"Sand & Water"

I dont know how anybody listens to "Sand & Water" and doesnt cry. The song is about the singer/songwriter, Beth Nielsen Chapman's, loss of her husband, Ernest, to cancer. I remember hearing this song when my aunt died of breast cancer and it just has always stuck with me. Beth is a also a breast cancer survivor.


Wednesday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed away from breast cancer on July 7th. Sharon was a woman who I met at the Gathering Place at my Young Women with Breast Cancer support group. Sharon was from England and I always admired her spunk. She told you like it was. No bullshit. No nonsense. Just honest. It made me laugh how she would swear in her accent but she did it in a way that was so nice. I was saddened to hear the news of her passing. Shocked actually.

Sitting in the memorial Wednesday, I looked at her family. Her daughter is 4 and her son is 6. I watched them. And I thought, "They are just too young to be living without their mother". As the pictures of her family scrolled on the screen, I watched intently. What I learned from those pictures was how much love she had for her family. How she lived every day like it would be her last. Sharons diagnosis was not good. She knew this. So she made the most out of her last days on this earth. I admire that in her.

Listening to David give a eulogy on Sharon was beautiful. The love these two shared was obvious. But it was also heartbreaking to hear. It makes you think about your life. What would people say about me if I died? Would people have positive things to say about me? Did I do enough in this world to warrant respect?

Below is a poem by David Harkins that was read at the service. I have never heard it before but I thought it was just simply beautiful:


She Is Gone


You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.





I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be safe, enjoy your friends & family and do so with a smile on your face.

XOXO
B

"Feeling Good"

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July. Mine was super busy and fantastic. It started off on Wednesday. I had 2 doctor appointments that day. My first one was with Dr Zanotti who is now my new OBGYN. This is where the guys should be warned:




This is where I talk about girly things so either bypass this paragraph or keep on reading I wanted to discuss with her my options of either a hysterectomy(removing all of my girly parts) or an oophorectomy(removal of just the ovaries). The reason is because breast cancer is linked to ovarian cancer. My doctor explained to me that while she would do a hyserectomy on me, there was no link between uterine cancer and breast cancer. Also, one of the possible things that can happen to you if you have a hyserectomy is that your bladder can drop. Ummm excuse me? That being said I am opting for the oophorectomy which will be December 19th. It is a relatively easy surgery. I will be taking off December 19th until January 2nd though. I figure that gives me more than enough time for recovery.


My second appointment was immmediately after with Marla who is my onco nurse. Good news is I am 6 pounds down in a month plus blood pressure was down. At first I was a little upset, I felt for sure it was more. But to be fair, I had not weighed myself since April so it very well could be more. I did not change my diet and exercise habits until June 1. That being said I was still happy with my progress. I also had my second to last shot. My last shot will be October 3rd and no more are needed since I will be having my ovaries removed. I have been asked am I okay with that considering that means I will never be able to have children and truthfully I am. Look, kids apparently were never in my cards. I am almost 40 and have dealt with more health issues in my 39 years than many people who are twice my age. I am lucky to be even typing this blog. I am fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. What more can I ask for?

Speaking of my nephew, I took him for his "Fun Day" on Friday. We got the Cleveland Natural History Museum as there is a shark exhibit there and my nephew really is interested in sharks(thanks to me and my brothers fascination with the best movie ever.. "Jaws").




He enjoyed the exhibit and really liked the live animals that they have outside(everything from a fox, bobcat, bald eagle, etc). Which there was a funny conversation in the animal exhibit. We were walking around and there was a cutout of a bison behind us:

Aidan: "Oh my god I thought that was real!"

Me: "Good thing its not. I run slow!"

Aidan: "You do? I run slower than Jason Giambi!"


I dont know where this kid comes up with this stuff but it cracked me up. And Indians fans will understand that dialogue! After that I took him to Paninis for lunch where he scarfed down some cheesey bacon fries and some pizza. This is when he told me he was saving room for dessert as Friendlys was on our way back home. We stopped at Friendlys and the kid polished off about 75% of a 3 scoop ice cream sundae. All in all it was a great day and alot of fun. I really cherish moments like this as the kids are growing up so fast!

I hope everyone had a fantastic 4th. Life is great!

XOXO-
B

"Fat Bottomed Girls"

I am feeling good. Really good. Changing my lifestyle was a blessing. Look I am an emotional eater. And seeing that my life was basically hell the past 5 years, I always turned to food to comfort me. Add onto that chemo, steroids, Lupron and not moving your ass you gain weight. I finally just got sick of it and decided I needed to do something. And I refuse to do something that is going to cost me money, like Weight Watchers. I dont think you should have to pay someone to tell you that you need to change your diet. I know it works for alot of people. But I just think that you cant rely on something like that forever. Is it a great starting point? Sure. But lifetime member? I dont think so.

So one day I decided---how am I going to change this? What are my weaknesses? #1 weakeness...Carbs.







I looked at what I was eating at home and at work. I knew what needed to be changed. I had to remove all of these as much as possible from both places since this is where I spend 90% of my time. I replaced them with proteins. I replaced them with veggies. Anything but sugar, starches, etc. I stopped those high sodium loaded "Lean" Cuisines and replaced them with salads full of veggies and grilled chicken. Now this is not to say I dont eat carbs at all. Come on....thats crazy. Last time I checked, beer is full of carbs. That being said, Gunselmans has been seeing less of me. I am trying to limit myself to weekends only.

Another great tool, if you are looking to lose some weight is the 'My Fitness Pal" app. I strongly urge you to get this to keep track of your calories. It is fantastic. What is really cool is you can scan your food items via the bar code on the package and it will give you the calorie count. What I also really enjoy is it takes into consideration your exercise time. So if you work out for an hour, it gives you extra calories for the day since you burned off a said amount from that workout. I am on a 1,200 calorie diet. Some people have asked me if I am hungry and truthfully I am not. The first two weeks were tough. I wont lie. But once you get through that initial two weeks, it is pretty simple. You figure out what you can have and what you cant have and coordinate your meals. I eat alot of chicken, tilapia and veggies. I also am far more aware of calorie counts from that app.

Again, I do not weigh myself. I find that such a hinderance for me when I am trying to lose weight. Like I said, I am an emotional eater. If I do not lose weight and get frustrated, I might reach for a bag of chips to cope. So I base my weight loss on how I am feeling and how my clothes fit. And I can tell you they are getting looser. I will get weighed at my oncologist appointment on Wednesday so I will see the results. I am crossing my fingers that I see some great results.

That all being said I am doing very well right now healthwise. I also have my appointment next week with my new OBGYN to discuss my hysterectomy at then end of the year. That will remove my chances for any girl part cancers. Also will mean I can get off of this horrible Lupron. I am sure that will help in my weight loss too once I am off of this. other than that I am feeling really good and am so happy to get all of that cancer bullshit past me.

Have a great weekend everyone and an awesome 4th of July!

XOXO-
B

"Rain"

Perfect song on a gloomy day like this........seriously I am wearing a Toledo hoodie in June people!


I havent posted much lately. Mostly because, believe it or not, I havent had too much to say. So this blog is just going to be an update of where I am at right now physically and mentally.

In about a month, I have my first appointment with my new OBGYN who I will discuss my hysterectomy with with her, go over my options and, hopefully, schedule something for December. Once this is done, fingers crossed, this will be the last of my surgeries for a long ass time. I am scheduled for a shot of Lupron in July then my last one would be in October. I am really just looking forward to being done with all of this shit to be honest.

This past week I went to my support group at the Gathering Place for the first time in a few months. It is tough to go at times. Sometimes I just need to walk away from the stories but then I feel bad if I dont go. This past one was very difficult. So many horrible stories to hear. One that stuck with me was the girl who was a leukemia survivor but was in heart failure from her chemo. She then finds out she has breast cancer. The story affected me greatly. It made me question many things. People in my life. Religion. Everything.

I am not a religious person by any means. And if you are reading this and you are thats fine. I just have a hard time believing that "God" would continue to allow some of the crap I see. Has this poor girl not been through enough? I do not want this blog post to be some religious bashing or become an argument. I just have a hard time believing that God allowed Ariel Castro to torture, beat, and rape 3 women for 10 years and then gives cancer TWICE to people who are good people. Nobody can explain to me why this would be allowed. And even if you think you can justify that, please save your breath. There is nothing you can say that will justify that ever to me.

Completely on another topic, I started a low carb/high protein diet. I hate to say NO CARBS because its just not realistic. I am not eating any carbs for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Howevever, if I go out I will have them. I figure that if I can be good at home and at work, that is a winning battle in itself. I do feel a difference the past 2 weeks. My challenge is at home at night. I love chips, popcorn, etc. I just can not have them in my house. So its been sugar free fudgescicles or ricotta cremes(YUMMY!). So far so good!! I do not weigh myself because I will obsessed with it. Then I get pissed at the damn scale and eat everything in sight. I am totally an emotional eater. So dont ask me how much weight I have lost. I wont know. I will just know by the way my clothes feel.

Hmm what else? Vacation to South Carolina with the familia is in August. Really looking foward to that. Beach, sun, laughs and beer. Then in October will be Vega$. We got our Buffett tix at the MGM Grand and I am really looking forward to celebrating my 40th(a little late but thats ok!). Other than that, I am just kicking back and enjoying my summer. This summer wont be ruined from cancer!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO
B

"Teach Your Children"

So this is going to be one of those random blog posts where I have some random thoughts floating around in my noggin':

1) I never wrote anything about the Boston Bombing. I didnt want to be reactionary. I think, in this day and age, it is so easy to do that. I do not want to give the bombers anymore recognition than they already have received. However, I will say I am not sure how you stop something like this. I think one of the things we all need to do is be more aware of our surroundings. I am not blaming anyone here, just saying that if you see something you think is suspicious report it. I think too often we have people that just do not pay attention to obvious signs that someone is up to no good. Maybe its my previous retail work experience but I could tell you that 95% of the time when I thought someone was stealing from us, they were. Its gut instinct. Someone looks at you one way---you just know they are doing something wrong. I know I will be far more cautious in crowds. Looking people up and down. I will be far more vigilant in my neighborhood(yes I am speaking to you punk ass neighbor kid. If you think you are going to be shooting bb guns in your back yard, you have another thing coming....like the police at your front door.)

2) And while we are on the topic of kids.......what the hell is going on in this country with parents who have no clue where the hell their kids are? Recently, in North Olmsted, there was a 15 year old who was ran over by a hit and run driver at 11:30 PM on a Thursday night. Now I am not blaming this kid for being hit. But I am wondering...



Look we dont know the whole story. Maybe this kid snuck out but what is with parents these days? Recently I was at the gym and I was leaving while this kid(maybe 12?) was on the phone with his mom. He was begging her to let him go with his friends, down the street to the Circle K! The Circle K from the gym is almost a mile from the gym! As he left with his friends, I got into my car and waited at the light. I watched as 4 12 year old boys played chicken across Lorain Rd almost getting hit by traffic. Again......why is mom allowing him to go there?

And yes I KNOW I DONT HAVE KIDS. But jesus christ and a cracker, can you parents please start putting some restrictions on your children. You are not benefiting them by allowing them to do everything and giving them everything they ask for. It is okay to say:




3) Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, & Michelle Knight. 3 names the entire country knows about now. When I got a text from Brian that they found these girls, I think my jaw hit the floor. If you are from Cleveland, you should have heard Amanda Berry and/or Gina DeJesus' names at least once. We all know the story. I won't rehash it here. It's quite mind boggling and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. This much I do know though. We all failed these women. For someone to be able to hide these 3 away for 10 years is unacceptable to me. I keep hearing excuses about it being a bad neighborhood and people dont rat on each other, its normal for houses to look like that, yada yada yada.

Look--- until we, as a society, wake the fuck up and pay more attention to our surroundings, then shit like this will happen. If you see something out of the ordinary, report it to the police. If the police dont come, you call them again. Stop turning the other cheek. Shove into your childrens brains that they SHOULD NOT EVER....EVER get into a car with anyone other than a family member. I am not blaming these girls but again we are all too lax when it comes to people. We all need to have our guards up. We all need to start paying more attention to our surroundings and not our cell phones. When you walk around your neighborhoods, take a look at the homes. I bet you never really thought to do that until now. It is amazing what you might see now that you're paying closer attention. If those neighbors would have done that on Seymour Avenue, these girls may have been saved much sooner.


Peace and love.......peace and love(thank you Ringo Starr)


XOXO
B

"These Are The Days"

I borrowed this from one of the "Notes" I wrote on Facebook 4 years ago. But hanging with Jan this past weekend reminded me of how great of a time I had in college in Toledo and how awesome the people I met in those 4 years are.

Monday, January 26, 2009 at 9:52am

Hanging out with my old friends from college and seeing the University of Toledo this past weekend sure brought back some great memories. It kind of makes me sad in a way to think about it. I think about how easy life was when you were in college. Your biggest worry being taking exams, getting decent enough grades, and how the hell you were going to sneak in to The Stein being underage.

College life for me was simply fun. I met so many amazing people. Mostly through my sorority: Gamma Delta Xi. And really I never would have if it werent for Heather. We were freshmen and living in Carter West. I was very anti sorority. Not my scene. Heather saw some flier they put up in our dorm for a Gamma Delta Xi rush. She wanted to go and asked me to go. "No way", I told her. She asked me just to go one night with her...so I said I would but I wasnt happy about it

I remember going to the rush event and we were sitting a a big table of about 15-20 girls or so. They made us play this stupid name game. For example, you would have to say your name and say an animal that started with the first letter in your name along with a motion. So mine was, my is Barra, like Bear, ROAR.



I remember kicking Heather under the table like 10 times because I was like "WTF is this??????"

Funny thing is I remembered everyones name because of this. And then I realized how much I actually liked these girls. Many of whom were like me. I really didnt like the people on my dorm floor. Lots of bitches. Lots of WEIRDOS. So I then attended the next rush event which I believe was bowling at U Lanes.

I know alot of people think sororities are a way to "buy" friends but ours was different. We were a local sorority meaning we didnt have a house. We paid a minimal quarterly fee and that was about it. It was great because now I had people I could relate to. Who were fun. Who werent too crazy....but knew how to have a good time. Who always made me laugh. I dont think I ever laughed so much in my life then I did in college.

I decided to leave the sorority my senior year. Basically most of my friends who I started with either had graduated, were about to graduate or dropped out for one reason or another at some point. I also needed to just focus on graduating. I screwed around so much my freshmen year I had to go to summer school to make up some credits and I wanted to go through graduation at the same time as Jan and Heather.

So to all of you I met through Gamma Delta Xi I think you are awesome. Thank you for the laughs, thank you for the smiles, and most of all thank you for awesome memories. Although my memory is a bit hazy with everything I have gone through recently, I came up with some doozies:

1) This was discussed Saturday---Running through University Circle apartments falling and ripping my jeans as Torrey fell over me. I think we were running because the police came to Tanya, Amber and Patty's apartment..but this is hazy

2) Scavenger hunt for one of our rush events. Nothing like asking boys for condoms.

3) Panama City with Tanya and Patty. I remember my mom freaking because I was 19 and going to Florida. I was acutually very well behaved although got the sunburn from HELL

4) Karaoke in The Attic. I dont know why but I have this really strong memory of doing "Should I Stay Or Go" with 7 drunk sorority sisters.

5)Going to ladies night at Club Bijou every Thursday downtown.

6)Going to Cleveland for one of our formals. We didnt buy beer because Dude thought we could buy beer for the hotel in downtown Cleveland. We couldnt since our hotel was nowhere near a store...so all we had was Jack Daniels. That was ugly

7) Patty always sneaking me & Heather into the Stein. We were only 18 so Patty would speak to the guy checking ID's at the door...he was like Arab or something..I cant remember his name. Sometimes we snuck in...sometimes we got grabbed by the shoulder and caught

8) Tracy putting self tanner all over herself and not blending it in....she was orange and had handprints all over her legs

9) Going to UT football games with "hot chocolate" in the thermos....well it also had Peppermint Schnapps in it

10) Playing drums with Jan at the TKE(whore house) at a party one night. I will never forget trying to play "Pour Some Sugar On Me".

"Everythings Gonna Be Good"

5 years ago today my life was changed forever. I remember getting that call at work and I will never forget it. I remember sitting in that doctors office and telling me I have breast cancer and then I went into shock. I remember just telling my ex-husband that he needs to take me to the nearest bar and we went to BW3's. I knew I couldnt sit home or I would have a breakdown. I remember wondering how the fuck am I going to tell my mom. Her sister died of breast cancer.

4 years later I get diagnosed again on the other side. My one year anniversary is coming up in June. I think my life will always be full of anniversaries, however, at least I am on this planet to enjoy them. I plan on celebrating this weekend when my college BFF, Jan, also a cancer survivor, comes to visit. We are hitting a winery, dinner then ending up at Gunselmans...of course. :)

Thank you to all of my awesome friends and family who stuck by me through all of this crap. You know who you are......

Below is just a little video of some of my favorite pics this past year set to Kim Richey's "Everythings Gonna Be Good".


XOXO-
B