personally. At dark times in your life you don’t forget who was there for you and who got you out of that hole.

Gunselmans, to me, meant more than a bar. It meant friends. It meant relationships. It meant going every Sunday and watching the Browns lose but cheering them on with the same people. It meant watching the parade from the best seat in the house for Summer Fest. It meant dressing up as the Cat Lady on Halloween and Lisa’s sister thinking I was dressed up as a Pussy Magnet. It meant going to the Christmas party and Brian drinking too much Christmas Ale and putting on Lisa’s sweater. I could go on and on and on but this blog would be 5 million words.

That being said, I want to thank Lisa & Eric Zellmer for giving everyone who went to Gunselmans a great time. It truly was a place where everybody knew your name---good & bad.

For the new owners, you have a lot to live up to. My only word of advice is: Don’t try and make it something it is not.

Cheers-
BT

"Heavenly Day"

Amazing song above by the way.......



It was a Sunday night in October of 2003 and I was doing a self-exam on my breasts at home. The self-exam was branded in my brain by my mom who lost a sister to breast cancer at a young age. I remember feeling it. It felt like a pebble or the size of a pea in my right breast. And it was close to the skin at about the 4:00 position. I panicked. I yelled down to my ex-husband, “Something is wrong. I feel something in there”. He felt it too. He was calm, which was his demeanor all of the time and of course I was panicking. It didn’t hurt. But I knew this might not be good. That next morning I called my OB and went in right away. She then referred me to a breast surgeon.

I was in the surgeons office(who shall remain nameless) who did the exam and was told I had a cyst in my right breast. The doctor had a difficult time aspirating the “cyst” and decided that it was nothing and I should come back in 6 months. Fortunately, I went back. This time the cyst was aspirated. Not thinking it was anything, I left the doctor’s office with a clear mind and not a care in the world. 3 days later? I get a phone call at work around lunchtime and these words come out:

“Dr ____________ needs to see you today in her office”

I hung up the phone and immediately texted my then husband.

• “She wants to see me today. I know its cancer”
• “You don’t know that. Think positive”
• “Why the hell would she need to see me today. Doctors aren’t going to bring you all the way to a doctors office to tell you good news”

I remember having a breakdown. I remember going into our conference room with Joanna and just losing it. I knew it was bad. I just knew it. I am even tearing up writing this because it still brings me right back to that time of my life when all things just simply changed.

I remember going to her office. It was late because we both worked and we didn’t get there until around 5:00. Nobody was in the office except the surgeon. We walked into her office and I remember this clearly about how messy her desk was. Papers everywhere. We sat down and she looked for my file.

“It’s here somewhere”

Proceeds to look. I am thinking to myself, “You have to be fucking kidding me”.

“Oh here it is……..yes you have cancer………blah blah blah blah blah blah”

I mean I just blanked out. Maybe blacked out. I don’t really know. You hear stories all of the time when people get diagnosed and then the rest of the info the doctor is telling you just literally goes in one ear and out of the other. Well, it is true. At that point she decided she was going to schedule a lumpectomy, where they simply remove the tumor. The surgery was scheduled but she also wanted me to have a MRI. Not thinking anything of it I went for the MRI. Now let me tell you something a breast MRI is possibly the worst thing I have ever endured. To be put on your stomach with your arms raise up for a half an hour and put into a basically a tomb is completely awful. You can’t move. If you move, you ruin the MRI and have to go through it all again. I got about 25 minutes in and started panicking.

“When are you going to be done? I need out of here!”
“Just a few more minutes Ms Terrigno”

When that thing shut off, I literally flew out of there. I can’t believe in this day and age of technology we can’t come up with a better device. It is ridiculous. A few days later, with my surgery scheduled in a few days, I get yet ANOTHER call at work for the MRI results. This time it’s the surgeon calling me:

“Hi Mrs Terrigno. We have your results in and we found some other areas we are concerned with so we are cancelling the lumpectomy and we are going to now have to do a core biopsy”

This is all over the phone, in my cubicle, at work. Again, I have another breakdown and I leave work. I can’t believe this. How did this go from being a cyst to my worst nightmare? I had the core biopsy done and it confirmed another area of cancer which was at the 8:00 position but back farther. It was at this point I decided to switch doctors and went to Dr. Robert Shenk at University Hospitals. There was no way in hell I was allowing this woman to operate on me. She would never return my phone calls when I would call asking a question. Her demeanor sucked. And I couldn’t get it out of my head how unsupportive she was when she told me I had cancer. Maybe she was used to telling women their worst nitghmare but there was zero compassion.

Switching doctors for me was a massive blessing in disguise. From Dr Shenk to Dr Soltanian, my plastic surgeon, to Dr Silverman, my oncologist, I can’t praise them enough. Although Dr Shenk, is all business, he is the best of the best at UH. I can’t count how many times when I was at UH and asked who my surgeon was the reply back to me was :

“You have the best. He’s amazing”

And same goes for Dr. Soltanian and Dr. Silverman. Just amazing doctors who always had your back. Also, my survivorship RN Marla Sustin. I can’t tell you how awesome she has been for me. Anything I need, I can email or call her and she always gets back to me.

As well all know the story didn’t stop there. I was diagnosed again on the left side in 2012. It was a very early cancer which was contained within the ducts but I decided at that time to just be done with it and do the mastectomy & reconstruction with the same doctors. No chemo this time but I went on Lupron for a year then had my ovaries out in December of 2013 since I was high risk for ovarian cancer.

For everyone who stuck by me, I want to thank you. For those that listened to me cry & bitch(especially the girls at The Gathering Place), I want to thank you. For those that treated me like crap, ignored me, avoided me, etc during those times, I don’t forget. You learn a lot about people in your darkest days. You learn who true friends are and who are too selfish to put their big girl/boy boots on and not make it about THEM. I learned little things like a hug can make your crappiest day a lot better. I learned not to tell people to “just deal with it” when they are angry. I learned it’s okay to be pissed off at the world because it isn’t fair that anyone has to go through this. And lastly, I learned that you do need to live every day like it is your last one. If you want to go meet Sarah McLachlan, you go and meet Sarah McLachlan. I am.


Peace & love……peace & love

B-

"Don't Let Me Down Easy"

I know I have been bad with the blogging lately. I just have been bogged down at work and then ended up getting sick which lasted about two weeks. So much so during the Kim Richey show at the Beachland Ballroom, I didn't think I was going to make it through her set. But I powered through it and saw an awesome show. And as you will see in the above video for one of my favorite songs by her "Don't Let Me Down Easy" she is amazing.


So this blog is just going to be random babbling since that is about where my brain is lately


☻ Sleeping: I have been having a hard time lately and struggling with insomnia. At first, I thought it was from the Mucinex I was taking, which I am sure didn't help my cause. However, now that I have been off of that for a week, I am still having a hard time. So klonopin has been my saving grace right now. I am thinking this is stemming from the menopause from the ovaries being removed. It sucks though. To be so tired you can not fall asleep can make you crazy or crazier in my case.

☻ Love: No complaints here! Everything is going great between Brian and I. I know thats cheesey and hokey. I hate people like that. But it's true. We are going to be moving in together in the next month or so which is very exciting. I am more just worried about where we are going to put everything so I might need another garage sale

☻ Browns: I am very excited about what the front office is doing. I was a little hesitant on the whole Alex Mack negotiation but when all was said and done I feel both sides got a great deal. As far as who they should pick with that #4 pick in the upcoming draft? I still say Sammy Watkins. I know we need a franchise QB but I am not sold on anyone that high. Watkins is a no brainer there. I just have this feeling though that the Browns are going to surprise us and take someone we aren't expecting.

☻ Sarah McLachlan: Well I did it. I am finally going to get a chance to meet her. On July 13, 2014 Brian and I are sitting in the front row at Toledo Zoo Amphitheatre and then we are going to do a meet and greet with her(or maybe it is before the show I am not exactly sure yet). Being a fan for 20 years, it has always been a dream of mine to meet her and just simply tell her how much her music has helped me get through some horrible points in my life. You know like the cancer shit and a divorce. I always have been a believer that music can pull you out of your darkest days and her music has done that for me so many times.

☻ Health: I am doing very well health wise. On April 23rd, it will be my SIX year anniversary from my first diagnosis. A girl never forgets that diagnosis date. Ever. So I plan on celebrating that day. I can not believe it has been 6 years. It will be 2 years next month since my second diagnosis. However, I am going to stick with the April 23rd date the rest of my time on this planet as that is the date that changed my life forever.

Hope everyone is well!

XOXO-
B