"The Impression That I Get"

Perception: How others view you. How others make assumptions about you. How others think they know how you are feeling. The impression that they get from your actions.

I am not going to divulge who said this to me or where they said it. That's really not important. But if there is one thing I can honestly recommend to those that are reading this right now is to never tell someone whos been through something difficult in their life to either "Get over it" or tell them to "move on" or tell them that at times they can be "too negative".

I can tell you that when this was said to me I saw red for a moment. There is a point at which I can only take so much and if you really want to piss me off you can tell me how I should be feeling. Others have done this to me and they are no longer a part of my life. Until you have been through what I have been through you can take your judgements and shove them up your ass.

There is one thing that I will never apologize for and thats me voicing my feelings, my anger and/or my sadness. Too many times many of you try and act like these things should never be discussed. Its taboo. Its private. And everyone deals with their shit their own way. But if I wear my heart on my sleeve, don't throw it my face. And please don't act like you know how I feel. You have not:

*Lost 2 boobs
*Went through reconstruction twice and developed a hematoma the first time around and had to have emergency surgery to have it removed
*Went through chemo
*Lost your hair
*Gained weight
*Bones that hurt from the minute you wake up
*Suffered from insomnia
*Suffered from hot flashes
*Have to have a hysterectomy
*Oh and went through a divorce



So excuse me if I seem a little grumpy at times. Every day I look in the mirror and I see my scars. I see what was left behind from breast cancer. I do not look like my friends. I look different. I will never be the same. I dont know if I will ever regain my confidence back. Yet you are going to sit there and tell me how I should handle myself? Am I angry. Yes I am angry. I am pissed quite honestly and you know what: THATS OKAY.

Last week I went back on the Lupron. 3 month shot put into one big, ass needle. This one hurt. And it burned. A week later I am starting to feel the effects. The hot flashes have been bad. REAL BAD. Today has been the worst. Every ten minutes I feel like I am on fire. What sucks is when I am at the gym and on the treadmill. You are already sweating by working out and now I am getting whammied from the drug. Awful just awful. I dont feel like myself lately. I am sure alot of it stems from the Lupron but I just feel sad and out of the loop or something. I feel really lonely. I am starting to feel like I will never find anyone. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I just feel like time is passing me by so fast. I dont want to be alone with cats all of my life. I truly dont.

Have a great weekend everyone-

XOXO-
B

"Neverending Story"

I bet you not too many people would use a Limahl song in their blog. Your ears will be bleeding forever.......


Was playing phone tag with my NP last week and finally spoke to her Saturday. After meeting with my oncologist, they felt that I should either stay on Lupron or get the hysterectomy or oophorectomy sooner rather than later. She explained Dr. Silverman didn't feel comfortable doing just the Tamoxifen. Of course this sent me into a tizzy:

▀ I dont want surgery right now! Recovery time on a hysterectomy is a week. I just do not want to do that right now.

■ If I do the Lupron, I am going to get socked with another $700 bill everytime I get that damn shot. I cant afford that




Pissed off I grabbed my insurance statement and looked at the numbers. I noticed that my Out of Pocket for 2013 went DOWN by almost $1300!!!! What!? When did that happen?? All I was looking at was the monthly charges going up and never realized that the out of pocket went down. Happy dance!!

So that being said I have decided to go back on Lupron. I am on the hook for $600 regardless of what I so: Lupron vs surgery. I would rather just do the Lupron now and then do the surgery at the end of the year when I was planning on taking time off anyways. This time the shots will be every 3 months rather than monthly. Its a pain in the ass to go there monthly as I have to use PTO time for it. So I will start the shot back up in April then go back in July for another round of the shot as well as to meet with my new OBGYN, Dr. Zinotti. I will discuss with her my situation and hopefully plan for surgery in November or December.

This whole thing is like a roller coaster. Soon as you think you have some down time to get away from it, it sucks you right back in . I admit, Saturday I had a complete meltdown. I just had the window/door guy over because I wanted to replace my back door to my house. Although not a cheap job, I knew it was something I want to get done. I just have not been able to financially put the money into my house that I have wanted to. I really have had to pick and choose what I need to get fixed. So I was all excited that I was going to probably be getting a new door than 1 hour later that got dropped on me. Either way I am in the hole another $600. A hole that I dont think I am ever going to get out of.......

I hate complaining. I know its not attractive. I know other people are far worse off than I am. I am just frustrated. I want off of this god damn ride already. I want one year NOT to have to see a doctor, get injected with something, have surgery or be in any pain. One year where I dont incur large medical bills.

I know...wishful thinking.

XOXO
B

"Stupid Girls"

So as most of you I saw P!NK last Wednesday in Columbus and it was amazing. I am pretty sure I will never see anything like that again. She is in crazy good shape and singing the entire time shes doing these acrobatics. I was in awe. Her show was inspiring. It got me thinking about women in general and how pathetic some of us have become. What I respect about P!NK is her honesty. And how she doesnt WHINE unlike some people:



Look we all have been through breakups but Taylor Swift seems to go through them on a weekly basis. You are not 16 years old Taylor Swift. Grow the f up already. You have many young girls who look up to you. Stop acting like a weak fool. Relationships shouldnt define who you are. Thats when you get into trouble and make bad choices. And guess what ladies...its okay to be single! I have been doing it for 3 years and I haven't spontaneously combusted yet. In fact, what it has done for me is allowed me to regain my independence. I am a way stronger person now than I was 3 years ago. Did I think I would know how to buy a house? No. Deal with electric companies & electricians when a catastrophe happens? Hell no. Negotiate with bidders for a new garage roof? Are you kidding? Go through cancer a second time? What doesnt kill you makes you........stronger.




Also last Wednesday I had my appointment at Siedman Cancer Center to discuss my plan moving forward since I am going off of Lupron do to the cost. I have decided to go back on Tamoxifen and will eventually be doing a hysterectomy. I do not have any plans for children. That is kind of hard when you do not have a significant other. And lets be honest, at my age? Well I think that ship has sailed. Am I upset about it? No. How can I be. I am here arent I? I am in no rush for this surgery. I got a referral for a doctor who specializes in such a surgery for cancer patients. So my goal is to meet with her first and discuss with her my situation. From there, decide on when I would like to have the surgery. I am thinking later this year/early next year.


This week I heard back from Sarah, my genetic counselor at UH, about the second round of genetic testing results. This is where they look at 14 different strains to see if you carry any of them. If you do, you might be higher risk for other cancers. This allows you to make sure you are being screened regularly. There was one gene called the RAD 50 that had a “slight variant of uncertain significance”. This is a newer gene so they do not have a ton of info about it other than it MIGHT cause a higher risk for breast cancer. The models showed that the mutation was benign but not a true mutation. So basically they don’t THINK this was the cause but it could be as models can sometimes be wrong. They will update more on this gene as their research progresses. So I am to check back with her in a year. I am kind of a guinea pig on this one(STORY OF MY LIFE!). She agreed that a hysterectomy would be a good idea. I also asked about my niece. She said she should start early screening. Since I was diagnosed at 34 the first time, I probably had breast cancer in my early 20's. I am glad at least Ella will know to be proactive.


Other than that I am doing very well. I will meet back with the NP in July.


Have a great weekend everyone!!

XOXO
B

"Here Comes The Weekend"

In honor of seeing P!nk in 5 days(not that I am counting), I had to title my blog title this plus it is the weekend.

I do not have too much to update on the health front. I will be seeing oncologist Wednesday morning to go over my options since I have stopped the Lupron. So this blog will be more random things going on in my life.

I decided to change things up at the gym. That track was getting old. And I was honestly sick of having to weave and dodge inconsiderate dicks all of the time. So I went back to the treadmill(which is what I was using when I was married but then a little thing called divorce happened and I didnt have $700 to buy one). There is quite the difference between the track and treadmill. First thing is the airflow. When you walk around the track there is constant airflow. When you walk on a treadmill, it gets hot very quickly and for some reason its very warm where those treadmills are(I think its beacause they are by the pool). However, that being said, I do like it far better. I dont know. There is something about sweating your ass off that makes you feel accomplished. I have cut back alot of stuff. My diet consists of:

■ 2 pieces of wheat toast and green tea when I wake up

■ Around 10:00 AM 4 pieces of turkey bacon and 1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese

■ 1:00 is lunch so lately been doing salad with fresh broccoli and roasted soybeans. Also, greek yogurt. This totally fills me up from the protein.

■ Dinner is around 6 after gym. Its either chicken or fish with a side of soy rice. Giant Eagles is awesome.

■ Snack is a handful of granola with dried cranberries


I can tell I am losing weight. However, I refuse to get on a scale. My problem is when I do that I get obsessed with it. And then I get pissed if I am not losing fast enough. I can just tell by how my clothes are fitting, especially my jeans.


All of my diet will probably do out the window tomorrow when we go to Amish Country. So many great places to shop at. Heinis Cheese is one of my faves. I mean who doesn't like to sample 50 cheeses? Now is a perfect time to go because it is cold and nobody will be there. Go there in the summer and its full of a bunch of people who think they can bring strollers in a complete packed place...dont even get me started on that. It is a fun day trip and usually ends up with us grabbing dinner somewhere down there. I came across this place called Sammy Sue's BBQ. I love places like this. Screw those chain places. I love finding the places that are mom and pop sort of places with awesome food.

Other than that I will be relazing this weekend. I am off 3 days next week and, as most of you know, kicking it off with P!NK in Columbus.


To say I am excited is an understatment. I have seen the reviews and I have seen the You Tube videos from the current tour. Can you say amazeballs??? I plan on taking as many pictures and videos as I can get. And if my gut is right, we might be alot closer to P!NK then we thought we ever would be. Although we have nosebleed seats, I have seen some of the stunts she has done and lets just say she allows the entire arena to see her.

Have a great weekend!!

XOXO-
B

"Survivor"

One of the dates that is engraved in your memory, as someone who has had cancer, is the date you were diagnosed. So here is my question? What date do I "celebrate"? April 23, 2008 when I was first diagnosed or June 7, 2012 when I was diagnosed again? Or do you celebrate twice? By all means I am up for a party. What is your opinion?

It is just over 8 months since my surgery. Well the mastectomy. I forgot I had THREE surgeries last year. Ductogram, mastectomy and reconstruction swap. No wonder my memory is bad at times. Anesthesia brain chased by some Gunselmans brain. I am still not completely done with the reconstruction. I have some other things I need to do. Well I dont NEED to do them. They are more optional. I just honestly dont want the doctor bill. Even through insurance "covers" it, I still have an out of pocket max. I am also waiting to see the onocologist about the Lupron. I was supposed to go Wednesday but with the horrible weather I rescheduled to March 6th. One of the options I want to discuss is a hysterectomy. Again though, I dont want to have that this year. I am tired. It is not a life or death surgery if I dont have it right now. It's more for peace of mind if anything. I just want to enjoy 2013. I turn the big 4-0 this year in September.

Speaking of that, the girls and I(Elise, Maggie, Kim and Gilly--Eileen will be having her second baby and unfortunately cant join us) have rented a house in Put In Bay for a weekend in May to celebrate us turning 40. Although some of us(Gilly) will be turning 41 this year . Then my plan is to go to Vegas in October to see Jimmy Buffett at MGM Grand to celebrate my 40th.



Jimmy plays Vegas every October for 2 Saturdays. Its been on my bucket list to see him there(I have seen him numerous times before but never Vegas). I thought maybe the Keys but I am leaning more towards Vegas this point. I mean what the hell right? I am a strong believer in living in the now. I dont have kids, I have nothing tying me down. And honestly, if anything my journey has taught me is you better get out and enjoy life before it passes you by.

Anyways, life is good right now. I really am in a routine at the gym which I enjoy. I am hoping that since I am stopping the Lupron the pain in my joints stops. I have some great concerts coming up in the next month and a half: Whitehorse March 4th at Beachland, Pink March 6th in Columbus, Griffin House April 5th at Beachland, and Kim Richey April 11th at Beachland. It is pretty cool to have 4 of your favorite artists all touring at the same time!

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay warm!

XOXO-
B

"Bills, Bills, Bills"

It has been a frustrating week for me personally and professionally but everything ironed out...for the most part. Work is work. We all have those days where you are up to your eyeballs in issues. Eventually they work themselves out. I look at it this way: Its not life or death. I am not a doctor or a nurse.

Wednesday morning I opened up my email to find out I had a bill from UH for almost $700. I about threw up when I saw it. It was for my shot in January. I had not received a bill for my previous shots because I had reached my out of pocket max in 2012. So I had really no clue how much these shots were. The shot is almost $4,000. That would be:




Needless to say I panicked:

"Are you fucking kidding me??!!"
"Who can afford this??"
"What the hell am I going to do?"

I got into work and immediately emailed Marla my nurse practitioner. Explained the situation and she understood my challenge. I mean $700 a month? I cant do it. Hell, who can? And I am not happy about $700!! But I guess I know where most of my tax return is going to, right? I have an appointment with her next week. We will go over my options. One of which is a hysterectomy to remove my ovaries. Only question is:

WILL INSURANCE COVER IT?

Insurance companies are not going to pay for a surgery you don't need. So its my doctors job to explain why I need this. Why I am high risk. Why I need my ovaries out. And the reason why, for some that are wondering, is that breast cancer feeds off of hormones which your ovaries produce. That is why I was on Lupron. Lupron shuts your ovaries down. So if there is any cancer cell that got away from my chemo 5 years ago or from my recent diagnosis, I have a higher chance of ovarian cancer then a "normal" female. My other option would be to go back on Tamoxifen which I was on for almost 5 years last time. This is a much cheaper option. It is not as effective as Lupron but a good alternative. My plan is to go on that for awhile and, if approved by insurance, do the hysterectomy next year. I do not want to do any surgeries this year. Sorry, but no. I am tired. My body aches. I just need a break.

Speaking of my body aching, the Lupron is doing a number. In a way I am glad I am getting off of it. I cant tell you how much pain I am in. Knees, ankles and hips. When sitting at work, then I get up to walk, I feel like I am 95. I am constantly stretching. What scares me is if what would be happening if I wasnt getting to the gym 5 days a week?

On a positive note, my $6,000 bill that Anthem wasnt going to cover as a part of my reconstruction surgery in November was all cleared up officially yesterday. I followed up with the head of billing at UH to see where it was and she confirmed that the bill had been paid. I felt so much better knowing that. Look, I am a single girl and I have no means to be fighting this out with a lawyer. I knew I was right. I knew what the law said. What frustrates me is that people coded something wrong and didnt do THEIR job. And shit like this stresses me out.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Kim, Brian and I are going to dinner. I am taking her out for her 40th as a part of her gift(her other part being Griffin House tickets. Then we will probably head up to Gunselmans for drinks. I am looking forward to a fun night out!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

XOXO
B

"White Blank Page'

I saw my ex husband this weekend. I threw a suprise 40th birthday for a good friend of mine. They still talk. I invited him. Many people came up to me and said, "I cant believe you invited him", "You are a better person than I am". Look, I am in a no win situation there. If I dont invite him, I look like a jerk and selfish. If do invite him, I have to look at him and be sad. So I sucked up my pride and invited him. I am not sure people knew how hard that was for me when I did that. Probably because most of you have never been through what I have been through:

2008-2012: Diagnosed with cancer twice and went through a divorce

We talked briefly. It is so bizarre how someone you were with for 15 years of your life, now, is like a complete stranger to you. Looking at him, I was taken aback at how different he looked. Much thinner than the last time I saw him. I always thought of him as my protector. Now? It looked like I could be protecting him. And that is okay. We all change over time. God knows I look different as well. It has been almost 3 years since our divorce was finalized and I can finally say that I am completely over it. Him being there was fine. I didnt even really think about him when I was there among all of my friends. For once, I can finally say:



I am always amazed how people who are in long term relationships, whether dating or were married, just end them and start dating other people right away. How are you healed from that so quickly? I guess people deal with things differently. I am one who needs my space and time apparently. I do not think jumping into something is the right way to go about things. I felt way too vulnerable after our divorce. I felt I would not be making proper decisions because of it. Sure I dated. But when your heart isnt into something 150%, its not fair to that other person. Top that off with another cancer diagnosis and its alot for someone to deal with.

I am a white blank page. Ready to start a new chapter in my life. It took me three long years to get there. But I am there. This isn't to say I am searching high & low for someone to share my life with. Not by any means. I am just saying I am finally, truly open to the idea should it happen. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That being said, if any of you know of anybody who might be a good match you know where to find me. Just please make sure they:


•Dont crack their gum when they chew it
•Have a job
•Dont make weird sounds like they have tourette's
•Likes cats
•At least 5'11. Normally I would say 6'0 but I am sacrificing an inch here
•Doesn't wear a pinky ring
•Don't root for the Steelers


If you find me Mr. Right, I will buy you a beer at Gunselmans.

XOXO-
B