"What's New Pussycat?"

Is the Browns coaching search giving you a headache like it is for me? I am still baffled at the Chud firing. In some ways I get it based on the rumors of WHY he was fired (e.g. starting Weeden over Hoyer, not cutting Greg "Stonehands" Little). However, how the hell do Mike Lombardi and Joe Banner get away clean as a whistle? After all, they are responsible for the roster. I never liked the hiring of these two dolts in the first place and they are proving me right. I think Chud got a raw deal. Was he perfect? Absolutely not. But Jimmy Haslam did what typical corporate America does: Fires the wrong dude and lets the inmates run the asylum. He is always talking about "getting it right". Well Jimmy you better hope you get it right this time. You have set a very dangerous prescedent with the firing of Chud after one season. So much so, I do not know who the hell in their right mind would be willing to take this job even with the cap room and draft picks available. I know I would be looking over my shoulder all of the time. And to be micro managed by Larry and Curly would drive me crazy.

My Christmas was very nice. I had surgery to remove my ovaries on December 19th. Overall, it went very well. It took me about 5 days to feel more like myself. The bloating was just a killer. Since it is done laparoscopically, they put air in your abdomen. This was neither fun nor funny. I couldnt even get jeans on until Christmas Eve and even that was uncomfortable. I had 3 small stitches from the surgery and those have healed nicely. I feel pretty good all things considered. My side effects right now are some hot flashes, insomnia, and some mood swings. I am trying to deal with these the best way I can. Don't forget this is my second time through this crap. I had the same side effects with the Lupron so I at least know what to expect. It is just difficult at times for me to keep a happy face on. So if I seem grumpy or moody please cut me some slack. Just remember if you are female and reading this, you will be going through this same very thing sooner or later. So dont judge!

And no I am not upset about my ovaries being out thus resulting in me not being able to conceive naturally. I am completely at peace with my decision. Look, I have had cancer TWICE. It would be completely foolish of me, IN MY OPINION, to put myself at risk for a third cancer diagnosis. So please do not feel bad for me. I am seriously so happy with my life right now. I have a great boyfriend and I have two furry kids. I can not ask more than that. So remember not everyone has to have children to be considered a complete individual. Sometimes shit happens out of our control. Sometimes it's a persons personal choice. Whatever the case is, respect it. Don't judge.

Peace and love....peace and love

B-

"Where'd You Go"?

Long time no see everyone. Sorry I have been so MIA lately with this blog. I promise I will be better in the new year. So what is going on in the life of Barra lately? Well let’s see………

As far as my health goes, everything is going well. I had my last Lupron shot on October 3rd. And now will have my ovaries removed on December 19th. Since I have had breast cancer twice at such a young age, I am higher risk for ovarian cancer. This is more of a preventative measure. Many people have asked me how I feel about the surgery considering it completely ends any chance of me having my own children naturally. Last week I was sitting at the gym working on crunches and I stopped to think about it. How final it is. How it means there are no children in my future. It made me cry. But I do not regret my decision. My reality is I am 40. A pregnancy right now would be deemed very high risk anyways for a “normal” 40 year old let alone someone who has had the health issues I have had.

It is something that I have come to terms with—not having kids. I know I joke around a lot that kids are a pain in the ass and very expensive. And well…they are. My only concern is me getting to the age of 50 and having regrets of not having them. But then I think to myself even IF I wanted one right this second, how would I even do it? I can’t afford any of the options and that is the sad reality. I remember one time during our counseling sessions, my ex husband said something to me, “Maybe if we would have had kids things would be different”. That always bothered me that he made that comment. As if having kids would have changed the issues we were having in the first place? Hell no. All I kept thinking to myself was, “Thank god we didn’t have them because I don’t know how I would have done it living on my own and one income”. Hell I don’t know how any of you do it with two incomes. I know I probably would be living with my parents right now for sure. And right now I am battling medical bills again from the ultrasound. I swear I can never get or will get out of this debt. And the sad thing is: I HAVE INSURANCE.

All that being said, I am very fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. So if they are my alternative to children I will gladly take it. They say things happen for a reason. I am not sure what the reasoning is as to why my path was to get cancer twice, go through a divorce and never have kids. But maybe it just wasn’t supposed to happen for me just….because. Maybe there isnt a reason. Maybe its just sheer shitty luck?

That’s ok. I have a great guy in my life now. I am happier than I ever been. It is nice to be with someone who wants to have fun, likes to hang out with me, shares similar interests, and I guess just lets me be me, even when I am crazy yelling at the tv watching the Browns. I can not predict the future nor do I want to but lets just say I am happy where things are and see a great road together. For that alone, I hit the jackpot.

"Realize"

Sometimes things are in front of you face the entire time but you are too blind to see it. It may be because you have your attention turned to other aspects in your life. In my case it was my health. I had to put myself first and I couldn't mentally be there for someone when I was battling my fears, frustrations and my low self esteem. When you come to terms with those issues, the clouds part, the rainbows come out, and the birds sing. Ok no they really don't but you get my drift. You FINALLY realize what you have.

So what do I have? I am sure many of you could or have put two and two together. Brian and I have decided to start dating. It seems like a no brainer to me now but before it just was not possible for various reasons. After a brutal support group one night in June, I walked out of there thinking I am fortunate to be on this planet alive. What the fuck am I doing? I cried the whole way home. The stories I heard that night hit me so very hard. Women who were probably going to die soon. We did, in fact, lose one of our members not too long after that meeting which even made me think harder about my life and what was missing from it. Here I am. I beat cancer not once but twice. So I decided right then and there, I need to take a chance and see if Brian would be interested in trying to date.

Brian and I have always had a connection. I trust very few people in my life. I know I can always count on him. One of the things I completely love about him is his kindness and his courtesy. It may seem small but one morning after I made us breakfast, he went and cleaned the dishes. Listen up men: You need to take notes. Our time together is always fun. We laugh alot. And he treats me with nothing but respect. He is always willing to do things. We have alot in common and did I mention we laugh alot? Oh and Sam completely loves him(Bug is just a weirdo and hides from everyone).

I am so happy at where we are. Where it will lead I do not know but I am glad I finally woke up and took a chance. You only have one life on this planet. When you are too worried about what everyone else is thinking, time flies by and before you know it, you are alone. I dont want to be alone. I want to be loved. I want to grow old with someone.

Next week I turn 40. Yes 40. I feel good about it though. I am feeling healthy, working out 4-5 days a week, taking on a new side job working with Social Media for Gunselman's, which I am hoping will transpire into a second career (Blog on that to follow soon!), and now I have Brian in my life. I am blessed. Truly blessed.

If there is one thing I would tell you all that are reading this is you should never settle. You shouldn't be in a relationship you are unhappy in. You shouldn't keep people(friends, family, etc) around in your life that do not give you the same return on investment that you give them. Life is too short. Life can be over in a second. Don't live your life thinking "I should have done that" or "I wish I would have tried that". You need to put yourself first. You need to put your happiness first. You need to do what you need to do.

I know I have not been blogging as much but I do not like to write to fill space. I only write when I truly have something to say or I am passionate about an issue. Well finally I have something to be passionate about. :)

XOXO-
B

Kiss my ass Roger Goodell

So I am going to veer off course a bit and vent about this new NFL rule that the geniuses at the No Fun League(AKA NFL) have decided to come up with. NO PURSES.

This is of course supposed to keep us safer in all NFL stadiums in light of the Boston marathon bombing. I am not going to make light of that situation. We all know it was horrible. But to now tell women they have the option of shoving all of their shit into their pockets or in some shitty ass clear bag is ridiculous. Mind you the NFL sells these lovely novelties at their Pro Shop online for a mere $10. Aint it perrrrty?



Oh but wait it gets better. Based on the guidelines, if you DO bring a purse in, it can be no bigger than 4.5 inches by 6.5. Are you ready for this one? Below is a picture of my hand next to my Browns bag that I own. Now granted I have big hands, but this bag is deemed TOO LARGE to bring into the stadium(its 6 inches wide by 8 inches high!)



So picture it: your keys, ID, tampons, phone, & money all on display for everyone to see. Roger Goodell must not give two shits about the safety of his female fans. Where is one going to put this sweet, clear bag when they stand up to cheer their team on? Oh wait this is the Browns we are talking about. We get in trouble when we stand at games. And who are we kidding? There hasn't been anything to cheer about since 1985. But seriously, if I am at the game and I happen to get up to cheer with the bag left on my chair or on the ground, whos to say people arent eyeing my stuff? I always bring a purse to games that I can carry across my body. Nothing big--nothing huge. But I feel safer knowing my purse is attached to me. Mark my word, you are going to hear about many women getting their shit stolen because of this new rule.

Are we REALLY safer with not allowing women to bring purses in? The MLB doesnt do it(yet), the NBA doesnt do it(yet), you can go to Cedar Point with thousands and thousands of people with a purse, you can fly on an airplane with a purse after screening. What was wrong with having bags checked like we have for years and years to enter the stadium? Are your security people really that incompetent?

Does the NFL think they can completely just be blatantly sexist? Arent the people getting in trouble for this sort of behavior almost all men. Can someone name me the most recent female bomber in the United States? Thats not to say, by any means, it could never happen but how are you going to sit there and tell my purse is a far bigger threat then the drunken idiots you allow into your gates every Sunday? Or the NFL players that continue to get into trouble for domestic violence, drugs and even murder? Seems to me you may want to spend more time screening your players than worrying about little ol' me and my Coach purse. Am I REALLY going to believe that Jimmy Haslams wife is going to be carrying around a clear plastic purse inside First Energy Stadium? Bitch please.

Well I gotta go---I have to get back to the kitchen, do some laundry, and keep my mouth shut----right Roger?

"Sand & Water"

I dont know how anybody listens to "Sand & Water" and doesnt cry. The song is about the singer/songwriter, Beth Nielsen Chapman's, loss of her husband, Ernest, to cancer. I remember hearing this song when my aunt died of breast cancer and it just has always stuck with me. Beth is a also a breast cancer survivor.


Wednesday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed away from breast cancer on July 7th. Sharon was a woman who I met at the Gathering Place at my Young Women with Breast Cancer support group. Sharon was from England and I always admired her spunk. She told you like it was. No bullshit. No nonsense. Just honest. It made me laugh how she would swear in her accent but she did it in a way that was so nice. I was saddened to hear the news of her passing. Shocked actually.

Sitting in the memorial Wednesday, I looked at her family. Her daughter is 4 and her son is 6. I watched them. And I thought, "They are just too young to be living without their mother". As the pictures of her family scrolled on the screen, I watched intently. What I learned from those pictures was how much love she had for her family. How she lived every day like it would be her last. Sharons diagnosis was not good. She knew this. So she made the most out of her last days on this earth. I admire that in her.

Listening to David give a eulogy on Sharon was beautiful. The love these two shared was obvious. But it was also heartbreaking to hear. It makes you think about your life. What would people say about me if I died? Would people have positive things to say about me? Did I do enough in this world to warrant respect?

Below is a poem by David Harkins that was read at the service. I have never heard it before but I thought it was just simply beautiful:


She Is Gone


You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.





I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be safe, enjoy your friends & family and do so with a smile on your face.

XOXO
B

"Feeling Good"

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine was super busy and fantastic. It started off on Wednesday. I had 2 doctor appointments that day. My first one was with Dr Zanotti who is now my new OBGYN. This is where the guys should be warned:




This is where I talk about girly things so either bypass this paragraph or keep on reading I wanted to discuss with her my options of either a hysterectomy(removing all of my girly parts) or an oophorectomy(removal of just the ovaries). The reason is because breast cancer is linked to ovarian cancer. My doctor explained to me that while she would do a hyserectomy on me, there was no link between uterine cancer and breast cancer. Also, one of the possible things that can happen to you if you have a hyserectomy is that your bladder can drop. Ummm excuse me? That being said I am opting for the oophorectomy which will be December 19th. It is a relatively easy surgery. I will be taking off December 19th until January 2nd though. I figure that gives me more than enough time for recovery.


My second appointment was immmediately after with Marla who is my onco nurse. Good news is I am 6 pounds down in a month plus blood pressure was down. At first I was a little upset, I felt for sure it was more. But to be fair, I had not weighed myself since April so it very well could be more. I did not change my diet and exercise habits until June 1. That being said I was still happy with my progress. I also had my second to last shot. My last shot will be October 3rd and no more are needed since I will be having my ovaries removed. I have been asked am I okay with that considering that means I will never be able to have children and truthfully I am. Look, kids apparently were never in my cards. I am almost 40 and have dealt with more health issues in my 39 years than many people who are twice my age. I am lucky to be even typing this blog. I am fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. What more can I ask for?

Speaking of my nephew, I took him for his "Fun Day" on Friday. We got the Cleveland Natural History Museum as there is a shark exhibit there and my nephew really is interested in sharks(thanks to me and my brothers fascination with the best movie ever.. "Jaws").




He enjoyed the exhibit and really liked the live animals that they have outside(everything from a fox, bobcat, bald eagle, etc). Which there was a funny conversation in the animal exhibit. We were walking around and there was a cutout of a bison behind us:

Aidan: "Oh my god I thought that was real!"

Me: "Good thing its not. I run slow!"

Aidan: "You do? I run slower than Jason Giambi!"


I dont know where this kid comes up with this stuff but it cracked me up. And Indians fans will understand that dialogue! After that I took him to Paninis for lunch where he scarfed down some cheesey bacon fries and some pizza. This is when he told me he was saving room for dessert as Friendlys was on our way back home. We stopped at Friendlys and the kid polished off about 75% of a 3 scoop ice cream sundae. All in all it was a great day and alot of fun. I really cherish moments like this as the kids are growing up so fast!

I hope everyone had a fantastic 4th. Life is great!

XOXO-
B

"Fat Bottomed Girls"

I am feeling good. Really good. Changing my lifestyle was a blessing. Look I am an emotional eater. And seeing that my life was basically hell the past 5 years, I always turned to food to comfort me. Add onto that chemo, steroids, Lupron and not moving your ass you gain weight. I finally just got sick of it and decided I needed to do something. And I refuse to do something that is going to cost me money, like Weight Watchers. I dont think you should have to pay someone to tell you that you need to change your diet. I know it works for alot of people. But I just think that you cant rely on something like that forever. Is it a great starting point? Sure. But lifetime member? I dont think so.

So one day I decided---how am I going to change this? What are my weaknesses? #1 weakeness...Carbs.







I looked at what I was eating at home and at work. I knew what needed to be changed. I had to remove all of these as much as possible from both places since this is where I spend 90% of my time. I replaced them with proteins. I replaced them with veggies. Anything but sugar, starches, etc. I stopped those high sodium loaded "Lean" Cuisines and replaced them with salads full of veggies and grilled chicken. Now this is not to say I dont eat carbs at all. Come on....thats crazy. Last time I checked, beer is full of carbs. That being said, Gunselmans has been seeing less of me. I am trying to limit myself to weekends only.

Another great tool, if you are looking to lose some weight is the 'My Fitness Pal" app. I strongly urge you to get this to keep track of your calories. It is fantastic. What is really cool is you can scan your food items via the bar code on the package and it will give you the calorie count. What I also really enjoy is it takes into consideration your exercise time. So if you work out for an hour, it gives you extra calories for the day since you burned off a said amount from that workout. I am on a 1,200 calorie diet. Some people have asked me if I am hungry and truthfully I am not. The first two weeks were tough. I wont lie. But once you get through that initial two weeks, it is pretty simple. You figure out what you can have and what you cant have and coordinate your meals. I eat alot of chicken, tilapia and veggies. I also am far more aware of calorie counts from that app.

Again, I do not weigh myself. I find that such a hinderance for me when I am trying to lose weight. Like I said, I am an emotional eater. If I do not lose weight and get frustrated, I might reach for a bag of chips to cope. So I base my weight loss on how I am feeling and how my clothes fit. And I can tell you they are getting looser. I will get weighed at my oncologist appointment on Wednesday so I will see the results. I am crossing my fingers that I see some great results.

That all being said I am doing very well right now healthwise. I also have my appointment next week with my new OBGYN to discuss my hysterectomy at then end of the year. That will remove my chances for any girl part cancers. Also will mean I can get off of this horrible Lupron. I am sure that will help in my weight loss too once I am off of this. other than that I am feeling really good and am so happy to get all of that cancer bullshit past me.

Have a great weekend everyone and an awesome 4th of July!

XOXO-
B