"Survivor"

One of the dates that is engraved in your memory, as someone who has had cancer, is the date you were diagnosed. So here is my question? What date do I "celebrate"? April 23, 2008 when I was first diagnosed or June 7, 2012 when I was diagnosed again? Or do you celebrate twice? By all means I am up for a party. What is your opinion?

It is just over 8 months since my surgery. Well the mastectomy. I forgot I had THREE surgeries last year. Ductogram, mastectomy and reconstruction swap. No wonder my memory is bad at times. Anesthesia brain chased by some Gunselmans brain. I am still not completely done with the reconstruction. I have some other things I need to do. Well I dont NEED to do them. They are more optional. I just honestly dont want the doctor bill. Even through insurance "covers" it, I still have an out of pocket max. I am also waiting to see the onocologist about the Lupron. I was supposed to go Wednesday but with the horrible weather I rescheduled to March 6th. One of the options I want to discuss is a hysterectomy. Again though, I dont want to have that this year. I am tired. It is not a life or death surgery if I dont have it right now. It's more for peace of mind if anything. I just want to enjoy 2013. I turn the big 4-0 this year in September.

Speaking of that, the girls and I(Elise, Maggie, Kim and Gilly--Eileen will be having her second baby and unfortunately cant join us) have rented a house in Put In Bay for a weekend in May to celebrate us turning 40. Although some of us(Gilly) will be turning 41 this year . Then my plan is to go to Vegas in October to see Jimmy Buffett at MGM Grand to celebrate my 40th.



Jimmy plays Vegas every October for 2 Saturdays. Its been on my bucket list to see him there(I have seen him numerous times before but never Vegas). I thought maybe the Keys but I am leaning more towards Vegas this point. I mean what the hell right? I am a strong believer in living in the now. I dont have kids, I have nothing tying me down. And honestly, if anything my journey has taught me is you better get out and enjoy life before it passes you by.

Anyways, life is good right now. I really am in a routine at the gym which I enjoy. I am hoping that since I am stopping the Lupron the pain in my joints stops. I have some great concerts coming up in the next month and a half: Whitehorse March 4th at Beachland, Pink March 6th in Columbus, Griffin House April 5th at Beachland, and Kim Richey April 11th at Beachland. It is pretty cool to have 4 of your favorite artists all touring at the same time!

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay warm!

XOXO-
B

"Bills, Bills, Bills"

It has been a frustrating week for me personally and professionally but everything ironed out...for the most part. Work is work. We all have those days where you are up to your eyeballs in issues. Eventually they work themselves out. I look at it this way: Its not life or death. I am not a doctor or a nurse.

Wednesday morning I opened up my email to find out I had a bill from UH for almost $700. I about threw up when I saw it. It was for my shot in January. I had not received a bill for my previous shots because I had reached my out of pocket max in 2012. So I had really no clue how much these shots were. The shot is almost $4,000. That would be:




Needless to say I panicked:

"Are you fucking kidding me??!!"
"Who can afford this??"
"What the hell am I going to do?"

I got into work and immediately emailed Marla my nurse practitioner. Explained the situation and she understood my challenge. I mean $700 a month? I cant do it. Hell, who can? And I am not happy about $700!! But I guess I know where most of my tax return is going to, right? I have an appointment with her next week. We will go over my options. One of which is a hysterectomy to remove my ovaries. Only question is:

WILL INSURANCE COVER IT?

Insurance companies are not going to pay for a surgery you don't need. So its my doctors job to explain why I need this. Why I am high risk. Why I need my ovaries out. And the reason why, for some that are wondering, is that breast cancer feeds off of hormones which your ovaries produce. That is why I was on Lupron. Lupron shuts your ovaries down. So if there is any cancer cell that got away from my chemo 5 years ago or from my recent diagnosis, I have a higher chance of ovarian cancer then a "normal" female. My other option would be to go back on Tamoxifen which I was on for almost 5 years last time. This is a much cheaper option. It is not as effective as Lupron but a good alternative. My plan is to go on that for awhile and, if approved by insurance, do the hysterectomy next year. I do not want to do any surgeries this year. Sorry, but no. I am tired. My body aches. I just need a break.

Speaking of my body aching, the Lupron is doing a number. In a way I am glad I am getting off of it. I cant tell you how much pain I am in. Knees, ankles and hips. When sitting at work, then I get up to walk, I feel like I am 95. I am constantly stretching. What scares me is if what would be happening if I wasnt getting to the gym 5 days a week?

On a positive note, my $6,000 bill that Anthem wasnt going to cover as a part of my reconstruction surgery in November was all cleared up officially yesterday. I followed up with the head of billing at UH to see where it was and she confirmed that the bill had been paid. I felt so much better knowing that. Look, I am a single girl and I have no means to be fighting this out with a lawyer. I knew I was right. I knew what the law said. What frustrates me is that people coded something wrong and didnt do THEIR job. And shit like this stresses me out.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Kim, Brian and I are going to dinner. I am taking her out for her 40th as a part of her gift(her other part being Griffin House tickets. Then we will probably head up to Gunselmans for drinks. I am looking forward to a fun night out!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

XOXO
B

"White Blank Page'

I saw my ex husband this weekend. I threw a suprise 40th birthday for a good friend of mine. They still talk. I invited him. Many people came up to me and said, "I cant believe you invited him", "You are a better person than I am". Look, I am in a no win situation there. If I dont invite him, I look like a jerk and selfish. If do invite him, I have to look at him and be sad. So I sucked up my pride and invited him. I am not sure people knew how hard that was for me when I did that. Probably because most of you have never been through what I have been through:

2008-2012: Diagnosed with cancer twice and went through a divorce

We talked briefly. It is so bizarre how someone you were with for 15 years of your life, now, is like a complete stranger to you. Looking at him, I was taken aback at how different he looked. Much thinner than the last time I saw him. I always thought of him as my protector. Now? It looked like I could be protecting him. And that is okay. We all change over time. God knows I look different as well. It has been almost 3 years since our divorce was finalized and I can finally say that I am completely over it. Him being there was fine. I didnt even really think about him when I was there among all of my friends. For once, I can finally say:



I am always amazed how people who are in long term relationships, whether dating or were married, just end them and start dating other people right away. How are you healed from that so quickly? I guess people deal with things differently. I am one who needs my space and time apparently. I do not think jumping into something is the right way to go about things. I felt way too vulnerable after our divorce. I felt I would not be making proper decisions because of it. Sure I dated. But when your heart isnt into something 150%, its not fair to that other person. Top that off with another cancer diagnosis and its alot for someone to deal with.

I am a white blank page. Ready to start a new chapter in my life. It took me three long years to get there. But I am there. This isn't to say I am searching high & low for someone to share my life with. Not by any means. I am just saying I am finally, truly open to the idea should it happen. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That being said, if any of you know of anybody who might be a good match you know where to find me. Just please make sure they:


•Dont crack their gum when they chew it
•Have a job
•Dont make weird sounds like they have tourette's
•Likes cats
•At least 5'11. Normally I would say 6'0 but I am sacrificing an inch here
•Doesn't wear a pinky ring
•Don't root for the Steelers


If you find me Mr. Right, I will buy you a beer at Gunselmans.

XOXO-
B