"Heavenly Day"

Amazing song above by the way.......



It was a Sunday night in October of 2003 and I was doing a self-exam on my breasts at home. The self-exam was branded in my brain by my mom who lost a sister to breast cancer at a young age. I remember feeling it. It felt like a pebble or the size of a pea in my right breast. And it was close to the skin at about the 4:00 position. I panicked. I yelled down to my ex-husband, “Something is wrong. I feel something in there”. He felt it too. He was calm, which was his demeanor all of the time and of course I was panicking. It didn’t hurt. But I knew this might not be good. That next morning I called my OB and went in right away. She then referred me to a breast surgeon.

I was in the surgeons office(who shall remain nameless) who did the exam and was told I had a cyst in my right breast. The doctor had a difficult time aspirating the “cyst” and decided that it was nothing and I should come back in 6 months. Fortunately, I went back. This time the cyst was aspirated. Not thinking it was anything, I left the doctor’s office with a clear mind and not a care in the world. 3 days later? I get a phone call at work around lunchtime and these words come out:

“Dr ____________ needs to see you today in her office”

I hung up the phone and immediately texted my then husband.

• “She wants to see me today. I know its cancer”
• “You don’t know that. Think positive”
• “Why the hell would she need to see me today. Doctors aren’t going to bring you all the way to a doctors office to tell you good news”

I remember having a breakdown. I remember going into our conference room with Joanna and just losing it. I knew it was bad. I just knew it. I am even tearing up writing this because it still brings me right back to that time of my life when all things just simply changed.

I remember going to her office. It was late because we both worked and we didn’t get there until around 5:00. Nobody was in the office except the surgeon. We walked into her office and I remember this clearly about how messy her desk was. Papers everywhere. We sat down and she looked for my file.

“It’s here somewhere”

Proceeds to look. I am thinking to myself, “You have to be fucking kidding me”.

“Oh here it is……..yes you have cancer………blah blah blah blah blah blah”

I mean I just blanked out. Maybe blacked out. I don’t really know. You hear stories all of the time when people get diagnosed and then the rest of the info the doctor is telling you just literally goes in one ear and out of the other. Well, it is true. At that point she decided she was going to schedule a lumpectomy, where they simply remove the tumor. The surgery was scheduled but she also wanted me to have a MRI. Not thinking anything of it I went for the MRI. Now let me tell you something a breast MRI is possibly the worst thing I have ever endured. To be put on your stomach with your arms raise up for a half an hour and put into a basically a tomb is completely awful. You can’t move. If you move, you ruin the MRI and have to go through it all again. I got about 25 minutes in and started panicking.

“When are you going to be done? I need out of here!”
“Just a few more minutes Ms Terrigno”

When that thing shut off, I literally flew out of there. I can’t believe in this day and age of technology we can’t come up with a better device. It is ridiculous. A few days later, with my surgery scheduled in a few days, I get yet ANOTHER call at work for the MRI results. This time it’s the surgeon calling me:

“Hi Mrs Terrigno. We have your results in and we found some other areas we are concerned with so we are cancelling the lumpectomy and we are going to now have to do a core biopsy”

This is all over the phone, in my cubicle, at work. Again, I have another breakdown and I leave work. I can’t believe this. How did this go from being a cyst to my worst nightmare? I had the core biopsy done and it confirmed another area of cancer which was at the 8:00 position but back farther. It was at this point I decided to switch doctors and went to Dr. Robert Shenk at University Hospitals. There was no way in hell I was allowing this woman to operate on me. She would never return my phone calls when I would call asking a question. Her demeanor sucked. And I couldn’t get it out of my head how unsupportive she was when she told me I had cancer. Maybe she was used to telling women their worst nitghmare but there was zero compassion.

Switching doctors for me was a massive blessing in disguise. From Dr Shenk to Dr Soltanian, my plastic surgeon, to Dr Silverman, my oncologist, I can’t praise them enough. Although Dr Shenk, is all business, he is the best of the best at UH. I can’t count how many times when I was at UH and asked who my surgeon was the reply back to me was :

“You have the best. He’s amazing”

And same goes for Dr. Soltanian and Dr. Silverman. Just amazing doctors who always had your back. Also, my survivorship RN Marla Sustin. I can’t tell you how awesome she has been for me. Anything I need, I can email or call her and she always gets back to me.

As well all know the story didn’t stop there. I was diagnosed again on the left side in 2012. It was a very early cancer which was contained within the ducts but I decided at that time to just be done with it and do the mastectomy & reconstruction with the same doctors. No chemo this time but I went on Lupron for a year then had my ovaries out in December of 2013 since I was high risk for ovarian cancer.

For everyone who stuck by me, I want to thank you. For those that listened to me cry & bitch(especially the girls at The Gathering Place), I want to thank you. For those that treated me like crap, ignored me, avoided me, etc during those times, I don’t forget. You learn a lot about people in your darkest days. You learn who true friends are and who are too selfish to put their big girl/boy boots on and not make it about THEM. I learned little things like a hug can make your crappiest day a lot better. I learned not to tell people to “just deal with it” when they are angry. I learned it’s okay to be pissed off at the world because it isn’t fair that anyone has to go through this. And lastly, I learned that you do need to live every day like it is your last one. If you want to go meet Sarah McLachlan, you go and meet Sarah McLachlan. I am.


Peace & love……peace & love

B-

"Don't Let Me Down Easy"

I know I have been bad with the blogging lately. I just have been bogged down at work and then ended up getting sick which lasted about two weeks. So much so during the Kim Richey show at the Beachland Ballroom, I didn't think I was going to make it through her set. But I powered through it and saw an awesome show. And as you will see in the above video for one of my favorite songs by her "Don't Let Me Down Easy" she is amazing.


So this blog is just going to be random babbling since that is about where my brain is lately


☻ Sleeping: I have been having a hard time lately and struggling with insomnia. At first, I thought it was from the Mucinex I was taking, which I am sure didn't help my cause. However, now that I have been off of that for a week, I am still having a hard time. So klonopin has been my saving grace right now. I am thinking this is stemming from the menopause from the ovaries being removed. It sucks though. To be so tired you can not fall asleep can make you crazy or crazier in my case.

☻ Love: No complaints here! Everything is going great between Brian and I. I know thats cheesey and hokey. I hate people like that. But it's true. We are going to be moving in together in the next month or so which is very exciting. I am more just worried about where we are going to put everything so I might need another garage sale

☻ Browns: I am very excited about what the front office is doing. I was a little hesitant on the whole Alex Mack negotiation but when all was said and done I feel both sides got a great deal. As far as who they should pick with that #4 pick in the upcoming draft? I still say Sammy Watkins. I know we need a franchise QB but I am not sold on anyone that high. Watkins is a no brainer there. I just have this feeling though that the Browns are going to surprise us and take someone we aren't expecting.

☻ Sarah McLachlan: Well I did it. I am finally going to get a chance to meet her. On July 13, 2014 Brian and I are sitting in the front row at Toledo Zoo Amphitheatre and then we are going to do a meet and greet with her(or maybe it is before the show I am not exactly sure yet). Being a fan for 20 years, it has always been a dream of mine to meet her and just simply tell her how much her music has helped me get through some horrible points in my life. You know like the cancer shit and a divorce. I always have been a believer that music can pull you out of your darkest days and her music has done that for me so many times.

☻ Health: I am doing very well health wise. On April 23rd, it will be my SIX year anniversary from my first diagnosis. A girl never forgets that diagnosis date. Ever. So I plan on celebrating that day. I can not believe it has been 6 years. It will be 2 years next month since my second diagnosis. However, I am going to stick with the April 23rd date the rest of my time on this planet as that is the date that changed my life forever.

Hope everyone is well!

XOXO-
B

"Friday I'm In Love"

So is everyone staying warm? Miserable isn't it? I am not sure which is worse: the snow or the cold? All I know is I am ready for spring. I am over stressing out about driving to and from work, shoveling/snowblowing, and my gas bill. Speaking of which, the next one should have me eating ramen noodles for the next few months. I keep saying I plan on moving down south eventually and I see that as I get older. It is just too hard to maintain your driveway, sidewalks, etc as you get older. Not to mention simply driving and/or walking in this stuff. South Carolina is looking better and better year after year.

So this blog is just going to be random shit that is going on in my brain right now like for instance: The Cavaliers.....

What the hell is Dan Gilbert doing? Look, I totally get firing Chris Grant because you do not want him making any desperate moves before the trade deadline to save his job. However, are you really going to sit there with a straight face and say the following:

"We’re going to see Mike Brown succeed this year,'' said Gilbert, in spite of the fact that Brown's team takes a 16-33 record into Friday night's game at Washington. "I think he will be able to do good things in the next 30 games or so. I think this team is going to be able to do good things. They’re going to look at each other, look in the mirror, and they’re going to rally. We’re going to do everything we can to give them the air cover they need."


So wait a minute you fire the guy who brought those players in, but you dont hold the players accountable for anything? And some how you think they are going to start playing well all because Chris Grant is gone?

Here would have been my press conference:

"I spend too much damn money to have you fools make me and the city of Cleveland look like a bunch of idiots. We will not stand for this. We will not stand for players not trying. We will not stand for coaches not demanding the best from our players. I take full responsiblity for this mess since I hired all of you to be my employee. So you ALL better shape the hell up or you can get the hell out!"

I would then drop the microphone and do the moonwalk......................


Onto another topic at hand, the Olympics. I can't believe these morons thought having this in Russia was a good idea. Have you seen the tweets of journalists in the hotels? Hilarious. I would be scared to even be over there. How is anyone concentrating on their performance? About the only thing Russia is good for is vodka(and not that Kamchatka crap which is named after a peninsula in Russia but is made in friggin' Kentucky. And look, I am 1/2 Russian and you couldn't pay me to go over to that crap hole. They are killing dogs for no reason! I did come across this super cute article on Buzzfeed to combat the dog killing!

Switching gears to myself, healthwise everything is going very well. I healed up nicely from surgery. I go back to my onco nurse in March for a check up. However, other than that all is well. I have not had too many side effects so far from the surgery and she said I would notice the worst of it 2-3 weeks after surgery. So knock on wood, I have dealt with the worst of it(and it hasnt been that bad). I think the best thing is I knew what to expect with the hot flashes and insomnia since going through it twice with chemo and then the Lupron shot. Right now I am just trying to get back into the swing of thing with working out.

My personal life has been great. As most of you know, Brian and I started dating last June and I could not be more happier. The kitties are doing well and they turn 6 in April. April is also my 6 year anniversary since being diagnosed with breast cancer the first time. My life was so different back then and it is amazing how much better it is now. I still can not believe it has been 6 years but I am so glad I am here able to type that!

Hope everyone has a great weekend....stay warm!

XOXO
B-

"What's New Pussycat?"

Is the Browns coaching search giving you a headache like it is for me? I am still baffled at the Chud firing. In some ways I get it based on the rumors of WHY he was fired (e.g. starting Weeden over Hoyer, not cutting Greg "Stonehands" Little). However, how the hell do Mike Lombardi and Joe Banner get away clean as a whistle? After all, they are responsible for the roster. I never liked the hiring of these two dolts in the first place and they are proving me right. I think Chud got a raw deal. Was he perfect? Absolutely not. But Jimmy Haslam did what typical corporate America does: Fires the wrong dude and lets the inmates run the asylum. He is always talking about "getting it right". Well Jimmy you better hope you get it right this time. You have set a very dangerous prescedent with the firing of Chud after one season. So much so, I do not know who the hell in their right mind would be willing to take this job even with the cap room and draft picks available. I know I would be looking over my shoulder all of the time. And to be micro managed by Larry and Curly would drive me crazy.

My Christmas was very nice. I had surgery to remove my ovaries on December 19th. Overall, it went very well. It took me about 5 days to feel more like myself. The bloating was just a killer. Since it is done laparoscopically, they put air in your abdomen. This was neither fun nor funny. I couldnt even get jeans on until Christmas Eve and even that was uncomfortable. I had 3 small stitches from the surgery and those have healed nicely. I feel pretty good all things considered. My side effects right now are some hot flashes, insomnia, and some mood swings. I am trying to deal with these the best way I can. Don't forget this is my second time through this crap. I had the same side effects with the Lupron so I at least know what to expect. It is just difficult at times for me to keep a happy face on. So if I seem grumpy or moody please cut me some slack. Just remember if you are female and reading this, you will be going through this same very thing sooner or later. So dont judge!

And no I am not upset about my ovaries being out thus resulting in me not being able to conceive naturally. I am completely at peace with my decision. Look, I have had cancer TWICE. It would be completely foolish of me, IN MY OPINION, to put myself at risk for a third cancer diagnosis. So please do not feel bad for me. I am seriously so happy with my life right now. I have a great boyfriend and I have two furry kids. I can not ask more than that. So remember not everyone has to have children to be considered a complete individual. Sometimes shit happens out of our control. Sometimes it's a persons personal choice. Whatever the case is, respect it. Don't judge.

Peace and love....peace and love

B-

"Where'd You Go"?

Long time no see everyone. Sorry I have been so MIA lately with this blog. I promise I will be better in the new year. So what is going on in the life of Barra lately? Well let’s see………

As far as my health goes, everything is going well. I had my last Lupron shot on October 3rd. And now will have my ovaries removed on December 19th. Since I have had breast cancer twice at such a young age, I am higher risk for ovarian cancer. This is more of a preventative measure. Many people have asked me how I feel about the surgery considering it completely ends any chance of me having my own children naturally. Last week I was sitting at the gym working on crunches and I stopped to think about it. How final it is. How it means there are no children in my future. It made me cry. But I do not regret my decision. My reality is I am 40. A pregnancy right now would be deemed very high risk anyways for a “normal” 40 year old let alone someone who has had the health issues I have had.

It is something that I have come to terms with—not having kids. I know I joke around a lot that kids are a pain in the ass and very expensive. And well…they are. My only concern is me getting to the age of 50 and having regrets of not having them. But then I think to myself even IF I wanted one right this second, how would I even do it? I can’t afford any of the options and that is the sad reality. I remember one time during our counseling sessions, my ex husband said something to me, “Maybe if we would have had kids things would be different”. That always bothered me that he made that comment. As if having kids would have changed the issues we were having in the first place? Hell no. All I kept thinking to myself was, “Thank god we didn’t have them because I don’t know how I would have done it living on my own and one income”. Hell I don’t know how any of you do it with two incomes. I know I probably would be living with my parents right now for sure. And right now I am battling medical bills again from the ultrasound. I swear I can never get or will get out of this debt. And the sad thing is: I HAVE INSURANCE.

All that being said, I am very fortunate to have a great niece and nephew. So if they are my alternative to children I will gladly take it. They say things happen for a reason. I am not sure what the reasoning is as to why my path was to get cancer twice, go through a divorce and never have kids. But maybe it just wasn’t supposed to happen for me just….because. Maybe there isnt a reason. Maybe its just sheer shitty luck?

That’s ok. I have a great guy in my life now. I am happier than I ever been. It is nice to be with someone who wants to have fun, likes to hang out with me, shares similar interests, and I guess just lets me be me, even when I am crazy yelling at the tv watching the Browns. I can not predict the future nor do I want to but lets just say I am happy where things are and see a great road together. For that alone, I hit the jackpot.

"Realize"

Sometimes things are in front of you face the entire time but you are too blind to see it. It may be because you have your attention turned to other aspects in your life. In my case it was my health. I had to put myself first and I couldn't mentally be there for someone when I was battling my fears, frustrations and my low self esteem. When you come to terms with those issues, the clouds part, the rainbows come out, and the birds sing. Ok no they really don't but you get my drift. You FINALLY realize what you have.

So what do I have? I am sure many of you could or have put two and two together. Brian and I have decided to start dating. It seems like a no brainer to me now but before it just was not possible for various reasons. After a brutal support group one night in June, I walked out of there thinking I am fortunate to be on this planet alive. What the fuck am I doing? I cried the whole way home. The stories I heard that night hit me so very hard. Women who were probably going to die soon. We did, in fact, lose one of our members not too long after that meeting which even made me think harder about my life and what was missing from it. Here I am. I beat cancer not once but twice. So I decided right then and there, I need to take a chance and see if Brian would be interested in trying to date.

Brian and I have always had a connection. I trust very few people in my life. I know I can always count on him. One of the things I completely love about him is his kindness and his courtesy. It may seem small but one morning after I made us breakfast, he went and cleaned the dishes. Listen up men: You need to take notes. Our time together is always fun. We laugh alot. And he treats me with nothing but respect. He is always willing to do things. We have alot in common and did I mention we laugh alot? Oh and Sam completely loves him(Bug is just a weirdo and hides from everyone).

I am so happy at where we are. Where it will lead I do not know but I am glad I finally woke up and took a chance. You only have one life on this planet. When you are too worried about what everyone else is thinking, time flies by and before you know it, you are alone. I dont want to be alone. I want to be loved. I want to grow old with someone.

Next week I turn 40. Yes 40. I feel good about it though. I am feeling healthy, working out 4-5 days a week, taking on a new side job working with Social Media for Gunselman's, which I am hoping will transpire into a second career (Blog on that to follow soon!), and now I have Brian in my life. I am blessed. Truly blessed.

If there is one thing I would tell you all that are reading this is you should never settle. You shouldn't be in a relationship you are unhappy in. You shouldn't keep people(friends, family, etc) around in your life that do not give you the same return on investment that you give them. Life is too short. Life can be over in a second. Don't live your life thinking "I should have done that" or "I wish I would have tried that". You need to put yourself first. You need to put your happiness first. You need to do what you need to do.

I know I have not been blogging as much but I do not like to write to fill space. I only write when I truly have something to say or I am passionate about an issue. Well finally I have something to be passionate about. :)

XOXO-
B

Kiss my ass Roger Goodell

So I am going to veer off course a bit and vent about this new NFL rule that the geniuses at the No Fun League(AKA NFL) have decided to come up with. NO PURSES.

This is of course supposed to keep us safer in all NFL stadiums in light of the Boston marathon bombing. I am not going to make light of that situation. We all know it was horrible. But to now tell women they have the option of shoving all of their shit into their pockets or in some shitty ass clear bag is ridiculous. Mind you the NFL sells these lovely novelties at their Pro Shop online for a mere $10. Aint it perrrrty?



Oh but wait it gets better. Based on the guidelines, if you DO bring a purse in, it can be no bigger than 4.5 inches by 6.5. Are you ready for this one? Below is a picture of my hand next to my Browns bag that I own. Now granted I have big hands, but this bag is deemed TOO LARGE to bring into the stadium(its 6 inches wide by 8 inches high!)



So picture it: your keys, ID, tampons, phone, & money all on display for everyone to see. Roger Goodell must not give two shits about the safety of his female fans. Where is one going to put this sweet, clear bag when they stand up to cheer their team on? Oh wait this is the Browns we are talking about. We get in trouble when we stand at games. And who are we kidding? There hasn't been anything to cheer about since 1985. But seriously, if I am at the game and I happen to get up to cheer with the bag left on my chair or on the ground, whos to say people arent eyeing my stuff? I always bring a purse to games that I can carry across my body. Nothing big--nothing huge. But I feel safer knowing my purse is attached to me. Mark my word, you are going to hear about many women getting their shit stolen because of this new rule.

Are we REALLY safer with not allowing women to bring purses in? The MLB doesnt do it(yet), the NBA doesnt do it(yet), you can go to Cedar Point with thousands and thousands of people with a purse, you can fly on an airplane with a purse after screening. What was wrong with having bags checked like we have for years and years to enter the stadium? Are your security people really that incompetent?

Does the NFL think they can completely just be blatantly sexist? Arent the people getting in trouble for this sort of behavior almost all men. Can someone name me the most recent female bomber in the United States? Thats not to say, by any means, it could never happen but how are you going to sit there and tell my purse is a far bigger threat then the drunken idiots you allow into your gates every Sunday? Or the NFL players that continue to get into trouble for domestic violence, drugs and even murder? Seems to me you may want to spend more time screening your players than worrying about little ol' me and my Coach purse. Am I REALLY going to believe that Jimmy Haslams wife is going to be carrying around a clear plastic purse inside First Energy Stadium? Bitch please.

Well I gotta go---I have to get back to the kitchen, do some laundry, and keep my mouth shut----right Roger?