"Indifference"

Not sure how I feel right now. Not mad. Not sad. The test was negative. Negative for BRCA1. Negative for BRCA2. As most of you know, I was hoping for a positive test just so I could have some excuse for why I got breast cancer twice in 4 years. It is probably weird to say that. But I just wanted closure on this. The positive thing is I no longer have the high risk of ovarian cancer. That being said, Sarah(my genetic counselor at UH),discussed with me my options.

The next set of tests she wanted to discuss with me were obviously optional. These took a look at 14 gene mutations that breast cancer patients can carry. What these mutations tell you is whether you are high risk for other cancers(i.e. thyroid, uterine, etc). It took me about a second to decide to do it. Why? It is the end of the year and I can get it under this years insurance(assuming they pay for it). I did not see any point in waiting. These results, assuming insurance pays for them, take a little bit longer since there are so many strands of genes to look at. I should have these results anywhere from 3-6 months. In the meantime, I will be doing to Lupron shots.

Yes it sucks to not have an exact answer. However, I am trying to look at the positives: I don’t have a higher risk for ovarian and I am typing this blog. I have my next shot of Lupron on Halloween. I have some questions to ask them and will be discussing the results with them. I am hoping the side effects of the Lupron taper off. Otherwise, someone might bail me out of jail…..seriously.

I do want to say CONGRATULATIONS to my long time friend and sorority sister, Jan who is finishing up her last chemo treatment today for colon cancer.


I love you and I am proud to call you my friend. Both of us have endured hell and I think we will be bonded forever because of it. I will see you in Toledo in a month and we will be celebrating with some beers and hibachi. BONZAI BITCHES!

Heading to Fatheads tonight. Its bacon and beer night……..and you know how much I love both!

XOXO-
B

"I'm On Fire"

Check out Whitehorse above. So amazing. Love them love them love them. Saw them last night at Wilbert's. I forgot how great a small, intimate setting is when seeing live music. It's really the way to see music live. And why is it that the majority of the time, the most talented musicians do not get the recognition they deserve and we need to be subjected to Nickleback??? Not fair. Luke is Sarah McLachlan's long time guitarist and his wife Melissa has her own solo career as well as playing in Sarah's band the past few years. Then they formed a side project together called Whitehorse. Check them out....check out their other videos.....do yourself a favor!

Ironically the blog post is called, "I'm on Fire" because I have been feeling like that lately. Damn hot flashes. So horrible. Just picture sitting there and literally you feel like your cheeks are going up in flames. Mine don't last for long periods of time. Usually about 30 seconds to a minute but its constant. At nighttime its the worst. I must remove and put back on covers 100 times a night.

That being said my results are in for the genetic testing. They called me yesterday to schedule the appointment to go over the results with the genetic counselor at UH. So I have my appointment on Tuesday at 8:30. I am hoping its positive. You are probably thinking to yourself, "Why!? Why would she want that?". Well let me break it down for you......

When you have been diagnosed twice in 4 years and you were first diagnosed at 34, you want answers. I am over the part of being angry it happened to me. I just want to know WHY it happened to me. When numerous doctors tell you, "You are too young to have it twice" then you are HOPING they have an answer for you. In a weird way it will be peace of mind for me. It will be my "Ahhhh haaaaaaa!" moment. It will explain why I had to endure hell for these past 4 years. If it doesn't come back positive, I will be shell shocked and quite honestly probably REALLY pissed off.

Many have asked me what will happen either way the test results go. So here is the breakdown for you:

Positive: It means I have a 40% chance of getting ovarian cancer. These means I will need my ovaries out. No clue when that surgery would happen. I WISH it could be this year for insurance purposes. Sadly, my guess it will be sometime early next year which means more mother fucking doctor bills. Seriously......why do I have to keep worrying about this?

Negative: I will stay on the Lupron for 3 years. One shot. Every 4 weeks. Honestly if this is going to be my life for 3 years I might end up in jail. No joke. I do not like what this shit is doing to me mentally. I am irritable(well more so), crabby, and feel like crap most of the time. Another reason this test needs to come back positive so I can stop taking this horrible shit.

Busy weekend ahead. Taking Lisa out for dinner tonight for being such a great friend and being gracious in allowing my benefit to be held at Gunselmans. Its probably not enough thanks but I truly appreciate it! Tomorrow I have got to get some of those damn leaves raked up in the back then I am going to go watch football with John. Finally, on Sunday, my brother, nephew, Brian and I are going to go watch the Browns. I will need to watch my potty mouth around Aidan. Damn it! It's hard when watching the Browns!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXO
B

"I'm So Tired"

I don't think you realize how important sleep is until you don't have it. For the past few weeks I have not been sleeping. Although I have been sick for a week, I also am on shot #2 of the Lupron. Side effects include:

Hot flashes, severe migraines, severe mood swings, trouble sleeping, night sweats

I am hoping my genetic testing comes back positive for two reasons. One being the obvious: I will have an answer as to why I got breast cancer twice. And two because I can get off of these shots and have my ovaries removed and be done with this. I do not like myself right now. I am basically this:



When I went through chemo in 2008, I had hot flashes during those 4 months and they are just hell. I also had the insomnia too. It really messes with you mentally. Take for instance this past weekend. It was a friend's birthday and a bunch of the girls were going to go to some wineries then do an overnight stay. I knew there was no way I could do the overnight. Not with these symptoms. It sucks. Because although I want to, I know that I am going to be miserable all night long. And why put everyone else through my hell?

My next trip into the oncologist, which is on Halloween, I am hoping I have some answers to the genetic test results. If I don't, I am going to ask them to put me on Effexor. This is supposed to help with the hot flashes and might help me sleep. I just hate to put too many drugs into my system. However, if it is going to help me have a better quality of life, then I have to do what I have to do. I just hate feeling like this. Feeling bitchy, sad and crabby all at once sucks. And it's not like I can help it. I don't want little things setting me off. It is no way to live.

So my apologies if I seem on edge lately. My goal is to start back at the gym. 5 days a week. No excuses. I think it will really help me mentally right now. I totally got off of the wagon when I got diagnosed. I take full ownership of that. I just did not feel like going to the gym. I know I probably should have but I just lost my mojo. I gave up on myself and had my pity party. Now the pity party is over and this bitch is getting back to the gym.

Happy Monday everyone! Hope you have a great week!

XOXO-
B

"Pink"

Its October. Its "Breast Cancer Awareness Month". This morning on my drive into work, I listened to 92.3 The Fan and an argument between the two morning show people about the NFL making players wear pink in last night's Monday Night game.

It is an interesting argument. Look, pink is not my favorite color. I look awful in it. And honestly all I think about when I see it is breast cancer. Is that a bad thing? The argument against it is that there are other diseases that kill more people than breast cancer. However, let's be honest here: The NFL is a publicity machine. They are not making the players wear pink because they want to help me or thousands of other women who have been diagnosed with this disease. It's about bringing more women closer to the NFL game.

I can not blame the NFL for that. And I am also not going to crucify them for bringing some sort of awareness on this disease regardless of their true intentions. I HATE, HATE when people put diseases up against each other: "Well heart disease kills more people", "Well prostate cancer kills more men". Listen asshole dont belittle breast cancer. And dont make ME feel guilty because the NFL chose to acknowledge breast cancer over another disease. It is like the people who want to say shit that University Hospital is better than Cleveland Clinic or vice versa. This is not a fucking competition. This is lives we are talking about.

If you don't like how your disease is being ignored than do something about it. Start up an annual walk. Those who join your cause make a donation which can be donated to your favorite charity. But please STOP making me feel guilty. What you are doing is belittling the disease. Would you like to sit in a support group of mine and tell a 25 year girl who has just been told that her breasts will need removed that her disease isn't as important as others? Or the 40 year old woman who was told she has stage 4 and she basically has a few months left with her children?

I can not believe in this day and age that we are even discussing this. Again, I dont know exactly what the true intentions are of the NFL. However, I will be damned if I am going to crucify them for it. I have better things to do........like live my life.

XOXO-
B

"Happy Birthday"

Well not just yet but I am pretty close to the big ol' 39 on Monday. That's right JUST turning 39 while some of you jive turkeys are turning 40! I do feel old physically though. I have been just been through so much I feel like my bones have a lot of stories to tell.

I have a pretty busy "birfday" weekend planned. Friday, Brian, Kim and I are going out for dinner than drinks at Gunselmans. Its pretty much tradition that we go out for each others birthdays since we have all been hanging out. Even through my divorce, its been nice to keep this going.

Saturday I have to take the kitties to the vet. Was supposed to get them in there in July but as you may have noticed I was a little preoccupied. I also knew I couldnt take them in until I got strong enough to wrangle them into their carriers. Sam is pretty easy to catch. But hes strong as a horse when he doesnt want to put placed into a zippered up bag from hell(his words not mine). Bug just doesnt like to be held at all. Alot of people ask me why I never have pictures of her. Well she doesnt sit still unless shes sleeping. And she doesnt like you holding her. So for me to not only pick her up but place her in the carrier? Not a good time. Looks something like this:



Saturday night I will be going to my parents house for dinner. Birthday girl gets to pick out her meal so I picked lasagna and some delicious pie from Bakers Square with chocolate and bacon on it:



Ridiculous right? Riiiiiiiiiight.

Sunday Joanna and I are going to the Browns/Bills game. My brother coerced us into tailgating with them. Its not going to be warm and it might rain. I will have to dress accordingly and bring my beer coat. I have a good feeling about this game but I have no idea. I do know this: They should win for me since its my birfday.

Finally, Monday, my birfday and John is taking me to Fratello's for dinner. Who's John? Well maybe one day there will be a blog about him. Stop being so damn nosey...... ;)


XOXO-
B

"The Waiting"

Yesterday my mom and I headed down to UH and the Center of Human Genetics. This was a fact finding session to go over my family history of cancer and more importantly, breast cancer. In order for insurance to pay for some or all of this test, the counselor goes through a series of question and your family tree.

It was very interesting to see her write all of this information down and chart it all. Once she was finished, it was very apparent that there is some sort of link genetically on my grandfather's side. What that link is remains to be seen. It could be the breast cancer gene but it might be some other gene that they might not know enough about yet.

They took my blood to send off to testing assuming insurance doesn't cause any grief. Basically what happens is IF my out of pocket is under $375 then they will process the test. If its OVER $375, they call me and I have to make a decision on whether I want the test done or not. It is the counselors belief that insurance should pay for this based on my family history. HOWEVER, as well all know, nothing is ever guaranteed. I know I can't afford to just pay for the test myself(around $4,000). So fingers crossed, Anthem pays for it and there are not any issues.

My results should be back in about 4 weeks barring any complications. If it comes back positive, it definitely answers why this happened to my twice. The next step would be an Oophorectomy, which is the removal of your ovaries. If you test positive, you have a 40% chance of ovarian cancer. If I test negative, I will continue the Lupron shots to shut down my ovaries and I might go into further genetic testing to see if there is something else that is in my families DNA. I also may have the Oophorectomy, provided it can be cleared by insurance. We will just have to wait and see.

It will be great to get the results. A part of me hopes I am a carrier of the gene. That may sound weird but at least I will have an answer as to why I endured hell the past 4+ years.

I will definitely update everyone once I get the results.

XOXO
B

"Shot In The Dark"

A shot right in the ass. That's where I got my first Lupron shot yesterday. I went to see Marla, my chemo nurse, who will be handling my shots and appointments the next few years. Essentially, Lupron will make my ovaries go to sleep.



In the meantime, I will be getting genetic testing. I have my appointment next Tuesday downtown with the genetic counselor. My mom and I had to answer numerous questions about out family history and then bring that info with us. My guess is the counselor will go through all of the info then they have to get approval by insurance for the test. I am HOPING with my history and family history Anthem will not have a problem in covering this very vital test.

So I will be doing monthly shots of Lupron until I figure out if I test positive for the breast cancer gene or not. I am worried about the side effects. They include the following:

Constipation; dizziness; general body pain; headache; hot flashes; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting; stuffy nose; trouble sleeping; weakness.




Great. Good times. I felt kind of crappy this morning. The hot flashes and night sweats will probably start in about 3 weeks. Great. Right in time for my birthday. So be forewarned: If I am crabby, not feeling well, dont want to do certain things because I am not feeling well, please do not take it personally. I am apologizing to you in in advance.....I am now a 38 year old woman trapped in a 50+ year olds body. Sweeeeeeet......at least I am alive.


And totally off topic I want to touch upon the recent passing of Art Modell. I am going to limit my words here but I want to say this: I do not feel any sympathy towards anyone who has horrible character, value and ethics. You broke my heart and I will never forgive ANYONE for doing that.

Have a great weekend everyone! and.........




XOXO-
B