"Heavenly Day"

Amazing song above by the way.......



It was a Sunday night in October of 2003 and I was doing a self-exam on my breasts at home. The self-exam was branded in my brain by my mom who lost a sister to breast cancer at a young age. I remember feeling it. It felt like a pebble or the size of a pea in my right breast. And it was close to the skin at about the 4:00 position. I panicked. I yelled down to my ex-husband, “Something is wrong. I feel something in there”. He felt it too. He was calm, which was his demeanor all of the time and of course I was panicking. It didn’t hurt. But I knew this might not be good. That next morning I called my OB and went in right away. She then referred me to a breast surgeon.

I was in the surgeons office(who shall remain nameless) who did the exam and was told I had a cyst in my right breast. The doctor had a difficult time aspirating the “cyst” and decided that it was nothing and I should come back in 6 months. Fortunately, I went back. This time the cyst was aspirated. Not thinking it was anything, I left the doctor’s office with a clear mind and not a care in the world. 3 days later? I get a phone call at work around lunchtime and these words come out:

“Dr ____________ needs to see you today in her office”

I hung up the phone and immediately texted my then husband.

• “She wants to see me today. I know its cancer”
• “You don’t know that. Think positive”
• “Why the hell would she need to see me today. Doctors aren’t going to bring you all the way to a doctors office to tell you good news”

I remember having a breakdown. I remember going into our conference room with Joanna and just losing it. I knew it was bad. I just knew it. I am even tearing up writing this because it still brings me right back to that time of my life when all things just simply changed.

I remember going to her office. It was late because we both worked and we didn’t get there until around 5:00. Nobody was in the office except the surgeon. We walked into her office and I remember this clearly about how messy her desk was. Papers everywhere. We sat down and she looked for my file.

“It’s here somewhere”

Proceeds to look. I am thinking to myself, “You have to be fucking kidding me”.

“Oh here it is……..yes you have cancer………blah blah blah blah blah blah”

I mean I just blanked out. Maybe blacked out. I don’t really know. You hear stories all of the time when people get diagnosed and then the rest of the info the doctor is telling you just literally goes in one ear and out of the other. Well, it is true. At that point she decided she was going to schedule a lumpectomy, where they simply remove the tumor. The surgery was scheduled but she also wanted me to have a MRI. Not thinking anything of it I went for the MRI. Now let me tell you something a breast MRI is possibly the worst thing I have ever endured. To be put on your stomach with your arms raise up for a half an hour and put into a basically a tomb is completely awful. You can’t move. If you move, you ruin the MRI and have to go through it all again. I got about 25 minutes in and started panicking.

“When are you going to be done? I need out of here!”
“Just a few more minutes Ms Terrigno”

When that thing shut off, I literally flew out of there. I can’t believe in this day and age of technology we can’t come up with a better device. It is ridiculous. A few days later, with my surgery scheduled in a few days, I get yet ANOTHER call at work for the MRI results. This time it’s the surgeon calling me:

“Hi Mrs Terrigno. We have your results in and we found some other areas we are concerned with so we are cancelling the lumpectomy and we are going to now have to do a core biopsy”

This is all over the phone, in my cubicle, at work. Again, I have another breakdown and I leave work. I can’t believe this. How did this go from being a cyst to my worst nightmare? I had the core biopsy done and it confirmed another area of cancer which was at the 8:00 position but back farther. It was at this point I decided to switch doctors and went to Dr. Robert Shenk at University Hospitals. There was no way in hell I was allowing this woman to operate on me. She would never return my phone calls when I would call asking a question. Her demeanor sucked. And I couldn’t get it out of my head how unsupportive she was when she told me I had cancer. Maybe she was used to telling women their worst nitghmare but there was zero compassion.

Switching doctors for me was a massive blessing in disguise. From Dr Shenk to Dr Soltanian, my plastic surgeon, to Dr Silverman, my oncologist, I can’t praise them enough. Although Dr Shenk, is all business, he is the best of the best at UH. I can’t count how many times when I was at UH and asked who my surgeon was the reply back to me was :

“You have the best. He’s amazing”

And same goes for Dr. Soltanian and Dr. Silverman. Just amazing doctors who always had your back. Also, my survivorship RN Marla Sustin. I can’t tell you how awesome she has been for me. Anything I need, I can email or call her and she always gets back to me.

As well all know the story didn’t stop there. I was diagnosed again on the left side in 2012. It was a very early cancer which was contained within the ducts but I decided at that time to just be done with it and do the mastectomy & reconstruction with the same doctors. No chemo this time but I went on Lupron for a year then had my ovaries out in December of 2013 since I was high risk for ovarian cancer.

For everyone who stuck by me, I want to thank you. For those that listened to me cry & bitch(especially the girls at The Gathering Place), I want to thank you. For those that treated me like crap, ignored me, avoided me, etc during those times, I don’t forget. You learn a lot about people in your darkest days. You learn who true friends are and who are too selfish to put their big girl/boy boots on and not make it about THEM. I learned little things like a hug can make your crappiest day a lot better. I learned not to tell people to “just deal with it” when they are angry. I learned it’s okay to be pissed off at the world because it isn’t fair that anyone has to go through this. And lastly, I learned that you do need to live every day like it is your last one. If you want to go meet Sarah McLachlan, you go and meet Sarah McLachlan. I am.


Peace & love……peace & love

B-

"Don't Let Me Down Easy"

I know I have been bad with the blogging lately. I just have been bogged down at work and then ended up getting sick which lasted about two weeks. So much so during the Kim Richey show at the Beachland Ballroom, I didn't think I was going to make it through her set. But I powered through it and saw an awesome show. And as you will see in the above video for one of my favorite songs by her "Don't Let Me Down Easy" she is amazing.


So this blog is just going to be random babbling since that is about where my brain is lately


☻ Sleeping: I have been having a hard time lately and struggling with insomnia. At first, I thought it was from the Mucinex I was taking, which I am sure didn't help my cause. However, now that I have been off of that for a week, I am still having a hard time. So klonopin has been my saving grace right now. I am thinking this is stemming from the menopause from the ovaries being removed. It sucks though. To be so tired you can not fall asleep can make you crazy or crazier in my case.

☻ Love: No complaints here! Everything is going great between Brian and I. I know thats cheesey and hokey. I hate people like that. But it's true. We are going to be moving in together in the next month or so which is very exciting. I am more just worried about where we are going to put everything so I might need another garage sale

☻ Browns: I am very excited about what the front office is doing. I was a little hesitant on the whole Alex Mack negotiation but when all was said and done I feel both sides got a great deal. As far as who they should pick with that #4 pick in the upcoming draft? I still say Sammy Watkins. I know we need a franchise QB but I am not sold on anyone that high. Watkins is a no brainer there. I just have this feeling though that the Browns are going to surprise us and take someone we aren't expecting.

☻ Sarah McLachlan: Well I did it. I am finally going to get a chance to meet her. On July 13, 2014 Brian and I are sitting in the front row at Toledo Zoo Amphitheatre and then we are going to do a meet and greet with her(or maybe it is before the show I am not exactly sure yet). Being a fan for 20 years, it has always been a dream of mine to meet her and just simply tell her how much her music has helped me get through some horrible points in my life. You know like the cancer shit and a divorce. I always have been a believer that music can pull you out of your darkest days and her music has done that for me so many times.

☻ Health: I am doing very well health wise. On April 23rd, it will be my SIX year anniversary from my first diagnosis. A girl never forgets that diagnosis date. Ever. So I plan on celebrating that day. I can not believe it has been 6 years. It will be 2 years next month since my second diagnosis. However, I am going to stick with the April 23rd date the rest of my time on this planet as that is the date that changed my life forever.

Hope everyone is well!

XOXO-
B