As Rebecca Black would say........

Now that I have annoyed you--

This was a weird week. Tuesday I was supposed to go get my final crown. Or so I thought. When I get there, the dentist who did the first part of the root canal is no longer there. So they had me see a different dentist. He starts talking about my tooth and how they should have 3 canals but they can only find 2. "And if I cant find the 3rd canal I am going to have to send you to a specialist". I am thinking, What in the deuce are you talking about??? This was never told to me last time. Here I am thinking I am done after today. Oh nooooooo. Original dentist never finished the root canal. So now I am being shipped off to a speciali$t. So now I am pissed........PISSED. I get out of there and go to get my phone and its not in my purse.

I looked everywhere. Not in my purse. Not in my car. Great its probably all the way back at work. So this sets me off into a tailspin of emotion. I kind of felt like Ron Burgundy in the phonebooth.



So I drive my ass alllllllllllllllllllll the way back to Independence in rush hour. I basically have a meltdown at anyone who will listen to me at work. Poor people probably think I am crazy. Get my damn phone which was sitting on my desk and drive allllllllllll the way back home. Took 4 Xanax and called it a night!

Wednesday I drove to Toledo to see Sarah.

I wont bore you with the details but let's just say there truly is not a better singer in the world. From a technical standpoint, its complete perfection. As I sat there, on a gorgeous evening, I listened to her for 2.5 hours. I forgot about all of the shit going on in my life for that time. That is what is so wonderful about music. And music that you completely adore. Alot of people were like, "You are driving by yourself there?". Well, to be fair, I met a friend from NY there. However, yes I drove alone. Why wouldn't I? If you love something, why wouldn't you just go do it? Who cares if you go alone? Hell I am not missing something due to insecurities. And I am very independent as far as these type things go. I dont need someone by my side to do things I love to do. I won't allow that to happen. If I want to go do something, I go do it.

The fundraiser that Beth, Gina and Lisa are graciously throwing for me will be Sunday, August 26th from 3:00-8:00. All of the info can be found on the flyer below:



Hopefully you can read it! Any questions or if you would like to help out with donations for gift baskets or making some grub for the fundraiser, shoot me an email at: sarmcl@gmail.com and I can direct you accordingly

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay cool!

XOXO
B-

Talking It Out...and Surprises

It was a bad day for me yesterday. I fully take ownership of that. I don't know what happened but late morning at work, anxiety took over. I started thinking bad, horrible things. "What if it's worse than they thought?". "I dont want to die". "I dont want to let people at my support group down".

After work, I met with my support group leader at the Gathering Place. She is an amazing person to speak with. Always has a level head. No agenda. Doesn't force her opinion. She listens, engages and then allows you to make YOUR decision. It takes an incredibly special person to do her job. I can not imagine. After speaking with her, I left with a sense of peace. The support group is not only for THEM but it's for ME as well. And I need to not worry about what their reaction. I have been there for them for years now it's time for them to be there for me.

So that was one monkey off of my back. After the meeting, I met Kim up at, you guessed it, Gunselmans for a drink or two. As we were sitting there talking, Sarah, my neighbor and bartender, received a phone call from someone. She proceeded to walk over to me and explain to me that "someone" was picking my tab up. After trying to figure out who, I realized it was someone from one of the Browns message boards, The Orange & Brown Report. Although many of these people I have NEVER met face to face, many of them I have shared dialogue with on the boards discussing or arguing about Cleveland Browns football. To my amazement, this nice guy, calling from Connecticut, paid for my beers and then some. I only spent $6 so I have some brewskis coming to me when I go back :)

Complete shock. I mean how nice is that?????? Then I get home and I have several emails on theobr.com, sending me well wishes and offers of donations for the Chinese Raffle. One of which was CRAZY. I dont want to say anything yet until it pans out, but if you come to the fundraiser you might have a chance to win something very special for you or your lady friend. Diamonds are a girls best friend, right?

So although my day started out shitty, it ended me being completely just in shock of how complete strangers can brighten your day in the blink of an eye.

As I left the Gathering Place, my group leader handed me this:



She said she made it awhile ago......and wanted me to have it.

Kicks its ass I will....completely kick its fucking ass.


XOXO
B-

Joe Cocker said it the best..........

I am very fortunate to have some great people in my life. One of which came into my life for a reason. I truly believe that. She knows who she is so I wont embarrass her. And I am sure by process of elimination you will figure out who I am referring to. We graduated high school together and although not great friends in high school, we reconnected through, you guessed it Facebook. My friend was also diagnosed with breast cancer. Something we could, sadly, both relate to. It's been so great for us to be able to bounce feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc off of each other. We GET what the other has gone through.


That being said her lovely sister, who is just as amazing, has decided to put together a fundraiser for me August 26th. With the help of the BEST NEIGHBOR ever, this will be at my favorite bar, Gunselmans. The details will be plastered all over Facebook I am sure but in the meantime, I have had a ton of people asking what they can do to help. So, if you would like to help out, these are the things we need help on:

1) Donations for gift baskets. We will be doing a Chinese raffle. If you have connections, know of anyone or any place that would be willing to donate anything, please contact them. For further details on where to drop off such items, please EMAIL me at sarmcl@gmail.com.

2) Donations for food for fundraiser. The ticket price will include draft beer, wine, soft drinks and food. That being said if you want make something and bring it, please do! OR if you know of anyplace willing to donate food(i.e. pizza) please contact me at the email address and above and I will pass it on to the girls.


Hope everyone has a fantastic week! I will have an AWESOME time getting my final crown tomorrow BUT I will be heading to see Ms Sarah McLachlan in Toledo on Wednesday! WOOOOOOOOOOT!


XOXO
Barra

A Battle Within

A most of you know, I have been going to the Gathering Place since they opened in Westlake back in October of 2008. If you don't know, the Gathering Place is a non- profit organization for cancer survivors. They offer free programs such as exercise classes, nutrition classes, and many different support groups. I have been attending the "Young Women with Breast Cancer" support group since they opened.

We meet once a month and I have been going even after my first bout with cancer because I felt it was important. Although I was farther along in my journey then most people there, many of them appreciated that I still came to the group. They enjoyed hearing my stories of travel or whatever was going on in my life, regardless if how ridiculous it seemed to me. Some of the girls said to me, "We love that you still come here because you give us hope and a light at the end of this dark tunnel".

I have not been to the meeting in two months. I missed May because I was in Vegas. And in June, I had just had surgery for the duct the Friday before. I really didn't feel up to going and having to explain anything at that point. I will still waiting on my test results. And as you know, they ended up turning out bad.

So my battle is how do I tell these girls what is going on? I am very concerned about their reaction. I can not divulge much information about any of them for obvious reasons. However, I will say this I am concerned my news could be devastating to some. I do not want the responsibility of hurting anyone or causing someone to go into some emotional tailspin. I know how fragile some of these girls are. I have had some friends tell me, "You shouldn't worry about them. You need to worry about yourself". Well, if you know anything about me you know that I am always worried about other people and how they will react. Its a fault of mine, I admit. I wish I could be one of those people that just didn't give a shit. But its not in me.

What to do? What to do? Our July meeting is cancelled due to the 4th of July holiday. So the next one would be in August. My one idea is to talk to our group leader first to tell her what is going on. Then see what she thinks I should do. She would know more than anyone how this all should be handled.

So I ask you that are reading this.........what would you do? If you knew that the information you are about to divulge may impact someones mental state greatly and/or harm their mental healing process, how would you handle this?

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I am looking forward to happy hour with Joanna tonight! Enjoying some drinks/appetizers on the observation deck at 100th Bomb Group then ending that night at.....you guessed it.......Gunselmans. If anyone is bored and looking for something to do, stop up!


XOXO-
B

30 days and "F" Bombs

So 30 days from today will be the surgery. The way I look at it, this will be the last mastectomy I will ever have to get. Unless, of course, I am growing a third boob I am unaware of. And considering my luck lately, this would not surprise me.

I have received so many positive comments on my blog both directly on the blog and privately. I wanted to thank everyone for your words of encouragement. It really does help me out greatly.

As far as how I am doing, I think I am doing alot better mentally. Sure I have my moments. I have been told numerous times that I have such a positive attitude. I don't know what else to do? Maybe part of it is denial that this is happening again to me? Or maybe I just figure, earmuffs, what the fuck? I can't change anything about this situation.

This week I told my boss about what was going on(he was on vacation last week). As I posted on Facebook, literally his first words were, "FUCK!". Then he realized what he said and apologized. I explained no need to I apologize. I think I said that word 500 times since then. I went on to tell him my plans of taking 2 weeks off from work and ensured him my clients would be taken care of. I have great contacts, fortunately, most of whom were my contacts 4 years ago. So they are very understanding, and will work with me to make sure all deadlines are met. After our discussion, I went back to my desk. And then it hit me: DING......We have remote access to our desktops. I can work from home if need be. So I asked my boss, "Can I take a week vacation the first week since I will probably be out of it on pain meds. Then the second week, work from home." I would rather be productive then sit there in my house the second week doing absolutely nothing other than watching some shitty judge shows! He actually AGREED to it. This was a huge burden off of me. Why? Because you only get so many days off. I will need to see the doctor quite a bit the next months after surgery. Or who knows when you might get a cold/flu or hell just want a day off?? To have basically no time off left with 5 months to go? This was worrying me. Now.....I can breathe a little bit better.

I have some inquiries about helping out with doctor bills(which will be rolling in any minute from my first surgery a few weeks ago). A few friends have been kind enough to be working together to plan a small fundraiser for me. Tentatively, the date is Sunday, August 26th. Once I find out the details, I will be sure to post the info on here and Facebook.

Again thank you for all of your kind words, emails, texts, and cards. I am a very fortunate girl to have such wonderful friends in my life!

XOXO-
B-

"L"....is for the way you look at me...."O" is for... eh whatever

Love. Lets name off some great songs about love:

"Love Stinks"
"Love is a Battlefield"
"I Hate Myself For Loving You"
"Love On the Rocks"
"Love Hurts"


Notice a trend here? Sure there are many songs about the positive aspects of love. But the real, great songs come from heartbreak and pain.

I have no great track record when it comes to this topic. After going through a divorce in 2010, after a relationship of 15 years, I found myself lost and in misery. Not to mention, I had just finally got through one of the worst times in my life with battling breast cancer. Our divorce was not a result of the cancer, as many would probably assume. Our relationship was broken long before that. We both were at fault. Issues that should have been addressed never were and the result was, well, divorce.

But even still, the loneliness I felt during my cancer treatments was incredible. My ex husband had obviously checked out emotionally. It was like I was a stranger with cancer. I felt no connection there. I felt like I was alone and I was battling this war with no soldiers behind me.

When you go through chemo, its very tough. And yes, you know there are people out there who are far worse off than you are. This is a time when it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to complain. It's okay to cry. And it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to feel like you can never say anything negative about this crazy process YOU are going through.

And this is not blog to bash my ex. It's a blog about knowing now what kind of partner you need in your life. Who is going to have your back? Who is going to be there? Who is going to give you a hug when you least expect it? Who is going to send you a simple message of: How are you doing today? They wont judge you. They won't make you feel guilty for being angry at the world. They will simply....listen.

I have had two of the experiences happen lately from male friends. One from high school who helped me out with my AC. When he walked into my house, he just gave me a hug. It was one of the nicest things ever. And it was a hug I desperately needed. Another, was from someone who I went out on a date with once right before my most recent diagnosis. He is a very nice guy but I couldn't pursue anything with him at the moment. It's not fair to him and I can't put someone through my burdens. I can't give the time to dating someone right now obviously. I have bigger fish to fry. However, he has made it a point to send me a text message here and there just seeing how I am doing or telling me that he hopes I have a good day. It's little things like that which are helpful. Things I didn't get last time.....

When you are presented a challenge, such as this, you begin to look at things like: When I get through this, what kind of person do I want in my life? I cant have someone in my life who cant communicate. Or is afraid of my cancer. Or doesn't know what to say to me and avoids the large elephant in the room. I would rather go through life alone. I won't ever settle for anyone but then I wonder: Who is going to love me? Who is going to want to deal with this? Who will not judge my scars?

Ryan Reynolds? Ryan Gosling?

Probably not............


XOXO-
B

T. G. I..........effin F!

This blog won't be all gloom and doom. It's Friday. So I am going to make this one a little more uplifting and talk about random things, news, music, etc

*Going to relax tonight. Went out every night this week and I think put on 50 pounds. That's okay. I needed it. I am fully in the mode of not resting on my laurels and enjoying the next 33 days until surgery.

*Tomorrow Kim, Heather, Aaron and I will be going to the Winking Lizard downtown to enjoy some delicious beers and grub, then heading to Jacob's Field(Yes I still call it that and I always will!) for the Indians game. They are playing the Shittsburgh Pirates and its $1 dog night! You can get a weenie that has been cooked for 2 days all for $1!! Gross. I love when people think this is a good deal. Have you seen these things? They are almost green when you get them. After the game, maybe Gunselmans. I mean why not, right?

*Sunday is Fathers Day. We will be celebrating over the Zakels. I love how my family and my sister in laws family can all get together and its fun. Everyone gets along. So much so we are all going to South Carolina in August. I am very excited about that.

*Next week is a pretty busy week for me. Trying to fit in as many visits with friends as possible. So lots of dinners & happy hours next week. So if you want to get together let me know as the days are filling up fast.

*OKC lost to the Heat last night. I will be honest. I haven't watched one minute of the series. I will not watch anything until HE loses the series. Then I will be flipping the tv off and laughing hysterically like Robert Deniro in Cape Fear:




*I have had alot of people ask me what I need while I am recuperating from surgery. If you havent signed up for the meal train(not too many dates left), gift cards are always helpful for take out. Burger King, Cyclones Pitas, BW3's, Jersey Mikes, Subway, etc. It will be alot easier on me. Cooking wont be happening unless it can be put in a microwave!

*I loved watching "Tardy for The Wedding" last night. There is nothing that gets me more than a man crying as his bride is walking down the aisle. I know its a goofy reality show but if you weren't touched by how great of a relationship he has with her daughters, you have no heart. He got them rings too?? I totally love him. He just seems like something out of a fairytale. Like, guys like THIS-----where the f are they? I know they aren't hanging out in Gunselmans fo' shizzle.

*And while we are on the subject of reality tv, Big Brother starts in a month. I know summer is in full effect when Big Brother starts. My brother, sister in law and I love this show. And it cracks me up when we are on vacation on a beach, and we cant pull ourselves away from this damn show! So sad! So addicting.

*I am going to see Sarah McLachlan in Toledo June 27th at the Toledo Zoo Amphitheater. She is playing with the Toledo Symphony Orchestra. This is going to be so cool. You can check pic out below:

Toledo Zoo Amphitheater

I am driving alllllllllll by mysellllllllllllf. Yes I know thats crazy. But I mean, really is it? I will leave right after work. Drive 2 hours. See the show and leave right after to head back home. In bed by midnight. My friend Andy is coming in from New York. That's crazier! HI Andy! I look at it this way, live for now and not later. Don't tell me there will be other Sarah shows. Again, you don't know that. And if you know anything about me, you know I love Sarah.



Have a great weekend everyone! And remember to enjoy every second of it.......

XOXO
B-