"These Are The Days"

I borrowed this from one of the "Notes" I wrote on Facebook 4 years ago. But hanging with Jan this past weekend reminded me of how great of a time I had in college in Toledo and how awesome the people I met in those 4 years are.

Monday, January 26, 2009 at 9:52am

Hanging out with my old friends from college and seeing the University of Toledo this past weekend sure brought back some great memories. It kind of makes me sad in a way to think about it. I think about how easy life was when you were in college. Your biggest worry being taking exams, getting decent enough grades, and how the hell you were going to sneak in to The Stein being underage.

College life for me was simply fun. I met so many amazing people. Mostly through my sorority: Gamma Delta Xi. And really I never would have if it werent for Heather. We were freshmen and living in Carter West. I was very anti sorority. Not my scene. Heather saw some flier they put up in our dorm for a Gamma Delta Xi rush. She wanted to go and asked me to go. "No way", I told her. She asked me just to go one night with her...so I said I would but I wasnt happy about it

I remember going to the rush event and we were sitting a a big table of about 15-20 girls or so. They made us play this stupid name game. For example, you would have to say your name and say an animal that started with the first letter in your name along with a motion. So mine was, my is Barra, like Bear, ROAR.



I remember kicking Heather under the table like 10 times because I was like "WTF is this??????"

Funny thing is I remembered everyones name because of this. And then I realized how much I actually liked these girls. Many of whom were like me. I really didnt like the people on my dorm floor. Lots of bitches. Lots of WEIRDOS. So I then attended the next rush event which I believe was bowling at U Lanes.

I know alot of people think sororities are a way to "buy" friends but ours was different. We were a local sorority meaning we didnt have a house. We paid a minimal quarterly fee and that was about it. It was great because now I had people I could relate to. Who were fun. Who werent too crazy....but knew how to have a good time. Who always made me laugh. I dont think I ever laughed so much in my life then I did in college.

I decided to leave the sorority my senior year. Basically most of my friends who I started with either had graduated, were about to graduate or dropped out for one reason or another at some point. I also needed to just focus on graduating. I screwed around so much my freshmen year I had to go to summer school to make up some credits and I wanted to go through graduation at the same time as Jan and Heather.

So to all of you I met through Gamma Delta Xi I think you are awesome. Thank you for the laughs, thank you for the smiles, and most of all thank you for awesome memories. Although my memory is a bit hazy with everything I have gone through recently, I came up with some doozies:

1) This was discussed Saturday---Running through University Circle apartments falling and ripping my jeans as Torrey fell over me. I think we were running because the police came to Tanya, Amber and Patty's apartment..but this is hazy

2) Scavenger hunt for one of our rush events. Nothing like asking boys for condoms.

3) Panama City with Tanya and Patty. I remember my mom freaking because I was 19 and going to Florida. I was acutually very well behaved although got the sunburn from HELL

4) Karaoke in The Attic. I dont know why but I have this really strong memory of doing "Should I Stay Or Go" with 7 drunk sorority sisters.

5)Going to ladies night at Club Bijou every Thursday downtown.

6)Going to Cleveland for one of our formals. We didnt buy beer because Dude thought we could buy beer for the hotel in downtown Cleveland. We couldnt since our hotel was nowhere near a store...so all we had was Jack Daniels. That was ugly

7) Patty always sneaking me & Heather into the Stein. We were only 18 so Patty would speak to the guy checking ID's at the door...he was like Arab or something..I cant remember his name. Sometimes we snuck in...sometimes we got grabbed by the shoulder and caught

8) Tracy putting self tanner all over herself and not blending it in....she was orange and had handprints all over her legs

9) Going to UT football games with "hot chocolate" in the thermos....well it also had Peppermint Schnapps in it

10) Playing drums with Jan at the TKE(whore house) at a party one night. I will never forget trying to play "Pour Some Sugar On Me".

"Everythings Gonna Be Good"

5 years ago today my life was changed forever. I remember getting that call at work and I will never forget it. I remember sitting in that doctors office and telling me I have breast cancer and then I went into shock. I remember just telling my ex-husband that he needs to take me to the nearest bar and we went to BW3's. I knew I couldnt sit home or I would have a breakdown. I remember wondering how the fuck am I going to tell my mom. Her sister died of breast cancer.

4 years later I get diagnosed again on the other side. My one year anniversary is coming up in June. I think my life will always be full of anniversaries, however, at least I am on this planet to enjoy them. I plan on celebrating this weekend when my college BFF, Jan, also a cancer survivor, comes to visit. We are hitting a winery, dinner then ending up at Gunselmans...of course. :)

Thank you to all of my awesome friends and family who stuck by me through all of this crap. You know who you are......

Below is just a little video of some of my favorite pics this past year set to Kim Richey's "Everythings Gonna Be Good".


XOXO-
B

"The Impression That I Get"

Perception: How others view you. How others make assumptions about you. How others think they know how you are feeling. The impression that they get from your actions.

I am not going to divulge who said this to me or where they said it. That's really not important. But if there is one thing I can honestly recommend to those that are reading this right now is to never tell someone whos been through something difficult in their life to either "Get over it" or tell them to "move on" or tell them that at times they can be "too negative".

I can tell you that when this was said to me I saw red for a moment. There is a point at which I can only take so much and if you really want to piss me off you can tell me how I should be feeling. Others have done this to me and they are no longer a part of my life. Until you have been through what I have been through you can take your judgements and shove them up your ass.

There is one thing that I will never apologize for and thats me voicing my feelings, my anger and/or my sadness. Too many times many of you try and act like these things should never be discussed. Its taboo. Its private. And everyone deals with their shit their own way. But if I wear my heart on my sleeve, don't throw it my face. And please don't act like you know how I feel. You have not:

*Lost 2 boobs
*Went through reconstruction twice and developed a hematoma the first time around and had to have emergency surgery to have it removed
*Went through chemo
*Lost your hair
*Gained weight
*Bones that hurt from the minute you wake up
*Suffered from insomnia
*Suffered from hot flashes
*Have to have a hysterectomy
*Oh and went through a divorce



So excuse me if I seem a little grumpy at times. Every day I look in the mirror and I see my scars. I see what was left behind from breast cancer. I do not look like my friends. I look different. I will never be the same. I dont know if I will ever regain my confidence back. Yet you are going to sit there and tell me how I should handle myself? Am I angry. Yes I am angry. I am pissed quite honestly and you know what: THATS OKAY.

Last week I went back on the Lupron. 3 month shot put into one big, ass needle. This one hurt. And it burned. A week later I am starting to feel the effects. The hot flashes have been bad. REAL BAD. Today has been the worst. Every ten minutes I feel like I am on fire. What sucks is when I am at the gym and on the treadmill. You are already sweating by working out and now I am getting whammied from the drug. Awful just awful. I dont feel like myself lately. I am sure alot of it stems from the Lupron but I just feel sad and out of the loop or something. I feel really lonely. I am starting to feel like I will never find anyone. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I just feel like time is passing me by so fast. I dont want to be alone with cats all of my life. I truly dont.

Have a great weekend everyone-

XOXO-
B